


Ultraviolet Ghost

by torturedsleep



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anathema, Anxiety, Best Friends, Depression, Joshler if you squint, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Platonic Relationships, regionalatbest, slightlanguage, slightmentionofselfharm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:15:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 45,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27780631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/torturedsleep/pseuds/torturedsleep
Summary: "At this point, I’ve done too many stupid things on stage to care about what they think.” He laughed before it faded, realizations hitting him too close.“So you tune them out? Don’t you ever wonder what they’re thinking? What they notice about you? What they take home and tell their friends and keep replaying in their heads?”Tyler never thought about it that much. Too much outside influence would drive him to his breaking point. “I didn’t think about it like that.”“What if they’re all rooting against you?”----------------------------------Tyler and Josh are getting ready for the release of Regional at Best. But when Tyler's doubt and a newfound spirit drives him to his breaking point, the future of the band-and Tyler and Josh's relationship-hangs in the balance.
Relationships: Josh Dun/Tyler Joseph
Comments: 12
Kudos: 12





	1. Prologue

Note: I'm gonna leave links to songs for each chapter! They capture the vibe and what I was feeling when writing them, and it makes the story flow. You don't have to listen, but who knows...you may find something you like! :) This prologue doesn't have a song, but every chapter after this does.

\--

The goodbyes rang like a low lying bell as the broken hearted boy ended the call. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything else, couldn’t force himself through another meaningless word. It was no use.

He wasn’t coming back.

A bittersweet truth, but a truth nonetheless. Their lives had collided, their courses met with ease. But now they had to grow away. It had happened once before with the drummer. His finances and responsibilities held more weight than the soul of this small band. And it made sense. Sometimes snapping back to reality just needed to be done. 

But the boy could not do that just yet. He couldn’t move on from something that was his entire life. He couldn’t detach himself from something so ingrained in the very function of his being. But the other two could. The other two were not tethered to the same cord as him. But another was. 

He picked up his phone, worn at the seams, as he slowly made himself dial the numbers he knew so well. The hum of the equipment in his bedroom and the anticipation of the call made him feel something, if anything at all. 

His breath hitched as the call was answered.

“Hey Tyler. What’s up?” his friend answered. His voice became enthusiastic and warm.

“Hi Josh,” Tyler replied with lost hope. 

Josh paused slightly, accessing the situation. Tyler didn’t sound his best. “Is everything alright?”

Tyler debated over what to say. He didn’t think this far ahead, didn’t know the best way to deliver news he didn’t even want himself. 

“Well...well no. It’s not.”

“Do you need me to come over?” Josh instantly went on alert.

“No, don’t bother coming. It’s fine. Really,” Tyler backpedalled, unsure of why he was unable to form the words.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” Tyler reassured him. After moments of painful silence that sliced the air, he began again. “Nick left.”

Josh, sitting in his bedroom, shifted on his bed nervously. “What do you mean Nick left?”

“He left. He’s not playing with us anymore.” The words stung Tyler more than he wanted to admit.

“So...that’s it? He just left without another word?”

“You can read his whole goodbye on Facebook.” He didn’t have it in him to rehash everything that was said. “He and I had talked about it a few weeks ago, but he called me earlier to make it official.”

Josh had no words and had no idea. He had only been playing with the band for less than a month, but he didn’t see this coming. 

After waves of understanding crashed over them, Josh approached with anxious anticipation.

“So what do we do know?”

That was exactly what Tyler asked himself over and over in his head, a monotonous loop stuck on replay. And in an instant, the realization he was trying too desperately to escape caught him in his tracks: they were on their own. 

So he put on a mask of a braver person than himself and fought through the pain of the words unsaid.

“The only thing we can do: we play.”


	2. The end or the beginning

Song: Just Like A Movie by Wallows - https://youtu.be/38X1o7nQfbk

Josh’s drive to Tyler’s house was filled with uncertainty and a feeling of worry he couldn’t shake. The future of the band was up in the air, and he desperately wanted it to return to the ground. He hated the feeling of not knowing what would happen. It tugged at his insides from every direction, but the thought of seeing Tyler kept it at bay. 

They sat in his basement, small and cozy, with the equipment and technology to fuel their limitless inspirations. Mark was there too, a friend of Tyler’s who was more than happy to document the band’s journey. His camera and mic was at the ready, making sure not to lose the opportunity for any good footage. 

Why he bothered filming them Tyler didn’t know. Perhaps the footage would be something to look back on. A small reminder of a reality that once was but wasn’t. Something funny, like a home movie of their own willful ignorance, a reflection of their rose-colored ambitions and fruitless futures. A band that wanted to be, but never would.

Why Tyler spiralled and turned everything into a pit of despairing negatives was beyond him. He hated it with a passion, and he hated his anguish and problems even more.

For a while they talked of tracks and technical logistics, preparing for their next show. They were driving out to Kentucky for a music festival. Their first festival. The anxiety and excitement ran through their veins, but they left the talk of it alone until they finished their work.

Josh, getting lost in the work, zoned out, only to be pulled back to life at the sound of Tyler in one of his deep rambles. He explained their work to the camera with such well rehearsed calm. It made him curl with envy. 

“This all means- this all basically means twenty one pilots is gonna be a two piece band, and this all means that we’re gonna rely pretty heavily on technology and um...energy on stage, to cover up the fact that we’re only two people. But I think we can do it. Um, it’s just a lot of work.”

He loved the way Tyler talked. Every carefully curated word and even every stumble and stutter seemed to have a purpose. It was mesmerizing. But he didn’t want to show how much his words affected him, so he continued to work as Tyler continued.

“I just- I just wonder if we can put on enough of a show with two people.”

With that last sentence, Josh looked up from his work and the computer to meet Tyler’s troubled eyes. He looked fine. Perfectly fine. But that’s how he knew something was most certainly wrong.

After a while, Mark said his goodbyes as he left the two boys to continue to work in the dark. Once he left and the mundane task of making separate music tracks for their shows were complete, Josh let loose a heavy sigh. 

He turned slightly to meet eyes with Tyler once again. They looked cloudy like the white-grey sky. His hands began to tremble.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Josh tumbled the words out. His tone was hushed and beautifully quiet. A doe in the forest of the blue-toned night. It was a much needed calm for the storm of Tyler’s thoughts.

“Nothing’s wrong. But that’s the problem.” Tyler averted his eyes as he fiddled with the sleeves of his grey zip-up hoodie.

“What do you mean?”

“Something’s gonna go wrong. I can feel it. We’re gonna mess up and make fools of ourselves.”

“Now when has that ever stopped us?” Josh said lightly as he let an infectious smile take over his face. It spread to Tyler, his worries having no choice but to melt away.

“Yeah, that’s true,” Tyler said, laughter overtaking them both. “Speaking of that, are you packing your gorilla suit?”

“Are you kidding me? That thing’s a thousand degrees!” 

“Well how else are people supposed to notice us?”

“I don’t know. Wear your red pants! Those will stick out!” Josh began to laugh even more as Tyler shook his head.

“Fine. You’re helping me pack.”

“Ok. But you’re paying for gas.”

“Deal.”  
\----------------------------

Tyler did not, in fact, pay for gas. Instead, he slept in the backseat of the car as Josh took the second shift of driving. Tyler drove before him at 4 in the morning, fighting to keep his eyes open. He barely processed the splashes of color and road signs. His mind was fuzzy and worn like his favorite graying jacket. Josh still needed to return it to him. But now, after their stop at McDonald’s, he layed curled up in the back, slipping into a hazy daze.

Josh kept an eye on the road while he talked to Mark in the passenger seat. He felt so odd on camera, but it wasn’t a weird feeling. He could get used to it. He replayed logistics in his head as he sped the three of them along.

Switching again, they pulled up and began to ask some workers in neon yellow vests where to head. After a bit of meaningless direction, Tyler slowly pulled away, unable to contain his laughter, Josh unable to keep his jabs at them to himself.

“Hi, are you able to stand?” Josh playfulled mocked them. “Yeah? Well, then you’re hired!”

“You’re good!” Tyler went along for the ride that was Josh’s quiet but brilliant humor.

“But what do I need to know? Oh, just wear this vest!”

Josh watched his friend at the wheel wheeze and smile. It was nice to see him happy. He’s always so worried about him.

After a bit more navigating around, they began to set up for the day. They walked to the camping lot with the rest of the tents to look at the map of the area. They’d be spending the night, something that Tyler wasn’t particularly looking forward to. But Josh would be there, so it would be alright.

The day was moving in suspended motion, the feeling of waiting for the concert to begin putting Tyler on a slight edge. Josh could feel it too, but he didn’t know if it was a new feeling or the same anxieties that always rest upon his chest. They went away, even if only for a few minutes, as they did a bit of an interview pre show. It was nothing. Just their usual jokes. But it took both their minds off the performance later that day. 

The cameras eventually whispered their last roll and shut off. Both of them got up from the studio and gave each other a smile. They grabbed hands and pulled in for a bit of a bro hug, but it was adorably awkward. They were never good at this. 

“We really need a handshake or something,” Josh suggested innocently.

“Yeah, we really do,” Tyler replied.

As they walked out of the room and into the light of the world, they put on their sunglasses. They looked cool enough, all black and slick. Maybe if they looked cool, they’d feel cool too. They marched in with pits in their stomachs. The side stage entrance of a big performance tent awaited them, their equipment practically begging to be set up. They fiddled and fixed everything that needed their approval, sensing the crowds of telling eyes watching them. 

And then, everything seemed ready. Josh and Tyler nodded to each other and began to play, first starting with Ode to Sleep. It was both their favorite to play, and the energy of the ever changing nature of the song fueled them, even if they were both nervous to their core. Tyler’s voice was squeaky and a bit high pitched, but he fought through it without any hesitation. He hated how it would do that when he was nervous (not that he ever was, just maybe a bit jittery), but Josh’s never-ceasing drumming kept him going. 

On to Car Radio now. Tyler yelled those words he welded out of his pride and pain to strangers of a similar mind. This time, he didn’t mind his voice going out of control. He didn’t care about the erratic twitches of his head or the flailing of his arms. And Josh didn’t care about how hard he had to focus to make sure he didn’t talk himself into a negative wall again.

So when they both looked up as they played to see the small crowd dancing and moving along to the beat, they both gave it everything they had. Tyler danced across the stage, Josh steadily driving along and hitting the drums with enticing, even motion. 

Then, out of his peripheral vision, Tyler spotted a glimpse of a girl. She wasn’t much older than him, maybe just a year or two. She was average height, with features that made her stand out from the rest of the crowd. But most of all, her dark purple hair and her skin seemed to shine and glow. A trick of the light.

As the boys finished their songs and made their way to greet some of the people in the crowd, Tyler craned his head to find the girl again. Funny. She was gone. Perhaps she left quickly. 

He didn’t even know her, but he still felt a bit of remorse.


	3. Always there

Song: Growing Old on Bleecker Street by AJR - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8BgXCWYYMk

The air was chilly and the opposite of welcoming, a brisk friend in the clique of their insecurity. Josh and Tyler set up camp for the night. Or, well, the morning. It was 1:30 and the day was coming to a much needed close. Only two songs and they were beat. Guess that’s what powerful music does to the soul. Or, that’s what the boys told themselves. 

Tyler sleeplily mumbled to Mark and his camera, Josh continually fumbling, setting up the tent. He was beaten and battered like the flag outside his parents house, decomposing at the seams but still soaring against the wind. He realized that McDonald’s coffee was, surprisingly, not the best thing to run on all day. As he finished putting up the poles and spreading out the white and orange tent, he motioned for Tyler to crawl inside.

“You guys were awesome!” Mark grinned with a yawn.

“Nice enthusiasm,” Tyler said, holding back a yawn himself.

“No, no I mean it!” Mark closed the camera and rested it in his hands. “Well, I’m heading to my tent. We’ve got another day ahead of us.”

“Alright. Goodnight,” Josh waved, Mark walking to his tent, which was set up nearby in the heart of the field. He unfolded his sleeping bag. Tyler did the same. He continued to get ready for bed, but in a split second, Tyler was guided out the tent door. 

One gray Van in front of the other made him stumble into the middle of the field. Everyone else was asleep. How could they not see it? A purple light emanated off of the tents. The air felt weighted like a thousand stolen stories. He could’ve sworn he’d seen that girl-

“Tyler? What’re you doing?”

He whipped around to see Josh, his eyes squinting to make out Tyler’s dark figure.

“Nothing, I-” Tyler stammered hurriedly. “Nothing. I just thought I saw something.”

“Well we better get in the tent before it eats us!”

The light expression on Josh’s face made Tyler feel a bit less heavy. He jogged up to Josh and kept his side company as they returned to the tent. “Who would it eat first?”

“Obviously me. I heard field creatures have a thing for drummers from Ohio.”

“Nah. You’d probably taste like sweaty Red Bull.”

Out escaped a laugh like a dog let loose. Tyler tried to muffle his snickering, to no avail.

“Tyler, Josh. Don’t make me come in there!” The boys identified the voice as a grumpy, tired Mark.

“Come here and read us a bedtime story!” Tyler retorted between small little airy laughs that twirled from his tongue. 

“Yeah! I’ve got Goodnight Moon in my bag!”

They both doubled over with each other and laughed on the floor, thinking they were the funniest friends in the world. But eventually the antics faded, and the tiredness fell upon them again like a spell.

They rustled around for a bit until finally, they were settled in for the night. Josh made sure to leave a bit of room at the top of the tent to let the view of the stars shine in, a beautiful reminder of worlds and heavens unknown. He turned over on his side to look at Tyler, lying on his back and staring up at the top of the tent, his face oddly calm. He knew the look well and had seen it many times. It was the face he made where his anxiety would creep back in.

“I think we did well today. I mean, for our first festival and all. You were amazing. Those red pants worked.”

Josh’s simple words of encouragement were perfect and comforting. How did he always know what to say? 

“Thanks Josh. You didn’t do too bad yourself.”

Maybe that light was just his imagination. He did admit that he had a tendency to get lost in the thickets and brambles of his mind on the daily. 

The crickets chirping their own little tunes hummed slowly in the night. Josh faded off into sleep. His face was utterly content. He looked so adorable when he slept. Tyler silently pulled out his phone to snap a picture before adjusting his hands behind his head. The sound of Josh’s breathing was a calming wave, ebbing and flowing.

Tyler didn’t know how long he stayed paralyzed, frozen in the night. His eyes studied the top of the tent for who knows how long. It could’ve been minutes, or a few hours. He didn’t know. After endless restlessness, he gave up on the thought of sleep. His worries were too much of a burden to let him slip away. 

Then, as a loud cicada made its presence known, Josh’s eyes slowly opened. He noticed that Tyler was still awake.

“Hey. You’re still up?” he asked, although he already knew the answer. He turned over to face Tyler.

“I’m fine. Just couldn’t sleep.”

“I know just the thing.”

Josh sat up with a small stretch. He crawled over to his blue bag, opening it up and rummaging through its contents to fish out a small book. He chucked it over onto his sleeping back. Tyler’s drooping eyes caught a glimpse of its title. It was Goodnight Moon.

“I thought you were joking,” Tyler said, a beaming smile slowly tugged at the corners of his mouth. 

“Nope. Can’t go anywhere without a good bedtime story,” he replied while he zipped himself back into his sleeping bag. The cicadas slowly stopped chirping. Pounding silence returned and filled the dead of night. 

“Josh-” Tyler tried to object but he shushed him.

“You’re gonna love this,” Josh exclaimed, but it was merely a whisper confined to their tent. With a begrudging smile, Tyler settled back down and watched Josh prepare to shift into a beautiful storyteller under the stars. Josh slowly opened the book and cleared his throat.

“In the great green room   
There was a telephone   
And a red balloon   
And a picture of   
The cow jumping over the moon   
And there were three little bears sitting on chairs   
And two little kittens   
And a pair of mittens   
And a little toy house   
And a young mouse   
And a comb and a brush and a bowl full of mush   
And a quiet old lady who was whispering ‘hush’   
Goodnight room   
Goodnight moon   
Goodnight cow jumping over the moon   
Goodnight light   
And the red balloon   
Goodnight bears   
Goodnight chairs   
Goodnight kittens   
And goodnight mittens   
Goodnight clocks   
And goodnight socks   
Goodnight little house   
And goodnight mouse   
Goodnight comb   
And goodnight brush   
Goodnight nobody   
Goodnight mush   
And goodnight to the old lady whispering ‘hush’”

Tyler soaked up every word. He felt himself falling, but it was a happy feeling of slipping away. A quiet acceptance of warmth and comfort in the night.

“Goodnight stars   
Goodnight air   
Goodnight noises everywhere.”

Josh finished the story, seeing that Tyler’s expressive eyes were closing ever so gently. He closed the book quietly and laid down close to him, hearing his breathing become even and steady. 

And then, as Tyler slipped away into sleep, he admitted to himself that maybe camping that night wasn’t such a bad idea after all.


	4. The mind; my muse and madness

Song: Crystal Clear by Hayley Williams - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzQWCeguH30

The night had returned gracefully again after the day was filled with gray and blue hues. The threat of the rain kept both of the boys on their toes, but their last performance still enticed them nonetheless. Tyler stood outside their main performance tent, having a crowd of around 20 people gather around him and hear him sing. He had his trusted ukulele out, and some of the interesting faces around him did too.

He started to softly sing You and I by Ingrid Michaelson. A pink-orange happiness brushed over him. Looking at the face of the girl with the black and white bandana sing back at him made him smile as his fingers bounded from chord to chord. The outcome of his performance with Josh in just a few short minutes didn’t even matter now that he knew he had a group of supportive strangers on his side. 

Once the song came to a close, he began to walk with those kind souls into the tent and walked on to the stage. Josh was there waiting, smiling as he saw Tyler with his ukulele in hand. He hadn’t heard him play too much, but he liked it when he did.

After they finished setting up their equipment again, the slight nervousness from the previous performance did not make itself known a second time. They began to play, starting with Ode to Sleep again. Tyler threw a glance at Josh just to check in with him. He nodded slightly and continued to play.

They shifted from Holding on to You to Slowtown (a favorite of Josh’s), and then finally made their way to Trees, a song that held a tight grip on both of their hearts. Tyler grabbed his mallets and banged on his drum that he made some of the audience hold up. He looked out into the expanse, feeling like a voyager traveling the sea of ambition. But then confusion told a hold of his mind once more. 

Towards the back of the crowd was the same soft light. And that same purple haired girl standing around it. She was watching them perform? Again?

Something about her presence was indescribable...and somehow unnerving. Tyler and Josh finished playing, so they took a bow. Before Tyler could talk to Josh, he was already running to catch up to the mystery that awaited him. 

His feet thudded against the ground, making their way through the remaining people, landing on the spot where the girl was watching with a wicked grin. But suddenly, she was gone. 

What was going on?

Not having the time or energy to waste, Tyler slowly backed away from the area and helped Josh put away the remainder of their things. They walked to their car, the long drive home echoing their names. 

Josh fiddled with his electronics, Tyler tucking his drum and mallets under his arm, opening up the trailer and side door for Josh. 

“Thanks man,” Josh said quietly. He stowed away the last of his things and gently slipped into the backseat, buckling and settling in for the night. He warily reached over to the bag he kept with him and grabbed out his pillow, carefully maneuvering it between the car door and his head. 

Tyler turned to give him a tired smile before identifying Mark running towards the car. He hopped, his camera tucked away in his bag, the dark circles under his eyes indicating that he was too tired for more documentation. 

“Hey guys!” He greeted both boys with a bit more attempted enthusiasm than the previous night. He was probably just glad to be heading home. “Are we all set?”

“Yep. We packed up the tent and the rest of our stuff,” Josh replied, yawning. 

“Alright. Let’s go,” Tyler stated blankly, still puzzled by the extremely odd occurrence earlier. 

He began to follow other cars and make his way out of the festival grounds after lots of master maneuvering. Once they were finally on the main road, a collective weight rolled off each of their shoulders. Each watched theirs tumble down the side of the highway. They were finally heading home.

“You guys were great, as usual,” Mark sang the praise, sweet like honey to Tyler’s ears, but merely noise to Josh’s, due to him dozing off. Tyler blushed a bit and he whispered his thanks, careful not to wake an already fast-asleep Josh. 

The radio was static at first, but then quiet music started playing once Tyler fiddled with the dials. Mark settled in his seat and shut his eyes. Tyler was now all alone with his thoughts swirling about. And he was left like that for hours, pondering and wondering about so many things. Like what happened back at the performance, and his dreams and his future. All things that twisted at his core until he couldn’t catch his breath. 

Could he really make this his whole life? He already had at this point, but could it last? He desperately wanted it to. He begged and pleaded every night for all his dedication to not be proven null and void. He loved music with everything inside of him. It helped him explore those pieces of him hidden away in the shadows, and it did the same for Josh.

Josh. The one constant person he could rely on. The one person who could make him smile wider than he ever willingly did. Someone so goofy and smart and comforting and loyal as all hell.

His internal monologue started gaining traction. “What did I do to deserve him? Why is he even still here? He’s growing tired of you. He’s going to leave. I’m not good enough for him. Never was. Never will be. Pretty soon you’ll end up dead like you’ve always wanted-”

The tires on the road swerved as Tyler regained control of the steering wheel. He let out a slight raspy yell that triggered Josh to jolt awake. 

“Hey, what happened?” he said groggily.

“Shh. Go back to sleep. I just hit a rough patch. That’s all.”

“Do you wanna trade off soon?”

“I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

Josh mumbled a small “ok” before sinking back down on his pillow. Tyler shook his head, thinking that maybe if he shook it hard enough, the dark whispers would fall out. At this point he’d try anything.

He powered through the rest of the drive, the jumpscare from earlier surprisingly keeping him up and alert. More hours went by of endless thoughts and restless songs until he pulled into Mark’s driveway. He shook him awake and helped him gather his things. 

Waving goodbye, Tyler pulled out of the driveway and made his way to Josh’s house. He quietly pulled into his driveway, parked the car, and leaned over his seat. He lightly tapped Josh’s shoulder with a touch just barely detectable. Tyler was always good at being gentle with anyone he met. The last thing he’d want to do is to hurt someone. 

Josh’s pretty brown eyes slowly opened. They both stared at each other with happiness, the silence between them both saying all that needed to be said. They were both proud of themselves, of each other. Besides it’s puzzling challenges, their first festival was great. 

Tyler got out to help Josh get his things from the back and the trailer. They slowly tiptoed into the house and set his things on the floor of the entrance of the doorway. After a few rounds of walking back and forth from the car to the house, everything was taken care of.

“I think we did great. Amazing. Spectacular. Show stopping. We were the best band there,” Josh whispered, his jokes making Tyler silently laugh. He was so exhausted that even the small gesture was exhausting. 

“We definitely were.”

Josh patted Tyler on the back and turned to walk out the door. “I’ll see you later ok?”

“Yeah. I’ve gotta get some sleep,” Tyler weakly smiled. He got back in the car and waved to Josh, standing in the doorway to watch him leave. 

Tyler pulled out of the driveway and made the drive back to his house. He parked the car and practically collapsed through the front door, his feet growing heavier like bricks and stones.

He shut the door behind him and traversed into his basement, the couch down there making for some excellent sleep (he knew from accidental experience). He slipped his shoes off and grabbed the blanket from his small drawstring bag swung over his shoulder that he had on the trip. He was just about to settle into a dreamer’s sleep.

But what he saw when he turned around startled him beyond reason.

For a split second, he thought he saw that girl again, wide eyed and staring him down with chilling accuracy. In a blink, the vision was gone.

Tyler was going mad. He knew it in his bones. But he didn’t have time to dwell on the implications. 

He fell to the floor, not even making it to the couch, as he slipped into sleep, blanket in hand.


	5. Comfort on the edge

Song: wyd by mimi bay - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpuTkenRK3g (Her music makes me feel like I'm floating and daydreaming...she's so underrated.)

Tyler’s eyes popped open as he sat up off the floor, letting the quiet hum of the equipment in his studio try to calm him. His clothes were wrinkled, still worn in and smelling like the festival grounds. His gray Vans were scattered on the floor haphazardly, his bag nearby. And the feeling of slight danger from the last encounter before he went to bed returned once he got up on his feet.

Surely it was a dream. It had to be. No one would be able to get into his room like that. Definitely not one of the people who watched his performance with Josh. No one would be that eager to follow them home...right?

Tyler stretched, stood up, and got his bearings. He shook his head and his hands, trying to rid himself of the bad vibes still clinging to his skin. He made his way upstairs to his bathroom and ran some slightly chilled water over his face. He grabbed his towel and dried off, his phone buzzing in his back pocket.

Groggily, he went to answer it. It was Josh.

“Hey sleepyhead,” Josh teased, his voice light on the air.

“How’d you know I just woke up?” Tyler replied with a revealing yawn.

“Because I can see you right now,” Josh laughed innocently. Tyler made his way across his bedroom to sneak a glance outside his window. There Josh was, standing at the edge of the lawn, waving with his free hand, the other holding his phone up to his ear. 

Tyler waved back, unable to stop staring. “So what’s the plan for today?”

“Come on down. Let’s go for a walk.”

So Tyler ended the call. He put on a new pair of jeans and a short sleeve shirt. The Vans from the previous night met with the soft bottoms of his socks. His matching socks. Two plain off-white socks. He didn’t like to separate one from its pair.

He made his way down the stairs and out the door. Josh was there, smiling as always. He never failed to put him in a better mood. 

“Walk with me,” Josh joked with the look of a graying old mentor, one arm over Tyler’s shoulder and one arm gesturing to the surrounding houses and sky. The character made Tyler laugh.

“What guidance do you have to share with me, oh wise one?” Tyler followed the path so carefully paved for him. 

“I come with a tale of warning: beware the power of the red pants, for if you use them too much, every show will be bumping!” 

“In that case, I’ll never take them off again!”

They both doubled over and laughed together, looking so incredibly crazy. A mother and her two kids gave them a look of concern. Their pace quickened as they passed by. The boys got it back together, picked up their own pace in the opposing direction, and wandered their neighborhood streets. 

"But seriously, I think those pants worked or something. I really think we did great!” Josh expressed with a bit of pride.

“Yeah, we were good. There were a couple of things to work on, but everything is minor.”

“Alright. What did you notice?”

Tyler began to rack his brain of the list of improvements he wanted to make, one of the many things he worked on during the car ride back. “Well for starters, I wish I had a way to get the audience engaged quicker.”

“Like for them to respond to you faster?”

“Yeah. I feel like I have to do a lot for them to do what I ask. Like when we played Car Radio and I split them down the middle. It just took a while for them to get on board.”

“Yeah, I could tell. I don’t know if there’s anything you want me to do to help.” Josh sifted through his brain, Tyler maintaining his company by his side. “I could get the audience to sing along and sway if you want.”

“Yeah! Let’s do that,” Tyler replied with more pep. 

All he wanted in a good show was energy and passion. He craved for a performance to stick with the audience forever, even if it was an unrealistic goal. Most people in the crowd don’t even particularly want to be there, let alone watch two random guys go ballistic on stage. Still, the notion was something that Tyler strived for every time he planned for shows, and every time he rehearsed, and every time he finally got up on stage. 

The air between them settled. New topics of discussion swirling and bounced in their brains, trying to travel to their tongues. The silence was nice, if only but for a brief moment. 

An uncomfortable, uneasy feeling swept over Tyler. A flicker of color hooked his peripheral vision. 

The girl was back, this time walking behind both boys, donning a grin so wide it made Tyler sweat. She let her hands rise and fall with the wind and continued to walk behind them. Tyler, beginning to panic, picked up his speed. There was a turn coming soon. Maybe they could ditch her. 

Tyler tried to play everything cool. He could do this. Mumbling through the small talk of tiny show details coming to light, he turned onto another road with Josh. After waiting a few moments, Tyler let out a sigh, to which Josh only passed off as a sigh of content. But the bliss did not last.

She appeared again, this time on top of a roof. Out of all things, she waved. She waved an absurd, bubbly, maddening wave. Tyler stopped dead in his tracks. In the blink of an eye, there she was on top of another roof, and another and another. This couldn’t possibly be real.

And just as quick as she moved, she appeared right in front of Tyler, staring him down like a hound with a sickly sweet exterior. He stumbled. Josh stopped to help him regain his balance.

“Woah! What happened? Are you alright?” Josh asked. His voice rose with newfound worry. 

Tyler caught his breath with both hands, scanning the area for any sign of that girl. She was gone. What a surprise. 

“I just...I thought I saw something.” Tyler barely managed to finish the sentence. He trailed off into his own abyss.

Josh let his eyes meet Tyler’s, but Tyler’s quickly darted away. He seemed distracted and on edge ever since that first night of the festival. Maybe he was just tired. Seemed plausible enough. It was an understandable predicament, how tiredness can overrun and overstep its boundaries until it takes forcible control over your entire being. He knew the dilemma too well. He knew he wanted to help Tyler out of it even more.

“C’mon,” Josh shrugged. He put his arm around Tyler’s shoulder and began to walk with him again. “Let’s go back to your place. Jam out. Order some food. Take your mind off of things.”

Josh’s genuine look of loyalty helped Tyler get back to his bearings. “I’d like that a lot.”

“I’ll race you back!” Josh yelled. His legs had already taken off on their own adventure. He knew some competition would make Tyler feel better.

“Hey! You got a head start!” Tyler called, his feet tailing Josh’s.

The constant golden sun of the afternoon peaked through the clouds. Freshly sharpened wind whipped through their hair and faces. Tyler’s house grew closer by the minute. And Josh, chuckling at Tyler running with all his might, slowed down. And he let him win. He knew that the small victory would be a roaring achievement in Tyler’s never-ceasing heart.

It’s the least he could do. After all, he’d always be there to catch him.


	6. Spirits in my room, friend or foe

Song: Normal People (ft. rei brown) by Joji - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N4P-Y0DyXs (God I love Joji so much I just feel like my life feels so much more epic and vibey when I listen to him)

The passing of time grew quiet while both boys enjoyed each other’s companies. They got some lunch to help them power through their work on different tracks and minor adjustments. The setup was snug, both of them huddled in front of Tyler’s computer, but they didn’t notice or mind. Their conversations came in and out, always easy, never forced. Always the right thing to say at the right moment. 

But something wasn’t right with Tyler. He could feel himself filling with sorrow and dread that weighed him down by the minute. This album had him up the walls with conflicted feelings, all of which he pushed away. And all of which he effectively hid. Right now, he needed to give all his attention to the tasks at hand. And for a while, this worked.

The sun slowly faded into oblivion, the moon replacing it with an empty glow. Neither Josh nor Tyler noticed the change until the room filled with darkness and Tyler instinctively turned the desk lamp on.

“Wow,” he muttered. “Got late fast.”

“Yeah. Do you want to get dinner?” Josh asked with his eyes wandering before landing on Tyler.

“Ah, I should probably stay here. I’ve just got some more things to do,” Tyler settled half-heartedly. As much as he wanted to, he was chained to the desk chair and glued to the music. 

“Alright,” Josh said, his disappointment not nearly as prevalent as the happiness he felt from this precious time spent with Tyler. “I’ll see you soon. Text me, ok?”

“I will.” Tyler gave a small smile. Josh waved and left his room. He could hear his footsteps, light and quick down the stairs, then the opening and closing of the front door, and finally Josh’s engine breathing back to life before he drove away. 

Tyler, always at odds with himself after anyone left him, sat in his chair for a moment, replaying the day in his head. His vision shifted off, foggy eyes daydreaming. His haze was short-lived.

The familiar shadowy figure shifted as she stared at Tyler with haunting, golden eyes. Her violet hair hit just below her shoulders, glimmering like midnight stars. Her black attire was bleak and somehow inviting all at the same time. Her thin lips flipped into a wicked smile. 

The small boy stood afraid like a deer in the headlights. 

“You...” was all Tyler managed to force out. He was so incredibly terrified.

“And you,” she replied softly, her voice hypnotic and calming like the waves of the ocean. 

“How did you- what did- why are you-” Tyler stumbled and stuttered, making himself look like an absolute idiot. That was the least of his concerns now. 

“I know you’re probably very confused.”

“Gee, where’d you get that impression?” 

The girl frowned slightly at Tyler’s sass, knowing that his moods were already going to be a challenge. “Listen-”

“Why would I listen to you? First you disappear at both my shows. Then I see some creepy ass light outside my tent. And now you’re hopping rooftops and showing up at my house? In my room? What the actual fuck?” Tyler doesn’t usually curse, but mania and tiredness combined made for a deadly duo.

“Just listen alright-”

“No! You need to leave right-”

“ENOUGH!” she boomed, her voice ringing like a thousand bronze bells colliding in unison. The sheer power behind her outburst stunned Tyler into silence. “If you’d just let me finish, I’ll tell you everything.”

The intimidation she radiated circled Tyler like a swarm of vultures. He surveyed this girl, his focus being pulled magnetically to her hypnotic eyes. He couldn’t look away.

“Fine. Just please don’t hurt me.”

“I can’t make any promises for that one. I won’t hurt you now though.” She laughed, the joke obviously not landing with Tyler. “Tough crowd.”

Moments of intense silence filled the air and made it thick with a sense of dread. Tyler tried to calm down. He had no idea who she was or what she wanted. The idea of a stranger was so foregin to him. He’s so used to talking with people who understand him instantly, and vice versa.

“I’m not real, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Now things just got way more complicated.

“Not real? What do you- what?” Tyler was beside himself. How could she not be real? She was standing right there.

“Let me rephrase that,” she said with a puzzled expression overtaking her features. “I am  _ real _ , per say, but not tangible. I’m not human. I look like one. A very attractive one, might I add.” She twirled a strand of her hair in her hands, smiling at her compliments to herself. Tyler barely processed one word from the next. 

“You’re not human...but you look human?” Things were getting worse by the minute.

“Yep. I’m more of a...how do you say it...spirit!” She yelled in victory, uncovering the word from a gold mine. “I’m more of a spirit.”

“Ok...you’re a spirit.” Tyler repeated her truth, thinking that it would become easier to understand if he let the words dance aloud.

“Yep. And I’m here to stay, so you better get used to me,” she said slyly as she took a seat on the edge of Tyler’s bed. 

“What? No! Why?” he yelled with a vicious mixture of confusion, anxiety, and anger. Why the hell was this happening to him?

“You’ll figure it out soon enough,” she smirked, adjusting her seating on the bed.

“How do I know you’re not lying to me?” he challenged. 

“Ah. A non-believer,” she joked. She made an appalled expression appear on her face.

“This isn’t funny! You just told me you’re a spirit that’s gonna follow me around! That’s not exactly the sort of news an average person gets every day.”

“You’re right,” she agreed, toning back her personality a bit for the boy’s sake. “Touch my arm.”

“What?”

“I said touch my arm.”

Confused and a bit weirded out by the request, Tyler walked over to place his hand on the girl’s arm. It fell right through. That couldn’t be right. He tried to touch her, again and again, but the same thing happened. He saw her eyes come alive, fixating on objects in the room. First she made the lights flicker, then made the sink turn on and off, and finally for Tyler’s chair to spin in circles.

Perhaps he was starting to believe her.

“Why me? You don’t even know me! I only saw you at two shows!”

“Of course I know you. You’re Tyler Robert Joseph, born December 1st, 1988. Your parents are Kelly and Robert Joseph, and you have 3 siblings: Zack, Maddy, and Jay. You grew up playing basketball, and you played as point guard on your team at Worthington Christian High School. You started playing music after finding an old keyboard in your closet, and you have your own solo album. You have your own band, Twenty One Pilots, and Josh Dun is the drummer, although Chris Salih and Nick Thomas recently left. You’re still a bit bitter but won’t let yourself admit it. You just played at Ichthus, and your next show is at the 86 Club in Cincinnati. You’re preparing for the release of your next album, Regional at Best. Oh, and you’re suppressing a lot of your feelings because of the release. But you know, that’s just stuff a stranger would know by looking at you.”

Tyler was shocked beyond all measure. She just raised her eyebrows and shrugged. He thudded back into his chair, his mind trying to rapidly comprehend everything colliding at once.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” he silently whispered.

“Well you better believe it. You and I are gonna be around each other for quite a while.”

Trying hard not to think about it, Tyler attempted to accept his doomed fate. “If you’re gonna be here, I’ve gotta know about you too. At least tell me your name.”

“Fair enough. I guess I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Anathema.”


	7. Local at worst

Song: Exhausted by chloe moriondo - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMPTxCqGW7c (I love chloe so much her voice is so calming and she could just sing me to sleep tbh)

For the next few days, Anathema stuck around, coming and going as she pleased. Sometimes she’d be gone for hours and randomly appear. Other times it would seem as if she never left. The intense pressure of it all hadn’t hit Tyler yet, hadn’t seeped into his mind. He didn’t let it. He had more important things to worry about, like shows and the album. He still needed to put some finishing touches on everything. He always worried that songs weren’t ready to spread their wings and fly off on their own. And the whole spirit situation didn’t help either. No, Anathema was not making anything easier. 

He didn’t tell Josh. Granted, he hadn’t seen him since he was over a few days ago. Still, he could’ve texted or called him if he was dying to tell him. But he didn’t. Because the truth was, he still wasn’t sure if all of it was real.

He kept trying to find a reason that it wasn’t. Perhaps he was just dreaming and he’d wake up back in the tent at Ichthus. Maybe he’d died. Now that thought made him worry. Not that dying was particularly scary to him. At one point, he even begged for it, egged God on like a willing competitor, waiting for him to strike him down. That day never came. 

What if it did? He wouldn’t have to deal with all the conflicting emotions he felt. One day, everything was perfectly fine. The next day, he felt like he was practically drowning with no one to save him. And maybe that much was true. Maybe, in the end, no one would save him at all. 

_ Where is all this coming from?  _ Tyler thought to himself, concerned with all these resurfacing negativities. He was sitting alone, still fine tuning his songs, scanning for something he could make better.

“So this is what you do all day?”

Anathema’s voice came from behind him, and the sound made him slightly jump in his chair. He’d have to get used to her coming and going.

He had a hunch that he knew she was doing this, but he left it alone. Better not push it. 

“Yep. Do you know anything about it?”

“Not particularly. But you could show me.”

Tyler, thinking that she sounded genuine enough, scooched over for her to join him. She sat down as Tyler pulled up some finished files. “So these are the songs that are definitely going on our new album.”

“What’s it called?” she asked, her dark eyes intrigued.

“Regional at Best.” He admitted the name like a crime.

“Regional at Best?”

“Yeah. It kind of describes our band. We’re regional at best.”

“So...I’m assuming you’re local at worst right?” She smirked as a wicked look graced her face for a split second, the words gutting Tyler. She scanned through the file names. “Hmm. These are some pretty cool names. Guns for Hands, Kitchen Sink, Slowtown.”

“Thanks,” Tyler said, failing at forcing a smile.

“I bet they’re pretty good right?” she asked, and Tyler didn’t know if he should take that as a confirmation or a denial. Her inquiries felt more like an interrogation than a conversation.

“That’s the part I’m struggling with to be honest with you,” he confessed, scratching his head. “I just never know if the songs will ever be good enough.”

“Well, what’s your definition of ‘good enough’?” she prodded.

“I don’t know. I just always look at my work and think about the hundreds of things I could do differently.” 

He shares a bit of silence with Anathema, carefully trying to move and fix some levels on the vocal line for one of the songs. After a bit of trial and error, Tyler let out a sigh of annoyance as Anathema watched, almost eager for a response.

“And now?” she asked with a spark in her eyes.

“Now I just feel stuck.” In a defeated dejection, he turned off the screen of his computer. “I don’t feel like this playing them live though.”

“Really?” Her voice almost rang with surprise.

“Yeah. At that point I can just focus on reliving what I felt when I was writing them.”

“You’re pretty emotional on stage, I’ll admit.”

Tyler didn’t know how to take that, so he proceeded with caution. “I’m hoping you mean that as a good thing.”

“Take it however you want.” Her voice sizzled with trickery. “I’m just surprised about how you can act like that on stage all the time.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Tyler questioned, his voice raising a bit higher in defense.

“Well, aren’t you worried about how you’re viewed?”

“My job isn’t supposed to be a people pleaser,” he said with bite.

“I know, I know,” she stated plainly, calculated. She knew how to backtrack all right. “Don’t you wonder what they’re thinking though?”

“Well...it’s complicated. At this point, I’ve done too many stupid things on stage to care about what they think.” He laughed before it faded, realizations hitting him too close.

“So you tune them out? Don’t you ever wonder what they’re thinking? What they notice about you? What they take home and tell their friends and keep replaying in their heads?”

Tyler never thought about it that much. Too much outside influence would drive him to his breaking point. “I didn’t think about it like that.”

“What if they’re all rooting against you?”

Those words made Tyler stop, his attention spinning directly on to the spirit. “Look, just because you know things about me doesn’t mean you can just waltz into my life and make me feel bad about myself. I thought you wanted me to show you my music.”

“I think you just did.” She scanned Tyler’s anxious expression that revealed all his inner demons at once. It was shining plain on his face.

“What is that even supposed to-” Tyler cut himself off as his eyes revealed that Anathema was gone, merely a whisper in the dark. He let a yell filled with anger escape his lungs. He kicked the side of his desk in defeat.

The night had returned as it always did. A bit dejected, Tyler made himself climb out of the basement and up to his room. He got himself ready for bed, the words he said still hanging on his tongue. He climbed into his bed and laid on his back, letting his burdens settle on his chest. At least Anathema was gone.

But she wasn’t. She was standing in the corner of the room flooding more anxieties in his mind. She watched his expression grow weary and he tried to force himself to sleep. Everytime he got close to letting his eyes sink, another perfect aspect of pessimism would shake him awake. It was practically torture, wrestling with his mind. 

The phantom stood so still, slowly chipping away at his psyche. 

She’d have to get used to this. 


	8. Wandering together

Song: So Will I by Ben Platt - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VjDNOJHQ3g (PLEASE GO LISTEN TO THIS RN ITS JUST JOSH AND TYLER IN SONG FORM)

For days Tyler was gone, and Josh didn’t know why. Usually falling off the grid right after seeing each other was normal, at least for Tyler. Josh had gotten used to it. But the abnormal silence between them grew as Josh paced around his room, unsure of if he should call up his bandmate.

He noticed that Tyler was off the last time they saw each other. He could tell just by looking at him. The fidgeting hands, wandering sentences, and dimness in his eyes revealed his facade. If only it would reveal what was troubling him, too. Josh never knew how to approach Tyler when he was struggling. Usually, he just gave him space. That seemed to work. He never liked being hugged much, which was something Josh forced himself to accept. But sometimes a good hug is the best antidote. 

This time, however, something seemed different. There was an uncertainty that Josh had never seen before in Tyler. The way he walked and talked and moved was just...growing different. He didn’t know how to explain it. Perhaps he was going mad.

In any case, he had to break the distance between them somehow. He always had better luck getting through to him in person rather than through a text or phone call. So, deciding right then and there in the middle of his room, Josh walked downstairs and out the door, already ready for the day. He got into his car, a familiar friend, and began to make his way to Tyler’s house. He always loved the anticipation of driving to his house. Something about the energy that Tyler created, especially when they worked on music together, was just so...magical. He’s so grateful to even be friends with him, let alone be in a band. He wanted it to last forever.

Then, after the bending roads and early morning sun passed him by, he arrived at Tyler’s house. He walked up to the front of the lawn and positioned himself to see up through Tyler’s window. Unlike a few days ago, he wasn’t there. 

He shot him a text. No response. Dejectedly, Josh decided to get back to the car and drive. He searched and scanned the roads while racking his brain of where Tyler could be. He couldn’t be far. Tyler didn’t like leaving for new places. Always a homebody. It wasn’t like him to not be in the studio either. They had a show tonight. He usually would always practice at the start of the day until the show began. 

Josh slowed and shifted his gaze to the playground in the neighborhood. It was vacant and empty, all except for-

Tyler. He was there. 

Josh quickly pulled into one of the parking spots and got out of the car, stretching as he breathed in the cool morning air. He zipped up his grey hoodie- it was Tyler’s really, but Tyler liked seeing it on him- and slightly fiddled with the worn drawstrings. The morning sun was just starting to peek out of the clouds. The day started to unfold. Leaves on the trees swayed in green and yellow symphonies, guiding the wind and flowing without a care. 

He took off slowly, approaching Tyler with a bit of caution, but with care nonetheless. He made his way over to a set of three bright blue slides, Tyler sitting on the edge of the one to the far left. Josh’s soft footsteps barely touched the ground, but Tyler noticed him anyway. His eyes looked tired. Josh joined him on the slide next to him.

“Hey stranger,” Josh said with an early morning smile, the kind that’s hazy and fuzzy and just what you’d like to see when you first wake up.

“Hey Josh,” Tyler returned with his eyelids fighting to stay open. “Sorry I never called.”

“No, you’re fine. I figured you needed some time to yourself. I know things can get overwhelming sometimes.” The words came out a bit sadder than Josh expected, but he figured Tyler would get his point.

“You’ve got that right,” Tyler replied, his restless, anxiety-filled nights with Anathema coming to the forefront of his mind. He didn’t know how to tell Josh, so he left it alone, left Josh wondering. It wasn’t his ideal solution, but it would have to make do for now. 

Hearing the birds sing their own small tunes for a while, Josh broke the silence. “So are you excited for the show tonight?”

Excited was one way to put it. Tyler had stayed up practically all night, violently generating varying scenarios in his head of how the night could go, Anathema fueling the fire that was his very imagination. “I’m actually sort of nervous.”

“Since when have you ever been nervous for a show?”

“First time for everything, I guess.” Tyler’s fragile hands began to twitch. 

“Well, you have nothing to be worried about. We’re gonna be great.” Josh looked into Tyler’s eyes and gave a reassuring nod, and it made Tyler feel just a tiny bit better, if only for a fragmented moment. “Well, we better start packing up the gear. Cincinnati is almost a two hour drive.”

Right. The show was a bit farther away. Tyler always loved traveling, always chased after the thrill of performing in the unknown. Battling so desperately to win the affection of an audience of strangers was something he looked forward to. The thought gave him a small glint of inspiration as he got up from the slides with Josh.

“Let’s get going then.”

Josh checked his worn blue wristwatch. “Wait. We’ve still got time.”

Tyler turned to face Josh, a bit of confusion twisting at his face. Josh just looked back and smiled with a silly look of mischief striking his irises. Tyler could never get over how beautiful his eyes were. Josh thought the same of Tyler.

“Close your eyes,” Josh motioned, dragging his hands softly over Tyler’s eyelids. 

“Why..?” Tyler trailed off. Josh merely shushed him. “Stay right there. Don’t move. I’ll be back in twenty.”

“What? Where are you going?” he asked, eyes still closed. 

“Just wait. I’ll be back.”

And Tyler didn’t question it. His ears gravitated toward the sound of Josh’s engine starting, then the slow crawl of his tires scurrying away. What was he up to? He had plenty of time to figure it out as he sat there on the slide, motionless. The trees swayed in the wind continuously.

Tyler noted the varying hues of yellow and orange behind his eyes while the sun began to creep up. He felt the wind kiss his cheeks and the ground hug his feet beneath him. The waiting felt like forever and an instant all at once. Finally, his ears perked up as he heard the familiar screech of Josh’s tires pull into the parking lot. He closed his car door and walked back towards the slide. He sat down and placed what felt like a large paper bag in his hands. He could smell something delicious radiating from it. 

“You can open them now,” Josh teased.

Tyler’s eyes popped open to see Josh, two coffees in each hand. He saw that his item was indeed a large paper bag from Dunkin Donuts, with slight small stains and a warm exterior. He opened it up to sneak a peek inside, but only before Josh dragged him up to the top of the slides. They sat down and took a beat to take in the morning. As they looked out to the rest of the playground, Josh handed Tyler his coffee while he took a sip of his own.

“You didn’t have to do this,” Tyler said delicately, failing at not smiling stupidly. 

“Yeah I did. I couldn’t just let you starve!”

They laughed, the easy conversation flowing like a clear, rushing river. They both reached into the bag and got out a breakfast sandwich and donuts. The company bewitched them. With each other, it was so easy to forget everything that was weighing them down. So easy to push away their worries. But that didn’t mean they were gone. 

No, throughout it all Tyler tried to store away his millions of bouncing thoughts in his head, but there wasn’t enough space for them in the lockbox of his heart. He could at least keep them at bay for now. If not for his sake, then for Josh’s. Because if not for Josh, where would he be?


	9. Don't change, but don't stay the same

Song: Irrational by Cavetown - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nq5xp1ONOyk 

The car ride to the show wasn’t terribly long. Tyler drove, Josh in the passenger seat beside him, while Mark sat in the back. The trailer slowly crawled behind them, coasting through the endless roads and highways. Tyler, trying to distract himself, began to count, whether it be signs or cars or how many times he could feel himself getting anxious about the show. That last one was throwing him for a loop. He never gets nervous, and he never lets outside influence sway his technique or choices. He’d ask why he felt this way, but he had a sinking suspicion that he already knew the answer. 

After face-value conversation of the logistics of the show and song after song passing by on the radio, they finally pulled into the back parking lot of the venue,  _ The 86 Club _ . The ambience from the building entranced Josh’s senses, making him open up the car door with energy. He walked toward the back of the trailer and began to unpack their equipment. Tyler, frozen in place like a stone statue, remained at the steering wheel. His eyes were hazy as they glossed over the exterior of the building. He couldn’t will himself out of the car.

Josh, taking notice, put the kickstand he was holding down on the ground and walked around to open Tyler’s car door. “You coming?”

“Yeah...sorry.” Tyler shook his head a bit as he jumped out and ran towards the trailer. Maybe faking enthusiasm out of the thin, crisp air would make up for the true lack of it. Josh, concerned, tried to tell himself Tyler was fine.

They made several trips to and from the car, zipping their grey and black hoodies up to look like different guys setting their stuff up on the small stage of the club. They both collectively landed on the solution that when they couldn’t bring along some of their friends to help out, they’d act like different guys in order to make themselves look cooler. They thought it was genius. Mark thought it was hilariously stupid. He set up his camera and ran over different shots and technical details of his own in his head. 

They had now finished setting everything up and watched as more and more people showed up. Tyler sat on the ground, letting his back greet the side of the trailer like an old friend. Josh sat beside him and looked out towards the passing cars on the road out in the distance, the dim orange lights shining low and quiet. 

“You ready?” Josh asked, but it was more of a venture to see if his friend was ok.

“I’ll meet you inside. Just need some fresh air before we start.”

Josh nodded, a small, controlled movement. He got up and began talking to Mark. They went inside. Tyler, breathing heavily, closed his light brown eyes, just for a minute. He listened to the hum of the streetlights and the passing of the cars again, trying to let it calm him down.

“You really think that’s gonna work?” Anathema’s voice made Tyler’s toes curl and his eyes pop open. “I mean by all means give it a shot. But really?”

“You always show up at the most convenient times,” Tyler mumbled, the sarcasm written all over his face in impact font.

“Why thank you,” she said with a bow. “I try.”

She sat down next to him, her face waiting with anticipation for Tyler to respond. He said nothing. The loss for words tugged and pulled at him like an agonizing tug-of-war. He sat and tried to clear his head. 

“So are you gonna say something or what?”

“I’m just trying to calm down,” he replied, slow and defeated. He paused and took a risk. “I know you’re doing this to me.”

Anathema didn’t bother to deny what he was implying. “Correct.”

“But why? These shows are one of the only things that make me feel happy!” His voice cracked a bit as he tried not to get upset.

“I can’t tell you why. It just has to happen.” She said the words plainly, simply. Too innocent. 

“Gee, thanks. If I wanted to have this dry of a conversation I would have talked to the wall,” Tyler stormed off and gestured to the side of the building, walking through the side entrance. 

Anathema observed her plan taking shape. Tyler huffed up to the stage, Josh waiting patiently for him at the drums, Mark standing side stage ready to record. And Tyler was still growing frustrated. His anxiety would not shake. He took his hoodie off and handed it to Mark who put it beside him. He fidgeted and watched Josh get ready, his white shirt almost matching with his own. They took a deep breath and began to play, Tyler focusing more than usual on not messing up.

As they let the music flow, Tyler looked out into the crowd. There she was, standing in her same spot. Just the sight of her was enough to piss him off. His gaze lingered a bit too long as he hit a wrong key on his piano. The sweat began to increase. He tried his best to recover. Josh turned to him, worried. He rarely messed up this early in the show. 

They transitioned to the next song,  _ Slowtown _ , as Tyler scanned the venue, the small low-hanging glass lights and wooden beams standing out to him. He tried to make small-talk when he transitioned, but for some reason, he couldn’t find the right words. Anathema smirked, her hands slightly raised and pointed at Tyler. She was doing this to him. And he couldn’t stop it. 

He reached for his trusted keytar, small and well-loved. He ran his slightly rough fingers over the keys. With all that was left in him, he wielded a sword to fight back against Anathema’s taunts. She noticed the iron resistance from him and pushed farther, making him stumble over the words. He shook his head, this time out of his shot nerves. Josh continued to play, hoping that if he stayed calm, Tyler would too. 

The heavy thumping of Tyler’s shoes danced around the room. The song was getting more intense. He tried to smile and wave his hands flamboyantly in the air. The crowd began to sway, but so did his feet as he felt himself tripping. He got back up, feeling the embarrassment seep into his cheeks. Anathema wore that stupid grin and the song came to a close. 

Tyler, taking a breath and his place, began to transition again. This time, he tried to think of topics, tried to get ahead of the curveball that was the violet spirit. He talked about how his transitions were awkward (he could hear Anathema speak in his mind, saying, “Great idea! Inform them of how much you’re messing up the show!”), how he wrote the song (“Not bad...a bit boring, but not bad.”), until he was rambling on and on. He wanted to stop, wanted so desperately to finish out the night. But the words kept tumbling out like they were lions let loose from their cages. 

Finally, Anathema gave him a break. He started to play  _ Trees _ . He held out a note for too long, his voice giving out on him again. Luckily the audience didn’t seem too put off by it, but it felt like a thousand eyes were boring into his soul. The green, blue, and red lighting bounced and mixed together, the song simultaneously speeding up. His voice and fingers slipped at random. This was torture. 

At last, Tyler was up on top of his piano, barely enough room between him and the ceiling as he pounded on his drum with both mallets. The song came to a close and Tyler quickly jumped off the piano, feeling the shame spurring from his core. Josh didn’t get to look at him. Tyler had already gathered his things and was out the side door, the audience slowly filtering out of the room.

The night air was colder now and shocked Tyler’s system. He slammed everything in his hands into the trailer. He stormed around in a huff, Anathema watching intently, trying to restrain her laughter. She accidentally let a giggle out into the open as Tyler’s neck spinned around to pin her into the corner of the building’s exterior wall. 

“You think this is funny? Huh? You think this is so great? You must be so proud. You’ve really outdone yourself!” He said the words viciously, his tone infected with venom. 

Josh sprinted out the door, catching up to Tyler. He saw him pointing to no one and yelling with an anger he had never seen in him before. His confusion would have to wait. He darted to grab his shaking shoulders to steady him. “Tyler. Tyler! Tyler! Calm down!”

Anathema watched Tyler’s flaring nostrils and clenched fists slowly lose a bit of power. “Josh,” was all that could be muttered, his breath staggering as he tried to catch it.

“Just breathe. Focus on my voice,” Josh instructed, using Tyler’s advice from all those times that he was in this same position. He watched the fire in Tyler’s eyes slowly extinguish. His shaking ceased. “There. You’re ok.”

“I’m ok,” Tyler repeated. “I’m ok.”

“Who were you talking to?” Josh asked, too many layers to unpack in this situation. 

Tyler felt the internal panic rise again. He desperately searched for a plausible answer. “I was just...I was yelling. At myself. Yeah. I don’t know what I was doing.” He scratched his brown hair and twisted the ends of it, making himself walk towards the building’s entrance again. “C’mon. Let’s just pack up and go.”

And so they did. Josh followed behind Tyler, closely watching his every move. They gathered the rest of their equipment with Mark, who had stayed inside and left them alone. There were moments like these with Tyler that he didn’t think would be fair to broadcast for everyone to see. Everyone deserves at least some level of privacy. 

The three boys packed up and headed to the car, Josh offering to drive for Tyler. After a bit of debating back and forth, Tyler gave up and sat in the backseat. At least he could sit alone with his thoughts for a while and let them settle. 

He didn’t know what to do about Anathema. Maybe he needed help. He could just be imagining this whole thing. He didn’t even know anymore.

He glanced over to see Anathema sitting in the seat beside him, but he didn’t budge. Instead, the unfair acceptance washed over him as he felt his eyes close, his head resting on the side of the car door. She just watched him. She noted the pain pent up in his forehead, the tension resting promptly on his shoulders. She noted the shape of his eyebrows, the definition of his nose, his perfectly parted lips. And in that moment, something softened in her glimmering, haunting eyes. Something shifted in her previously cold heart.

She didn’t want to hurt him. 

What she wanted didn’t matter, couldn’t matter. She had one duty. She couldn’t mess this up. 

But seeing his pain every passing day was making it harder for her to keep going. So, she mirrored the exhausted boy and put her head on her car door as Josh took off for home. The radio began to echo softly in their ears. She rested her hand on Tyler’s, the movement shocking his eyes awake again and sending him on alert. But no matter how much he had now come to despite her, he didn’t have the heart to push her away. His eyes fell closed again, and he was drifting off into sleep. She smiled to herself while the car ride moved along. 

She had to keep pushing him. But maybe the rest could wait until tomorrow. 


	10. Searching for pieces of you

Song: Overnight by Maggie Rogers - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLp4Ibt6lQY

Beaming yellow rays of sun danced on the lawn in unison with the mid afternoon breezes. The feelings of exhaustion and tiredness crashed over the boys. All three of them sat in Josh’s front yard. A small blue cooler was by Mark’s side. He carefully opened it up to reveal some sodas. He wore a business-as-usual expression, fiddling with the buttons on his red flannel. 

“So should we talk about last night?” Mark broke the prolonged silence, flashing his gaze from Josh to Tyler.

“Alright, sure,” Josh replied as he reached over to grab a coke from the cooler. He opened it with a sizzle and took a sip. “Well, let’s start with the things we liked.”

“That sounds good,” Mark nodded, used to the post-show reflections. Usually they happen right after the show, but Tyler was obviously upset, and he didn’t want to poke the bear. 

“I thought our energy was good, especially when you encouraged everyone to jump around during Trees, Mark.”

Mark let a small smile creep over his face. “Just doing my job.”

“And I liked our transitions. I didn’t think they were awkward.” Josh set up the statement like a trap, providing Tyler with the opportunity to jump in and talk. But all he did was sit and stare off at nothing, his eyes like rolling fog, gray and hazy and complacent. “What about you, Tyler?”

He stirred a bit in his seat. Anathema sat quietly on the grass beside his tan lawn chair. She nudged him, prompting him to utter something of meaning. “Do you want a positive answer or an honest answer?”

“Here we go,” Mark sighed, perhaps letting the volume of his words slip from his grasp. 

This hit Tyler’s usually well-kept temper like a dart colliding into a bullseye. “Oh sorry, didn’t know my answer had to kiss your ass, Mark.”

“What the hell man?” he grew defensive as both him and Tyler stood up from their chairs. 

“Hey, hey, hey, settle down guys!” Josh defended, standing up and putting himself between them. “I know we’re all tired. Let’s just try to calm down.”

Tyler nodded, plopping back down in his chair and moodily grabbing a Mountain Dew. The anger felt like it had been pent up and kept away for so long. Now, he felt like he couldn’t control it. Anathema just smiled that stupid smile and flaunted that attitude he hated. 

Josh turned to pull Mark aside, removing themselves from the heat of the argument. “Look, let me talk to him. He’s just under a lot of stress with the album coming soon. I can handle this one.”

Mark let out a heavy sigh with a look of understanding. In the end, he knew that Tyler was his friend. He just had a lot on his plate. “Alright. I’ve gotta head out anyway. Got some more editing to do for the web series.”

“You really think anyone will watch that?” Josh laughed, an infectious sound, spreading warmth and light. 

“I mean I’ve been filming for a while now, so let’s hope so.” 

While Josh and Mark pulled away to talk, Tyler was left alone with Anathema. He wore a scowl on his face and crossed his arms. Anathema turned to look up at him, the wheels in her mind turning with ways to damage his emotional state even more.

“Lost in thought, huh? Any deep philosophies you want to share with me?”

“Shut up,” Tyler rolled his eyes, annoyed. 

“It’s just I haven’t seen you think this hard since last night, so I figured something was about to go down,” she laughed sarcastically.

“You’re such a pain in the ass, did you know that?” he let go with a loud exhale.

She was taken aback slightly, the words hurting her a bit more than she wanted to show. She shifted to a different tactic. Maybe if she attacked more she would actually start to enjoy it rather than be pained by every forced word. She masked her disdain well. Her image was foolproof. 

“They’re probably talking about you,” she practically sang, her eyes dashing from Josh and Mark to Tyler. 

Tyler frowned more. “And how would you know that?”

“I can go find out if you want. All I have to do is focus in on their conversation-”

“Just leave it ok!” Tyler said, getting more defensive with every word she spoke.

“They hate you. You messed up the entire show after all. It’s only a matter of time before they’ll want to leave.”

Just like that, all the anger Tyler felt slowly was replaced with complacent emptiness. He began to stare at Josh, still talking quietly with Mark. He couldn’t hate him, right? He wouldn’t have stayed around this along if he didn’t at least like him a little? He was Tyler’s only real friend, but the doubt of him not feeling the same felt so...suffocating. It was like he was drowning all over again. He watched as Mark waved goodbye to Josh, headed to his car, and drove away.

Josh turned around to see Tyler, who was drinking his Mountain Dew with curled lips and a lost look in his eyes. His demeanor was harsh and lonely, but underneath all that, he was more at war with himself than anyone else. And deep down, Josh knew this.

“Hey,” Josh said quietly, moving his chair closer to Tyler’s, sitting back down. “Are you alright?”

“I messed it up Josh. I messed up the whole show.” He looked like he was holding back all his emotions with a force stronger than he could know. 

“No you didn’t!” Josh protested.

“Don’t lie.” The words were simple, even-toned, somber. Something so small yet so impactful. The fact that Tyler thought Josh would lie was enough to make Josh feel even more wrought with guilt.

“I would never lie to you.”

“Ok. So then tell me what you really thought.”

Josh debated on how to phrase his response, searching for the right combination of words. But then he realized that’s exactly what he shouldn’t do. “You screwed it up.”

“Excuse me?” Tyler looked at him, shocked at the rawness of his words.

“You heard me. You screwed it up.” Josh returned the look with an expression of honest truth. “But that’s ok.”

“But-”

“Nope. Sometimes things don’t go as planned. And you’ve just gotta accept that.”

He’s one to talk. 

“I just knew I could do better and that bothered me.” Tyler started clinging to his soda can for any sense of balance.

“Everyone has their off days. I do. Mark does. And you do too. Life moves on. So repeat after me: I screwed up.”

“No!” Tyler laughed in disbelief.

“C’mon. Say it.”

With a bit of internal struggle, Tyler gave in. Anathema, sitting and watching the whole situation pan out, remained silent the entire time, forgetting to make things fall apart. 

“Ok. Fine. I messed up,” he mumbled. 

“Louder,” Josh teased.

“I screwed up,” Tyler said, raising his voice like the temperature rising in the Ohio air.

“Louder!” Josh chided. He stood up and motioned for Tyler to do the same.

“I screwed up!”

“Give it some passion! Louder!”

Tyler flailed his arms and yelled to the sky that haunted his days and tortured his nights. He took a deep breath and yelled as loud as he could, sure that the neighbors would complain. “I fucked up so badly and that’s ok!” 

They shared a look of pure dumbfoundment and both fell to the ground in aching laughs. They stayed there for a while, doubled over and practically crying. Tyler moved his arm, forgetting that his Mountain Dew was on the ground. He almost knocked and spilled it on Josh, prompting even more delusional laughter from them. They sat up, regaining a bit of composure as they both sat in their seats again. Josh was glad to see Tyler smiling again.

“Let me get a picture of you!” he exclaimed.

“Why?” Tyler laughed again, soft and inviting.

“Because when I remember this day, I don’t want to remember the arguments or the bad feelings. I want to remember this one happy moment.”

“Alright, alright. No need to get all sappy on me.”

But the truth was, Tyler was getting sappy himself. Anathema was too, which was so unlike her. She didn’t want to ruin this perfect moment of friendship. She’d never seen anything like it. It was incredible.

“Say cheese!”

Tyler smiled and posed with his nearly empty can, giving a ridiculously silly smile, the sun continually warming his black attire. Josh stood up and snapped the pic, meticulously making sure that it was perfect. He fidgeted with his gauges, looked at the picture, and showed Tyler.

“You can’t keep that! I look so dumb!” he argued, but this time more playfully.

“That’s exactly why I’m keeping it then,” Josh laughed in that higher tone that Tyler adored. He put his phone away and sat back down. 

“What do lactose intolerant people say when they take pictures?” Tyler blurted, not even thinking about the words before they ran out of his mouth. 

“Say upset stomach?” Josh wondered aloud with a pondering look on his face.

“Say diarrhea!” Tyler picked the response like finding gold in a gold mine. 

They both started laughing like maniacs again, their humor being only funny to them and them alone. It was nice to have someone that was just as crazy as the other sometimes. So they sat and talked about everything, from the shows to the most random things. For those moments, Tyler had felt better than he had ever been for the past few weeks. 

Anathema studied them intently on the grass swaying in the sun. She could not get caught up in the emotion, could not lose herself to her own feelings. So she pushed Tyler again, all his previous happiness diminishing into thin air. His smile turned fake, cheap, false. His eyes darkened, vacant and hollow. He could feel himself emptying inside out. 

Josh saw the flicker in his expression go out and began to blame himself. He was doing everything he could to make him feel better. Why wasn’t it lasting?

They sat there, unsure of where to go from here. Josh racked his brain for anything he could do, just something he could provide in order for Tyler to feel ok. And then, a realization hit him square in his soul.

“Let’s go on an adventure.”


	11. Empty spaces we can fill

Song: better friends by BETWEEN FRIENDS - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpBPnpB_9Ng

Tyler’s disbelief was still lying in the air as the boys headed to Josh’s car and took off into the late afternoon. The AC in the car provided just the right amount of chill during the radio’s shifts from one song to the next. The leather seats, the various mystery stains, the random items that were in the car so long it would be weird to move them...there were so many memories in this car. So many memories that they’d made together. And today would be no different.

Tyler ran his hands through his honey brown hair, twisting at the ends. A cute little habit Josh had always loved. He looks over to Josh at the wheel, nodding his head along to the beat of the music, sunglasses over his eyes. Tyler always thought Josh looked so cool with his shades.

“So where exactly are we headed?” Tyler asked with curiosity soaked in his tone. He was feeling a little better. Not much, but being with Josh always helped.

“You’ll just have to wait and see,” Josh taunted, adjusting his sunglasses and chuckling to himself.

“You know I hate surprises,” Tyler sat on the edge of his seat. He could feel the anxiety jumpstart again. 

Josh noticed and moved his sunglasses over into his soft hair, making eye contact with Tyler. “There’s nothing to be worried about. I promise. It’ll be fun.”

“I’ll take your word for it.”

“Have I ever been wrong?”

Tyler carefully considered how to play the cards he was dealt. “Yeah, actually, you have. Loads of times.” He felt his nerves calm again. He could already feel Anathema in the backseat, having too much fun toying with him. She isn’t pleased with hurting him, but she does it all the same. 

“Oh really?” Josh said, taking the bait of the challenge. “Name one time I’ve been wrong.”

“Well, the fact that you don’t dry off enough after you shower shows that you’ve been wrong on multiple occasions,” Tyler laughed dryly.

“How many times do I have to tell you that the air does its work?”

They both laughed. Tyler shook his head. He looked out his window while they pulled into an empty parking lot, which felt abandoned and out of place. “Where are we?”

“C’mon. Let’s go.”

Josh rushed out of the car, leaving Tyler to hop out and catch up behind him. Anathema trailed them both, careful to stay removed and observational. Josh wore a grin as Tyler caught up and walked by his side. Tyler’s confusion was not able to be contained. The clouds became a bit greyer, the beaming sun coming and going whenever it pleased.

“I’ve got something to show you,” Josh proclaimed eagerly.

He walked up to a fading building, old and breathless. The windows were a bit dusty and blended in with its surroundings. Tyler looked to Josh before they both approached the doors.

“Do you really think we should be doing this?” Tyler asked nervously. 

“Please. I’ve done it before. It’s been empty for years.”

Josh pulled on the metal doors and held it open for Tyler to wander inside. He muttered his thanks and they both sneaked slowly into the entrance of the building. After taking a quick look around, Tyler pinpointed that they were in an old mall. The sunlight from outside streamed in. Both stood and took in the vacantness of it all.

“So, where to first?” Josh asked with a funny sort of eagerness painted on his face. His voice echoed off the tall walls and closed down shops. 

“Uh…” Tyler trailed off, unsure of where to begin. “You’re sure this is ok?”

“Trust me. No one is here to stop us!” he exclaimed, and he grabbed Tyler’s hand to pull him along. Tyler’s eyes widened as he held on tight, bracing himself for Josh’s shenanigans. What was he getting himself into?

Josh let go once they made their way to the entrance of an empty clothing store. Nothing name-brand. Just a peculiar thrift shop on the first floor. They made their way inside, watching the floor turn from the marble tile of the halls to the dark brown wood of the store. 

Josh began sifting through a rack of hoodies which prompted Tyler to tiptoe around. He took note of the random things left behind. These items must have been unwanted, left here to rot like the rest of the mall. He remembered this place from when he was a kid, but he never could quite recall why they closed it down. All memories must come to an end, he supposed. 

As Tyler was getting lost in the maze of his own recollections, Josh peeked out from a rack, wearing a white striped shirt and a black bowtie. He was wearing it with that smile that always made the room ten times brighter, and Tyler’s mood ten times better. Tyler looked him over and felt a smile of his own creep over his face.

“Well!” Tyler said slyly. “Give me a twirl.” Without a moment’s hesitation, Josh twirled around while a laugh spread to both of them. “You should definitely keep it. It looks nice on you.”

“Tyler? Giving  _ me _ compliments? What world is this?” Josh teased. He walked closer to Tyler.

“Oh shut up,” Tyler returned, giving Josh a playful shove.

He walked over to another shelf, rifling through the remaining clothes forgotten in this time capsule of the past. Nothing too appealing caught his eyes. The textures and patterns all muddled into each other like a foggy glass of colorful paints and water. And then a jacket- no, a windbreaker- scratched against his fingers. He pulled it out of the bunch and held it in front of him. The jacket was white with a block of deep purple in the middle.

Purple. Everywhere he went there was a reminder of her.

But he loved the beauty nonetheless. So he tried it on, looking in a nearby mirror that was dusty and faded and scratched. From the altered perspective, he looked good. The purple snagged his attention again. There was a second jacket. He smirked to himself while he bent his knees slightly to grab it. 

“Hey Josh. Look what I found!” he exclaimed as Josh whipped his head in Tyler’s direction. Tyler threw the jacket lightly at him. Josh caught it with both hands and took a look at it. 

“Wow. I love it!” he said back, putting it on. He looks to Tyler with a gleam in his eyes. Even though they’re wearing the same jacket, they still somehow managed to wear it in their own style. “Let’s wear these for the next show.”

“The CD release show?” Tyler asked, eyes wide. 

“Yeah! Trust me. We’ll look so cool if we match,” Josh encouraged, giving Tyler a light pat on the back. They both took off the jackets and carried them in their arms to take with them. 

They both felt their silent laughs blend into nothing as they walked in unison out of the store. Josh waved Tyler over to the escalator, sitting still after years of no use. They both climbed it with ease. Tyler whipped his head around to look at the stores and kiosks all left to rest alone. He traveled lightly on his feet to search for another store to get lost in. Finally, a sign in orange and black lettering made its presence known. A halloween store. It must’ve been temporary for the season, meaning that the mall must’ve closed sometime in October.

Tyler’s face lit up, a newly burning fire. He ran inside, Josh following after him. Most of the decorations and costumes had been taken and packed up, but a few miscellaneous items remained. Scattered on the floors were occasional pumpkin themed decorations and cobwebs with sinister spiders. A few costumes remained on the racks. The boys went in opposite directions, circling and searching for an interesting find.

Josh had scored two plain white masks with facial features blank and expressionless. Something about the chilling simplicity spoke to him. He called to Tyler to show them to him. He grinned, them both having the thought of wearing them with the matching jackets for the show. They continued to scour the store tirelessly. They loved Halloween. 

Just as Tyler was about to give up, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a grey and white mask covered with fur. Intrigued, he pulled it out from under a few more masks piled on top of each other. 

“No way!” he yelled in excitement.

“What?” Josh asked, making his way over to Tyler. 

“Look what I found!” he said, looking to Josh, beaming. In his hands was a mask of Frank from his favorite movie,  _ Donnie Darko _ .

“That’s so sick!” Josh noted the long ears, big whited out eyes, and the creepy teeth arranged into a smile. “I wonder where the rest of the costume is.”

They began to search around the store through racks, shelves, and anywhere in between. After a good ten minutes, they accepted their defeat. 

“Well, it’s ok. I’m still keeping the mask anyway,” Tyler shrugged. He dashed to find another place to go. Josh watched him practically skipping away and laughed to himself. He was glad that this little endeavor was cheering him up. 

He hurried to catch up to Tyler and they both walked back down the escalator, searching for one last thing to do. Most stores were empty or looked too deserted to even bother with, so they stuck to the main entryways and hallways. Near another doorway they spotted a photobooth with torn black curtains and the opportunity for more cute pictures. Josh and Tyler both shared a nod and stepped inside, careful to duck their heads. They sat down on the faded brown seat before Josh was hit with a realization.

“Do you think it will work?” he asked and laughed. 

“Good question,” Tyler replied. He moved his feet carefully out of the way for Josh to hop out of the booth. He bent down to examine the slot to enter the coins to make the booth work. Unfortunately, neither had any money on them. 

Before Tyler could stop him, Josh took off to the food court, hopping behind one of the counters. He began to rummage and sift through a forgotten cash register. He emerged victorious, a few quarters and pennies waiting to be found. Tyler just laughed in utter disbelief. Of course Josh would be lucky enough to find some.

Josh made his way back to the booth, stuck the coins into the slot, and crossed his fingers tightly. The machine still worked! Josh muttered a small “Yes!” to himself as he climbed back into the booth. He positioned himself closer to Tyler. He wrapped his arm around his friend’s shoulder, causing all of Tyler’s features to light up in an instant. Both boys smiled wide and posed goofily. The camera snapped and took their pictures. 

After the click of the flash came to an end, Tyler moved his head to look over at Josh. Happiness but slight unsureness molded his features. He wanted to rest his head on Josh’s shoulder, maybe just sit awhile and forget about every single thing that was weighing him down. But he pulled away, leaving Josh slightly puzzled while he got out to grab the newly printed pictures of them. They then walked to search for one last thing to do. They finally stopped in their tracks in the middle of the mall. A red and yellow carousel waved its hello, just waiting to be discovered. 

They both shared a look of childlike innocence as they ran to sit in one of the only seats made for two people. It was white with gold ornamentations, but the paint was wearing off. They didn’t mind. They took a seat across from each other and breathed together. The quietness of the mall welcomed them home. Josh put his feet up over the side of the seat. Tyler eyed him, always finding everything Josh did to be so simple and pure. He was everything that Tyler was not, and everything Tyler needed.

The thought of not having him popped into his mind, sounding like an alarm that flooded all the ways he could lose him into his temples. He could walk out those metal doors and never come back. He always wondered what kept him around. Tyler wasn’t always the easiest person to get along with. Did he even deserve Josh anyway?

Anathema sat behind him on a nearby horse on the carousel. Why did she have to ruin everything? Tyler was growing tired of all of this. All the negativity, the sudden shifts, the ebb and flow that was her power that corrupted his very being. He placed his head in his hands dejectedly. Defeat was near and he knew it. 

“You can run around all you want, but that doesn’t mean time will stop.”

Her words poisoned his ears. His arms started shaking, his head twitching, his hands now moving to tighten around his waist. She was everywhere all at once and his vision buzzed.

“You can’t keep pretending like this. You’re not in Slowtown, Tyler.”

How did she know about that?

“You’re not a kid anymore.”

With that, his breath came out in choppy bursts, his leg now bouncing and head swaying more than ever. 

Josh noticed Tyler’s sudden mood change and immediately got up and sat down next to Tyler. His arm moved behind his back and rested on his shoulder. What should’ve been comforting made Tyler feel sick. And he hated that he couldn’t feel happy about a gesture that used to make him feel so at home. Josh felt Tyler’s tremors and tried to calm him down. “Hey. You alright?”

“Yeah. I’m fine,” he replied, putting on a brave face. 

Josh’s heart sank. He was losing him again. What could he do to make it better?

An idea sparked in his head again. He hopped up and began to make his way to the exit. 

Tyler sat up and started following him, trying to break away from Anathema’s hold. “Hey, wait! Where are you going?”

“C’mon! I’ve got one more place to show you.”

Note: And to think this whole chapter wasn't even in the first draft...and now it's one of my favorites :) I literally saw the mv for Therefore I Am and saw Billie running through an empty mall and then inspiration struck lmao


	12. Slipping away

Song: asking for a friend by mxmtoon - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uX0Y-pnpeR0 This song literally makes me cry every time it makes me so emo

After they dropped off their new items in the car, Josh led Tyler to the edge of the lot with a rusted silver fence marking the area. It must have been here for a while. Maybe even longer than the mall. The wire was sprawled out every which way, leaving the perfect entryway to the other side. Beyond the fence, there was nothing but a dense forest of trees. They waved in the blue-toned wind as the different shades of green leaves glistened and glowed. Josh grabbed the opening and pushed it further to carefully shimmy his way to the other side. He poked his hand back through to offer it to Tyler. 

“Are you sure?” Tyler swayed uneasily like the trees, tethered in one place at the edge of the pavement. 

“Trust me. I know where I’m going.” 

And with that, Tyler took hold of Josh’s soft hand and ducked to go under the fence. He regained his footing and stood up to face him. They turned towards the direction of the forest and took off. Josh took the lead, making twists and turns look easy to remember. His natural compass must be pretty good.

“You know your way around this place,” Tyler muttered, trying to make small talk to fill the overwhelming quiet of their surroundings.

“Yep. I come here a lot. I don’t know why I never took you before.” He motioned for Tyler to make one final leap through a section of trees before they came to a clearing.

The grass was overgrowing and reaching to touch the sky. The weeds and wildflowers kept each other company, and the view of the sky was clearer than ever. There wasn’t much in the clearing except for a wonderful set of train tracks. The brown and grey rust and the ever-aging wood on the tracks stood out against the greenery. And in the middle of the tracks resided one small abandoned train cart. It’s reddish exterior was faded, it’s interior free to the world, as both doors were open. 

Tyler stood in amazement, Josh's grin growing wider. “It’s pretty sick, right?”

“Sick doesn’t even describe it!” Tyler exclaimed as he ran to the train car and hopped in. Josh laughed and did the same, Tyler helping him into the car.

“I found this place a while ago just wandering around. I come here from time to time to just think. It’s pretty nice.” Josh shares this lens into his life like a book. He rests his back on one of the car’s walls. His feet spread out, his legs with his dark blue jeans crossing over the other. He was still wearing the new shirt and tie. He adjusted it while watching Tyler take a seat across from him. Tyler thought he still looked nice. 

“What do you think about?” Tyler prodded. An unusual question indeed. 

“I guess whatever’s on my mind. Just life and stuff. I don’t know. It sounds stupid,” Josh retreats. 

But Tyler thinks it sounds like just what he needs. “I wanna try it,” he replied and got to his feet.

“Ok. It’s better on the roof!” Josh got up and helped Tyler walk out and around to the side of the car. There was a small, rusted ladder on the side leading up to the roof. Josh went up first, Tyler following after. 

They both got up and laid on their backs, settling into the cold metal of the top of the car. They were close to each other, both listening to the sounds of the other’s breathing echoing up at the sky. The wind caressed their cheeks lightly. The clouds came and went, the fluffy big ones and the smaller ones that were barely a whisper all blended and followed each other, the sun occasionally peeking its head through. And Josh was right. It was nice to just think and have a moment to catch your breath. He put his hands behind his head while Tyler lied still, motionless against the frenzy of thoughts bouncing around in his head.

The more he got lost in the sea of his mind, the more he felt so hopeless. He had so many emotions and memories and worries to sort through that the mere task of it all was daunting. He had so much on his mind, so much on the line. What if he wasn’t good enough?

He wanted this album to be perfect. He desperately wished every song would live up to his expectations. But there was always that voice in his head criticizing him, ripping apart his countless hours of dedication to mere shreds. That agonizing, haunting, damned voice. Anathema.

He kept trying to convince himself that she wasn’t real. She must’ve been some silly coping mechanism, something to deflect all his stress onto. But every passing day she felt like more of a reality. Every moment she was there in some way or another. And she certainly felt real. But he had no idea if it was all in his head. And he couldn’t tell Josh. He just couldn’t. But everything was piling on. The album, touring, expectations from himself, from Josh, from Mark, from his family; everyone wants something from him, but he couldn’t give it, no matter how much he wanted to he just wasn’t strong enough-

“Tyler. Hey. Tyler!” Josh sat up to look at him. His expression was so shaken. He didn’t look like himself, his features pained and tense. He didn’t know what was wrong with him.

“Huh?” Tyler said, sitting up, catching a beam of light refract off of Anathema as she sat on the edge of the car, letting her feet dangle off. He never knew she was there until she just...was. Of course it was her doing this. Of course she had to come back for more, since the mall obviously wasn’t enough. Of course she loved this, lived for this. But her averted eyes and shifted head almost looked ashamed. 

Josh scooted closer to Tyler but he made a face like he didn’t need any consolation. Usually when he did this, he was too stubborn to admit that he did. But Josh kept his distance and tried to express his concern. “Is everything ok? I’m just...I’m worried about you, to be honest.”

Those words shouldn’t have twisted Tyler’s heart, but they did. “Don’t be worried. I’ll be fine.”

“So you’re saying you’re not fine now?”

Josh caught that. He was always so in tune with how he felt, so observant of human emotion. So Tyler figured he might as well not lie anymore, or at least tell as much of the truth as he could. 

“No. I’m not.” The words made him choke.

“You know that you can tell me when you’re struggling. Out of everybody, I thought I was the obvious choice.” Josh tried to mask the hurt in his words. He didn’t want his feelings to overshadow Tyler’s.

“It’s not that I don’t want to. I just don’t- I just don’t know how.” The realization made him angry at himself, at Anathema, at everything at once.

“Well, you’re better with words than I am!”

“It’s different here. With lyrics I get to plan out what I want to say.”

“It doesn’t have to be perfect. Just tell me what’s on your mind.”

Tyler let out a boiling sigh. “Too much is on my mind. That’s why I’m upset. I just feel all this pressure that I’m not good enough, or that I’m not living up to everyone’s expectations.”

“Since when have other people’s opinions held you back?” Josh asked, Tyler’s words coming from left field.

“I don’t know. I don’t know! I just don’t want to let anyone down,” Tyler said, his voice cracking.

“I promise you, Tyler, you aren’t letting anyone down.”

They both let each other’s words soak into their skin before Tyler faced Anathema. She looked slightly different, her usual aura dim and muted. Her face didn’t have its usual wicked glow. But she pressed on, held out her hands and stretched them to point at Tyler as the knot in his stomach continued to tighten. More and more falsities started to flood his head.

“I don’t think I want to release Regional at Best.” He blurted out the words, a terrible confession, sitting up with his knees pulled to his chest. 

Josh was absolutely stunned. “You’re kidding me.”

Tyler shook his head. “It isn’t ready.”

“What do you mean it isn’t ready? We’ve had it in its final stages for weeks now!” Josh raised his voice, trying to keep his disbelief in check.

“It’s not good enough!” Tyler yelled louder, trying so hard to fight off Anathema’s tight grip around his neck. 

“It’s more than good enough! It’s amazing! Tyler, do you know how many people have come up to us after shows saying how much they liked our songs? That kind of thing doesn’t happen every day!”

“They’re just lying. All of them. They feel bad for me and you-”

“That’s not true!”

“-because they know we won’t make it-”

“Snap out of it!” Josh interjected, shaking Tyler’s shoulders. 

“-and I should’ve just ended up dead anyway!”

“Shut up Tyler!” 

All was quiet as Josh panted heavily, seeing expressions of confusion and hurt dance across Tyler’s face like a flame in the dark. He realized the words that Tyler said as his heart raced a mile a minute. And he saw the damage done too late.

“How could you say that you wish you were dead?” Josh yelled. His words amplified off the trees. Tyler rarely ever saw Josh as angry as he was now. “Are you really that selfish?”

Tyler’s stomach dropped, feeling so guilty, so terrible, so hopeless. 

“Look Tyler, I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry.”

“No, no. It’s fine. I needed that,” Tyler said quietly, retreating back into himself.

“No, you didn’t. I’m sorry. I just hate seeing you like this,” Josh admitted.

Those last words were what did it for Tyler. Even more anger flushed to the surface. His cheeks grew red out of embarrassment, out of hatred, out of shame. “I hate seeing me like this too.” He said the words with a sort of hopelessness, one that Josh knew all too well. They met eyes and they both realized the depth of each other’s hurt.

Tyler stood up on the car, climbed down, and began running. And Josh let him. He watched as Tyler’s weary feet propelled each other and made him disappear back into the forest. He watched until he was out of sight. And then he got down and did the same. He ran after his friend until he found him, waiting in the car, his expression blank, his head wrought with fear.

And they drove home. Only this time, the promise of adventure did not greet them like an old friend. This time, the radio merely seemed like noise to fill the empty spaces. And this time, Tyler did not seem like Tyler. He was merely just a broken boy, and Josh did not know how to fix him, no matter how hard he tried.


	13. Shadows inside and out

Song: Sinking by Clairo - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G64_xr3nf44 God this song makes me cry every time too, I love Clairo sm

The car ride home was silent, but not the silence that was quiet. This silence was screaming with words unsaid and emotions swallowed like bitter pills. It weighed the air inside the car down with every passing second.

Josh’s headlights shined on the front of Tyler’s house, his windows and blinds filling with artificial light. He pulled into the driveway. Tyler could barely keep it together before finally leaving the car, rushing into his house. He slammed the door, his carefully created composure crumbling. He made his way into the basement, feeling the meltdown coming on. 

Anathema appeared, silent as an assassin, swaying in the forthcoming night. Her glowing eyes were fixed on Tyler. The apologies she wished she could say hung on her dark pink lips. But she said nothing.

Tyler stopped in his tracks, the mere sight of her making everything inside of him increase tenfold. “All I wanted was one day. Just one day to escape. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?” Tyler’s metallic words tasted like blood in his mouth as his rage took him over. He threw books, shoes, anything he could get his hands on. He was just about to begin breaking his computer when Anathema stopped him, her grip weakening by the minute.

“Stop it Tyler!” she ordered, the power in her voice less strong than before.

“Why? So you can break it yourself?” His voice shook, his temperature beginning to rise.

“Just calm down-”

“No you calm down!” he yelled as he threw a glass at her. It traveled right through her and shattered against his beige wall.

“I don’t want to hurt you!” Anathema tried to reason, some of her strength returning.

Tyler laughed in utter disbelief. “You don’t want to- you don’t want to hurt me huh? What a load of bullshit that is!” He threw another glass, then a book on his desk. “Do you know how awful you’ve made me feel? For the past few weeks, I haven’t been able to do anything normally. I can’t sleep, I don’t want to eat. I can’t even work on music without talking myself out of it. Music! The one thing I could always turn to! And now, you’ve ruined my only shot at a relationship working out for once in my goddamn life!”

“Well what did you expect would happen today huh?” she screamed over him, shutting him down, using all her energy left inside. The fire in her words filled the room around them. “Did you think that you were gonna run through the woods and gaze up at the sky and talk about the meaning of life? Was the sun gonna shine at the perfect moment as one of you broke down and held the other as you realized the true meaning of love?”

“Would that have been so hard to just let me have?” Tyler pleaded, his voice breaking.

“Wake up Tyler! This is real life!”

“Well it sure doesn’t feel like it!”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It’s not exactly a common occurrence to be haunted by a demon every waking minute!” he forced the words out like a pack of wolves tearing her apart.

“I am not a demon!” His words stung her and left her shaking.

“Then what are you?”

“I’m a part of you! Whether you like it or not, you’re gonna have to face that!”

“I didn’t ask for you to come along and ruin my plans!”

“And I didn’t ask for you to ruin mine!”

Tyler was taken aback, ignoring the words hidden behind her mouth. He ran over to his computer, his eyes now caught by the finished Regional at Best files. “All this hard work! All this hard work, and now you’ve turned it all to shit!”

“It’s not my fault. I may have helped you get to that point, but at the end of the day, it’s your feelings.”

The absurdity of her words attacked him until he felt like he was nothing more than ash. No response with thought out sentences or rebuttals could save him. Anathema watched her work come to life, watched Tyler approach the edge, further and further. He let out a scream filled with sharp and piercing pain. He was so tired. So tired of living like this. 

And just like that, she was gone.

“Well if you’re gonna ruin my life, I might as well save you some work and do it myself!” he shrieked out to no one, kicking his wall and running his hands through his hair. He collapsed to his floor, so much adrenaline coursing through his veins. He didn’t want to cry, and he didn’t have anything in him to cry either. He stayed there on his carpet shaking in his own bones. 

He did not know that there were a pair of deep brown eyes watching him from the hallway. He did not know that they were fixated on every word he screamed to no one. And he did not know that those eyes belonged to Josh.

Josh wanted so desperately to hug him and hold him in his arms. He just needed to say that everything was going to be ok, that whatever sort of twisted thing Tyler was going through would pass. But he himself did not know if those affirmations were true. And Tyler didn’t like hugs anyway. 

So he made sure to be silent when he creeped back up the stairs. But he was not quiet enough, because Tyler turned around to see who was there to see him. But all he saw was an empty hallway as Josh drove away.

But alas, he was not alone after all. For Anathema stood quietly in the corner of the room, regretful, somber, invisible. She saw what she had done to this poor boy and became disgusted. He was right to call her a demon. Because that’s exactly what she had become. 

She moved closer to Tyler, his head slowly watching her reappear. But there was absolutely nothing left inside him to fight her. She had won. The bitter defeat came rushing down, Tyler truly shattered beyond repair.

She moved closer and crouched down to meet him on the floor, her eyes staring at his back, heaving and hunched over. She wrapped her hands around him. They felt so incredibly cold, Tyler filling up with ice. He could see his breath right in front of him. 

Anathema knew that she shouldn’t be doing this. Embracing the enemy and realizing the hurt were two things that she did not intend to do. But she hated that she couldn’t let go. And Tyler hated that he could not pull away. He was empty; no energy, no words, no thoughts. Just corrupted emotion and a sickening feeling in his heart.

The tears he did not think he had inside of him came flooding out.


	14. Helpless in my own skin

Song: i need to be alone. by girl in red - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohKGB9ZLuaY Man I love Marie sm this song hits

Tyler’s fingers shook, wobbling as he tried to toy with a melody. Ever since that night, that hellfire, he’s repeated the same melody stuck in his head. A simple piano tune that he so desperately wanted to see through. But he could not for the life of him figure out how to finish it. He was tearing himself at the seams to find the lyrics. Just anything he could throw out of his spinning brain and into the air. But he was at a loss. For the first time, he did not know how to craft the words he ached to say. He did not even know what he wanted to say in the first place. And that was the problem. 

He laid his head down on his desk and let the coolness of the wooden exterior chill his flushed cheeks. His fingernails gripped the side of his black swivel chair and he desperately tried to ground himself. It had been a few days since he lashed out at her. He did not want to speak or even think her name. The hatred he felt transcended anything else taking hold of him. Now he was nothing but a creature twisted out of violent loathing set aflame with every reminder of her.

She came and went every day, doing her usual. Make his insides coil, his blood boil, his thoughts pound and pound for a way out of his head. And every day, he was gravitating closer and closer to the brink of madness. 

He realized that he wanted that sweet release of death. He craved that feeling he so desperately chased just a few short years back. Because at this point, what did he have to lose?

Josh had tried to call. Persistently. Every day. But Tyler let it ring, texting him and saying that he was busy, while the only thing he was busy with was wasting away. He felt so guilty, but if his life were going to be torture personified, he might as well try and let go now. It wasn’t working very well.

Tyler sat up from his desk, feeling a slight rush of blood to his head as he thought of his friend again. He must be letting him down. He didn’t want to. With everything that was still left inside of him, he didn’t want to. But he must have already done it. The damage burned with a crimson glow that he could not tame. Was he even his friend anymore?

His phone rang again. It was Josh. This time, he willed himself to pick it up.

Josh was shocked back to reality at the sound of his friend’s breathing over the other line. Tyler did not say anything, leaving Josh to be backed into a corner. “I know you’re there.”

Tyler breathed unevenly, feeling that darkness pool inside his veins again. But still he did not speak.

“Are you coming to the listening party tonight? Everyone is gonna be there,” Josh coaxed. 

Tyler had forgotten all about it. Life was moving too fast and so agonizingly slow all at once. And yet he still hadn’t inquired about an end, because deep down, he knew that there wouldn’t be one. He let Josh wait and wait for nothing but a mere breath. 

“Look, I just wanted to apologize. I know you’ve been feeling stressed with the album and everything, but I just wanted to say that what happened on the train is fine. Let’s just put it past us, alright?” 

Still no response. 

Josh kept attempting to mend the situation. He had to keep trying. He couldn’t just sit there and let him bleed. “Ok, so it wasn’t fine. I know it wasn’t. I was stupid and an idiot and I hurt you. I’m sorry. So incredibly sorry. I’m just so scared to lose you. I feel like you’re slipping and falling and you’re leaving me forever.” At this point, Josh’s voice was breaking like every last bit of sanity Tyler clung onto. He wanted to say how much he cared, how much he wanted to fix everything, how much he couldn’t go on any longer without him. But his anxiety made him hold his true feelings. “Tyler. I know you’re there. I’ve been worried sick. I haven’t been able to sleep. I just need to know that you’re ok.”

Tyler pushed away the tears in his eyes. His breath hitched, became caught in his lungs. Josh was right. He was slipping. He couldn’t speak. Is this what death felt like?

“Just say something.”

The silence ate him alive.

“Please.”

Tyler ended the call. 

His hands shook, his body alive with the very feelings that made him feel suspended. He placed his phone on his desk and tried to keep his overwhelming thoughts at bay.

Anathema’s voice filled the room and gutted his insides. “Why did you hang up on him?”

It took Tyler a bit to answer, for he did not know how to explain it. Everything was dull and bleak and so, so cold. But yet, everything was zooming past him in dizzying blurs. He finally settled with, “I just couldn’t bring myself to hurt anymore.”

He tried to distract himself and play around with keys and chords. Nothing was sticking. He eventually gave up, the crushing weight on his body increasing. Even though every possible thing she did to his mind and body was gut-wrenching, Anathema was the only person he knew he had left. He sat up, turning his chair to face her. “You know, you’ve made me realize something.”

Anathema was still stunned as her attention sharpened. She was sure Tyler would not speak to her after what had happened the other night. “And what’s that?”   
  
“You’ve made me realize that I never was getting better.”

The words were like a truck rearing into her. She should put an end to everything right here and now. But she couldn’t. And it killed her. “What do you mean?”   


“All this time, I thought I was doing great. I had the band, the music. Josh. Everything was moving so quickly. I guess I just didn’t have time to move with it.” His voice quivered with remorse as he nervously started fidgeting with the rubber band on his wrist. Anathema had noticed it the first time she met the boy, but thought it would be too cruel to mention. Now she was in too deep. Now, she had no choice. 

“So if you thought you were better, why did you never take it off?” She motioned to the band and watched the light drain from his eyes.

The answer formed from the fog in his mind and crept out of him with no warning. “I guess throughout all the change, I just needed one constant.” The realization made him sick.

After a moment of heavy decision, Anathema changed her tone. “Take it off,” she instructed.

“What?” Tyler panicked.

“You heard me. Take it off.”

“What? No!” Tyler began collapsing into himself, shutting down.

“Fine. You wanna do this the hard way, huh?” she attacked. She pointed her small, precise hands from across the room and snapped the band against his wrist with a heat like a rogue flame.

“Ow!” Tyler yelled, his wrist stinging, the shock startling him more than the pain. “What was that for?”   
  
“I’m just trying to help you!” she protested. She knew that was exactly what she shouldn’t do. 

“How is any of this supposed to help me?” he yelled, and she knew that he wasn’t just talking about his rubber band. 

Her face whitened. She was at a loss for words. “I just want you to realize things on your own.”   
  
“Realize things- you know what I’ve realized? I’ve realized that all my hard work and effort and passion has just gone down the drain! I’ve realized that my life is becoming a living hell and it's all because of you! And I’ve realized that God should’ve just struck me down when he had the chance!” The words tumbled out so fast that the full impact did not hit him until they were already released. 

“Don’t say that!” she pleaded, her light fading. 

“And why would you care? You know it’s true! You know every damn thing about me!” 

Like Tyler, her breath hitched. “I didn’t know you hated me.”

With that, Tyler had to decide how he truly felt about her.

“I don’t hate you. I just...I just…” He stopped, unable to express what he meant. This new feeling of having nothing to say was taking a toll on him.

“I know you do.” The hurt weighed her down as she sunk deeper into the bed. “But there’s nothing you can do to get rid of me.”

The defeat Tyler didn’t want to allow himself to feel came creeping in. “So is this how it’s gonna be? You and me? Forever?”

Forever. What a lovely word. A promise that felt infinite but at the end of the day, had a deadline. A fantastically heartbreaking lie. “That’s the plan.” Her voice shook, but not with power. Rather, it was shivering, cold in its own body, anxious and afraid of what the future would really hold. Or if there was any future at all. 

Not the answer he was praying to hear, Tyler went back to his work, staring at his computer screen illuminating broken bits of unfinished measures. A slightly crumpled piece of notebook paper was on the desk beside his arm, lyrics and phrases scribbled and attacked with the nearby ballpoint pen. Anathema looked over his shoulder, repeating an action she had been doing many times. But everything was different now. She took a breath and wished for the best. 

“Why don’t you try writing poetry instead?”   
  
Her words of encouragement baffled him, the 180 turn in the conversation giving him whiplash. “What are you- are you trying to help me?” Her silent, motionless expression of focus on the screen and paper confirmed this to be true. “I don’t even know where to start.”

“Just...write about what you’re feeling. All the things that need to escape from your heart. I don’t know. You’re the writer here.”

“Writer is a generous term,” he frowned, putting himself down. “And what I feel is just...it’s a waste of time. How do I make that specific enough?”

“Well, write about me then.” 

He turned to look at her unwavering expression. She was out of her mind. It was only a matter of time for him to decide if he was out of his. 

“Just write about how you feel about me. All the things you can pinpoint. Anything at all. Get it out,” she continued as Tyler’s eyes darted to an incoming email.

His eyes scanned the message, comprehending that there was an open mic at the nearby cafe. Anyone could come and perform, but Tyler knew the place was famous for the poets that it attracted. But out of all the times he had gotten a similar email on multiple different occasions, he did not go. He figured that his writing wasn’t polished enough to be impressive. So he only wrote to himself, his words ringing true in his own ears. He didn’t share because he didn’t want those words to fall flat in the ears of others.

Anathema’s wide eyes caught what the message said just in time before Tyler closed the window. “You’re definitely going.”

“No way.” He declared it flat out. She had already ruined him enough.

“Trust me. It’ll be fun.”

“Since when should I trust you?”

Anathema felt herself withdrawing again. “Fair point. But it could be fun. You could yell at me the whole time. I won’t mind,” she teased weakly, her usual sarcasm flickering like a broken light. The truth was that she would mind, and she would take every word personally, but she couldn’t let anyone (not even Tyler himself) know that. 

Tyler mulled over his options, feeling like he had none. He supposed she would stop bugging him about it if he just gave up and agreed. He let out an agitated sigh. “Fine. I’ll go. I don’t have anything better to do.”

Anathema collected the backhanded agreement and watched Tyler scribble furiously on his paper. Suddenly, more and more words spilled onto the page, his emotion breaking free like water behind a dam. All the millions of things he was thinking transferred to the page. His hand cramped, but he pushed through the slight pain. Finally, he emerged from the surface with something better than when he started. Using a different medium was effective after all. 

Anathema looked over at the time in the bottom corner of Tyler’s screen. They’d better get going soon if they wanted to be on time. “You should probably get ready. I’ll wait in the car.”

Just as usual, she disappeared suddenly and abruptly, leaving Tyler to his own devices. He started to quickly get ready while he recited certain lines in his head. He had to restrain himself from tearing every line to shreds due to over-analyzation. One of his trusted white striped shirts would do for the night. Just something to lean on in. They always reminded him of…

No. He couldn’t think about him today. Every reminder made his insides break more. Instead of waiting for Josh to inevitably wander another path out of his life, he pushed him away before he had the chance. He’s used to showing all the messy parts of himself and people leaving thereafter. But Josh wouldn’t just leave…

What had he done?

Distracting himself, he fumbled into a pair of his blue jeans, not even bothering to bring a sweatshirt. He slipped on his Vans and hurried to the door, although he didn’t know why.

Anathema was waiting for him, patient and oddly still. A concept that made him laugh. He took the wheel and drove on, his incredulous laughter seeping with pure lunacy. 

After all this torture, and she waited for him?


	15. Such a beautiful tragedy

Song: Pale Skin by The Regrettes - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AW8tN747eac

Warm scents of coffee and baked goods greeted Tyler at the door of the cafe. The fixtures on the around the store complemented the atmosphere, modern art and photos adorning the walls. It was cozy with chairs, booths, and coaches. On a normal day, Tyler would have enjoyed it here. Enjoyed it with Josh. But the shop made him feel sick. The earth-toned hues looked more like repeated insanity than comforting similarity. 

He swiftly made his way to an empty dark green chair and felt all his weight collapse into it. He freed a shaky exhale from his lungs that felt like hollow, barren shells. Forcing the air in and out of him was no use. He always hated when people told him to breathe. It just made him focus on the breathing more, and how he could mess it up, and again the cyclical nature of his anxiety would repeat. 

His eyes followed a young girl sitting next to him, maybe only a couple years younger than him, with light blonde hair and a smile that could only be described as beautiful in every sense of the word. She traveled up to the mini-stage area, took the microphone, and began to recite her poetry. No, recite was too uneventful. She let the words sing from inside her and light up the room as she continued on. Her style was different from Tyler’s, a bit more freeform and dependent on emphasis and tone. He tried desperately to listen to her words, the poem being something about love, a sweet simple song, before turning into something sinister. He could relate to that.

She finished performing and Tyler snapped along with the rest of the audience who was paying attention, and she sat back down in her seat next to him.

“You were fantastic,” Tyler whispered, leaning over to meet her.

“Oh, really? Thank you so much!” she blushed and twirled the ends of her hair between her fingers. 

Before Tyler could say anything else to her, another performer started playing a song on their guitar. Tyler could spot Anathema sitting across the room, not looking over-enthusiastic. She could at least try to pretend to be happy since she was the one who convinced him to go in the first place. 

After a few more performances, a quiet lull rolled over the customers in the store. No one else was heading on stage. Anathema motioned for him to get up and perform. He stumbled to his feet, reached into his pocket to read from his folded piece of paper, and began. The increasing emotion heightened with every line as he screamed out to an audience that knew nothing of his mind.

“ _ You will never know what’s behind my skull. _

_ You, the cool toned demon with a quick tongue is all knowing, showing me my insecurities like the dreams behind my eyes. _

_ But they are not dreams of the future or of life.  _

_ They are corrupted with the bleak axe of reaping, marching to take me away. _

_ You say you know everything. But you know nothing. _

_ So won’t you say goodnight, so I can say goodbye? _

_ You will never know what’s under my hair. _

_ For you twist my thoughts into merciless madness. They hound me, weapons at the ready, wondering if I will shoot first.  _

_ You drove me to the point of no return. _

_ But I guess it’s easy to point a finger when you have no one left to point back.  _

_ I guess it’s easier to pretend that you do not care. _

_ So won’t you say goodnight, so I can say goodbye? _

_ You will never know what’s under my skin. _

_ You try to fight your way in, pull down all your defenses as you attempt to creep inside my bones. _

_ But you will find that they are merely hollow, for I knew of your arrival.  _

_ I hid away all my memories and antidotes and joy. _

_ But you managed to find them anyway, locked in the closet of my barely drumming heart.  _

_ Now, I am tortured and hollow. And what good does that do for anyone? _

_ So won’t you say goodnight, so I can say goodbye? _

_ You will never know what is in my veins.  _

_ This blood is my own, coursing through the dismembered skeleton and disconnected brain.  _

_ It may not be golden and angelic and filled with light. _

_ It does not matter if it is borne from the covenant or from the water that drowns me.  _

_ In the end, it will run all the same. _

_ And even though I deny you, curse you with all of my being, I still expect you to catch me when I fall. _

_ So please come say goodnight. I don’t want to say goodbye. _ ”

By the last line, he was gripping the microphone stand for life. Tears welled in his eyes, but he did not let them fall. The words he spoke were so unlike his usual style, so foregin to his tongue. He felt guilty, but he could not pull his eyes off everyone staring straight back, their eyes like high beam lights interrogating every ounce of him. 

And then he took off, brisk against the targeting eyes boring into his soul. He ran out of the cafe with a swelling, burning feeling in his throat. His eyes stung, but his body stung worse, a crazed insanity spreading like a disease throughout his limbs. His arms began flailing, his legs running, his mouth yelling whatever words raced to his mouth (mostly the most profound things about how much of a failure he was). 

Anathema, motionless throughout the entire performance, stood up and abruptly chased after him. Tyler whipped his head from his position in the street to spot her. The strangers in the mid-afternoon sun stared at his insanity, but others disregarded the boy who was going mad. So he took off and started sprinting. Back to his car. Maybe then he could outrun her. Her, the very person that cut him to the bone with agony. He should be relieved once she’s gone, if she’ll be gone. But deep down, he knew that he wouldn’t be able to outrun her.

Anathema called after him. She knew fully well that she could transport right next to him, catch him in his tracks, and continue on with the torture. She knew even more that she could stop all of this right here and now. But she somehow loved the thrill of chasing a target that would never love her back. 

“Tyler!” she called, her voice echoing to no one but him. “Tyler, wait!”

But all he did was repeat the line,  _ You will never know _ . It was chilling and haunting and cold. Just like her. He was slowly morphing and taking on her very own qualities, slowly shifting into an altered form. He was becoming a hollow shell of what he once was, and she could not stop it. But she chased after him all the same. 

Tyler, feeling the insanity blooming, slowed to a stop when his car was in sight. He slowly pulled the door open and sat in the driver’s seat. Almost ready to take off. Almost.

He glanced over to the passenger seat and felt his stomach drop. There she was. Anathema. Eyes gleaming, body weaker than ever before. No matter how much Tyler wanted to apologize for his ruthless behavior, he could not force the words out. He could not bring himself to say he was sorry, because the truth was that he wasn’t. It was like he was being choked by the very air keeping him alive.

“You hate me.” The simplicity of her words left a chill in the air.

“I thought we already went through this.” Tyler maneuvered around saying an explicit ‘Yes’. But his words stung all the same. He was never the most sensitive person when he was upset. 

She left a beat between her next response almost as if she was waiting for it to crumble before her eyes. “I just...I didn’t think you really meant it.”

Another pause, this time from Tyler. “Well I did. And I still do. You’re the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“How could you say that?” Anathema cried, turning to look at Tyler right in the eyes, her voice filling up the whole car. “Don’t you care about anyone else at all?” She instantly regretted saying this, but she stood by it all the same.

Tyler was baffled. “What did you say?”   


“I said you don’t care about anyone but yourself.” Maybe the more she repeated it, the more she would believe it.

“And what makes you think that?” Tyler attacked, his voice rising.

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the fact that you let all your relationships fall apart? Maybe that every time someone says that they care, you push them away? Oh, and that you think you’re the only one hurting. That’s definitely a big one!” she spat, her heart turning to stone again.

“And who’s fault is it that everything in my life is crumbling, huh? Do you think I wanted any of this to happen?” he countered.

“You didn’t put up much of a fight.”

“Was I supposed to?” The absurdity of it all skyrocketed far out of Tyler’s control.

“You could’ve at least tried! You just sat there and accepted your defeat. It’s like you wanted to waste away.”

“What if I do? What if that’s what I’ve wanted this whole time?” Tyler shouted, the realizations he did not know he had inside of him making him shake. “I suppose that makes your life so much easier, then? You won’t even have to kill me off because I’ll do it myself? Is that what you want?”

Suddenly, the remaining life inside her crumbled, snapped, broke into a million pieces. “Do you think I want any of this Tyler?” The way she screamed his name made his blood run cold. “Do you think I want to hurt you? Are you really that blind?”

Tyler’s vision started spinning. “Oh, please! Don’t play that game with me. You love this!”

Anathema began to cry, her breaths coming in going in short, cut off motions. “I can’t do this. I can’t do this.” Her hands began to grip her head, and she rocked in her seat. 

Tyler pushed further. Suddenly all the hatred he had been suppressing against her came fully to the surface, unmasked by carefully crafted words and stanzas. “All you’ve ever wanted is to torture me until there’s nothing left!”

The panic settled inside Anathema’s head in even higher doses. “Stop it! Please!”

But Tyler kept going. “All you are is a monster. You’ve destroyed everything I love. You’re nothing more than a demon.”

She hated that word. With every remaining part of her that wasn’t fading, she hated it. But no matter how much she despised it, Tyler was right.

“I told you to never call me that!”

“Filthy, evil, unlovable demon.” His mind was succumbing to every dark emotion all at once.

“And what about you? You must be perfect. Not a monster at all. Not some anxious, suicidal, broken, mangled, bruised boy that will never be whole again. You can totally be saved. It’s not like you’ve been cursing your entire existence and blaming everything on me,” she screamed, the words like acid on her tongue.

“That’s not fair!” he screamed back, unafraid but somehow still so terrified.

“But no, tell me more about how I’m a fallen angel when you’ve yet to see that you’re one yourself!”

It was now Tyler who was broken and shaking, his violent tremors increasing by the second. “So you’re saying I can’t see the truth?”

“Where did you get that impression?” There it was, the sarcasm he always wanted to rip to shreds. 

“So then for once, just tell me!” he pleaded. He was trying so desperately to fight her hold.

Her silence was not like his with Josh. It wasn’t pained and sharp-edged with a million words waiting to be spoken. Instead, those millions of words broke into nothingness, a hopeless sort of anger charging the air.

Her silence was a confirmation to his downfall and her suffering. “So what’s it gonna be? How will you take me? Make it swift, at least. I don’t want to spend too much time thinking of everyone I’ll miss.” When he said everyone, Josh was the only one to come to his mind.

But with his resentful words, Anathema broke. She couldn’t tell him the truth, no matter how much she desperately wanted to. Her tears increased as she released a piercing sigh.

The confusion he felt increased in rapid doses, his heart pounding so loud, a restless drum in his ears. He looked to her with both eyes open, the fear gutting him yet again. Something about her had shifted. The sick feeling inside of him made him pool with dread. 

She looked up to him, still crying, her tears glittering. Her breaths became ragged, her aura fading even more. He didn’t understand what was happening to her. She’s been slowly slipping away from him, and he did not know why that scared him. 

They locked gazes with each other and stayed frozen in place, gazing at the rubble and wreckage of the other forged at their own hands. Tyler thought, if only for a moment, that he saw a flicker of some sort of emotion light up in Anathema’s eyes. He could not place it.

“What does Anathema mean anyway?” Tyler asked softy, treading on the brokenness he created in her. 

That was the final breaking point for her. All her hatred for herself, for what she had to do to the boy, at the listless limbo she was trapped in, came boiling at the surface. A newfound wrath sparked inside her soul. “It means something that you hate with a passion.”

Tyler looked directly into her amaranth eyes turning crimson and felt an unbridled terror roll down his spine. She was morphing into something so overcome with dark emotion that she was losing herself completely. It scared him.

So, as fast as he possibly could, he took off, speeding onto the road to make his way home. She instantly disappeared from the seat, but Tyler still booked it. He didn’t know how much time was left before she’d return again, and he was even more consumed with terror over what she would do. He quickly followed the twists and turns home, so close to his final street, when-

_ Bam!  _ One of the trees in his neighbor’s yard came pummeling down, sending shock waves through the ground as it barely missed Tyler’s car. His stomach churned and he began to sweat buckets. His only road home was blocked. 

Without a second wasted, turned around and headed towards the park, hoping that this nightmare would finally end. 


	16. Condemned to this existence

Song: All is Soft Inside by AURORA - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7shb-2SxXM

Tyler’s shaking legs sped on the brakes until he found his way to the park. He was nearly out of breath when he pulled into the parking lot, letting his eyes shift from slide to swing set to park bench. He didn’t settle for any of those, and instead jogged to the field a little ways up a small dirt path near the park once he got out. He made his way to it, and found a spot without too much dirt and weeds.

He let his back hit the ground as he stared up at the sky, the shifting blues and greys greeting him once again. He’d close his eyes, but he doesn’t want to dwell on the horrors inside his mind that were slowly crawling out. He must have outran Anathema, if only for a few minutes. He didn’t know where else to go to escape. Maybe the park comforted him and reminded him of better days. Maybe this is where he wanted to live forever, tucked away in a field in Slowtown. 

His stomach dropped as he knew she’d be here soon, her rage growing more by the second. Why did she expect Tyler to like her anyway? All she does is take and ruin and corrupt everything inside of him. And her breakdown in the car...he had never seen something so shockingly human but somehow so otherworldly.

A slight smell of smoke wafted in the air as Tyler sat up to see if he could pinpoint the location. His eyes searched around the park behind him first, to no avail. He turned his viewpoint back to the field. Bright light overflowed his vision.

Suddenly, newfound flames were eating alive the brush and tall, yellow grass as they began to spread in every direction. They morphed into a perfect circle surrounding Tyler. Everything around him was ablaze, red and orange and...purple.

Anathema floated above in the air, her features so distorted that she was barely recognizable. Her hands moved in swift, precise motions, sending the flames barreling even more. Buckets of sweat were being produced by Tyler, not sure if the flames or the heat would take him first. The circle of flames kept enclosing him closer and closer.

He let out a scream, but this one was far different than the one of a breaking heart from the other night. This one was borne out of pure, unbridled fear. His breaths became scattered, his tongue bone dry. His eyes flickered at the sight of the flames growing larger. He curled into a ball collapsing onto the ground and kept screaming.

Anathema let out a wicked laugh, and suddenly, everything was gone. Nothing had been burned or touched. Everything was completely normal.

Tyler did not stop screaming while he looked around, so confused and panicked. She could do far more than Tyler knew. And she could do much worse. 

Who knows how long Tyler stayed glued to the ground, rushing his breath as his body felt like an earthquake. He finally got up, regained his balance, and made his way to the playground again. He climbed back up the small blue slides that he and Josh sat at only a couple weeks ago. It felt like a lifetime ago. He sat there, knees to his chest, his chin resting on his knees. He looked to where Josh sat, wishing he was here. But how could he explain any of this without being outcast as a freak?   


Suddenly, Josh was sitting right across from him. His figure was grey and muddled and fuzzy. It startled Tyler so much that he sat up on alert. 

“Josh?” he asked, everything going on too much to handle. What the hell was happening now?

“I couldn’t just...let you starve!” the figure of Josh croaked as his features contorted. His mouth was pulled into a haunting smile, his eyes hollow and black, spilling blood. 

Tyler felt so disgusted by the sight as the figure turned into Anathema, placing him in a chokehold before vanishing. She left him gasping for air, unable to shake the horrors he just witnessed. 

Before anyone could tell him otherwise, he got back into his car, headed for home. He raced as fast as he could and he didn’t look back. And Anathema reappeared, making him swerve, making him stop, making cars almost collide into him. By the time he made his way back to the tree, he jumped out of the car and hopped over the corpse. He kept sprinting until he was inside his house and in his bedroom. His heavy breath filled the air, fogging up his mirror.

Anathema was standing right behind him ready to knock him out. But he whipped his head around, and she was gone with that sickening laugh. 

He sunk to the floor again, looking at the time. He’d have to get ready for the listening party. A party for an album that may never see the light of day. Tyler laughed. Out of all the reactions he could have picked, he laughed. He laughed a stupid, loud, incredulous laugh before it blended into tears he held back. And this time, he did not get up or throw things or make a scene. Instead, he just sat there with the weight of his newfound reality. 

And Anathema just stood and watched it happen, still evading his vision. She stood there, mortified at herself, mortified at the acts she made Tyler endure. She was not like the other spirits in the sense that she was kinder than most. In the rare case that a human gets a spirit, they are beyond evil with what they do every day. Just trying it with Tyler made her feel so incredibly awful. She hated what she became when she did this.

But it was too late. She had already pushed Tyler over the edge. He was out of control, and there was nothing for her to do to stop it. 


	17. Favorite friend

Song: Buzzcut Season by Lorde - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pstVCGyaUBM

Josh’s body slightly shook with the wind as the Ohio sun set behind him. He didn’t know why he was nervous. He had no reason to be scared. The album had played in his ears a thousand times. Tyler had shown him previous progress, and it replayed a thousand times more as he added in his advice and changes. He never got tired of it. He thought it was the best thing in the world.

The fact that Tyler didn’t want to release it now made him so conflicted.

But all of his concerns could be tucked away, at least for tonight. He walked into Mark’s house, greeting him as he arrived through the door. He set down his small grocery bags with the chips he was told to bring on a table Mark had set up. He made his way to the fireplace where he sat down on a ledge near the ground, joining a few other friends and familiar faces. More and more people began to pool in and take seats, eat some of the snacks, and conversate. 

Until there Tyler was, walking through the door, one copy of the CD in hand (as they hadn’t made the official copies yet). He handed it to Mark, who put it in his CD player. Tyler looked beaten and tired, the bags under his eyes and the weariness of his stance putting up multiple red flags. Something was most definitely wrong. 

Some of the guests got up to greet Tyler, give him a pat on the back, or just wave and say hi. He gave half-hearted greetings before he went to go sit next to Josh. 

_ Well, at least he still wants to be near me _ , Josh thought quietly. After their last phone call, Josh had paced his room and tried anything to distract himself. Not even drumming could tear his mind away from Tyler. He was the most important person in his life. And he was just letting his fade away.

Mark dimmed the lights. The guests took their seats and began to hush. 

Tyler’s eyes were glazed as Josh pinpointed that his mind was in space. Mark coughed a bit, signaling that Tyler had to get up and make a little speech before they all listened. Tyler got up, not even feeling embarrassed. Josh thought he looked so incredibly...off.

“Welcome everybody!” Tyler tried to be enthusiastic, but he was failing. Josh could tell in an instant, but the audience seemed fooled enough. “Thank you all for coming. Now, me, Josh, and Mark have worked really hard on making this, and we’re really excited to share this with you. Enjoy!” he said as everyone clapped. Josh just stared at Tyler, stumbling to sit back down.

Mark pushed play on the CD player, and off they were. First, Guns for Hands started playing. Some of the guests began to cheer and clap, but Tyler’s expression remained unchanged. Then Holding on to You came on, a fan favorite, and everything went by fairly smoothly. Josh could definitely weed out the people who genuinely enjoyed and understood the music and those who were just there for support. Tyler could tell too, but his mind was too busy dealing with the most agonizing pain.

Then Ode to Sleep. An odd track indeed. It was definitely experimental, Josh had to admit. He could appreciate Tyler’s nerve with a track like this. It was one of his favorites. One of their favorites. 

“Hey! Heckler! You think this is funny?” Tyler yelled across the room Mark instinctively cut the music off. Tyler stalked over to Nick, the former bassist. “You leave the band and then shit on the music? Really fucking funny pal!”

“Woah, woah, woah!” Mark said, trying to get in between them. “Settle down Tyler!” There were gasps and looks of confusion filling the room, everyone turning to see what was going on.

Tyler said he had laughed. But Nick had been dead silent the whole time. 

Something was most definitely wrong.

“I didn’t say anything man! Just calm down!” Nick said, putting his hands up, signaling a white flag. 

“I knew we shouldn’t have invited him! But no Mark, you wanted to just stir things up didn’t you!” Tyler’s eyes became wide with fury. Josh had never seen him like this before. “Always want to make things interesting for your little documentary that’ll go nowhere, huh?”

Josh got up from his seat to detach Tyler from the situation. “Tyler. Tyler. Calm down. Let’s just keep listening.”

Tyler began to violently shake his head. “No, no. It’s not ready.”

“Tyler!” Josh scolded, trying to hold him down as he squirmed in his arms. “Tyler!”

Tyler had already broken free from his grip, practically ripping the CD from the player and shoving it back into his case. “Stop saying my name like that!”

“Tyler, you better put that back,” Josh warned, approaching him again.

“Don’t say my name!”

“Tyler!”

“SHUT UP!” he screamed, turning around, punching Josh clean in the face with one swift blow. 

A bit of blood slowly filled Josh’s mouth that tasted of metallic guilt. He stared at Tyler, noticing a fire and an animalistic quality in his eyes he had never seen in his life. Their eyes were glued to each other, a charged silence as they and everyone else stared. 

Tyler ran out of the door faster than Josh had ever seen him. He didn’t even look back at all the people they left hanging. Instinctively, he ran and called after him.

After a bit of chasing in the now chilly night, Tyler stopped in the middle of the neighborhood road. Josh caught up, placing his arm on Tyler’s shoulder, but he shrugged it off. Josh tried to comfort him, but Tyler sporadically turned around and shoved Josh away.

“What the hell is going on?” Josh yelled. He didn’t care if the neighbors heard, didn’t care about his face that was throbbing.

“It’s not ready!” he repeated again, mirroring Josh’s tone.

“Well you didn’t have to punch me to tell me that!”

“You wouldn’t shut up!” Tyler countered, because in his mind, everyone was looking at him, Nick was laughing, and Josh’s voice was so loud that it split his ears in two. 

“So now what? Are you just gonna scrap the album?”   


“I’m getting real close!” Tyler said, getting in Josh’s face. He practically growled the words.

“After all of our work? You’re just gonna destroy everything? How could you do that?” Josh said back, standing his ground.

“Because everyone hates it!”

“No one hates it! They all love it!”

“Stop saying that!”

“They’re so proud of everything we’ve done, everything you’ve done!”

“Stop it!”

“They adore you!”

“STOP IT! STOP LYING!”

“Goddammit Tyler! Can you please just tell me what’s going on?” Josh screamed as his voice broke and the silent tears rushed down his face. He grabbed Tyler’s hands but he pulled away. 

“I can’t!” he screamed back.

Anathema was standing, watching the whole time. Doing nothing. He was spiralling out of her controlled torture with nothing she could do.

“You’re my best friend Tyler. Please! You can trust me with anything!”

And with those words, Tyler reached the edge. He turned around a bit, his arms making exasperated movements while he let out a gut-wrenching scream.

“I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S REAL ANYMORE!” he cried out as he saw his only friend breaking in front of him, piece by glass piece. He shook his head, yelled out again, and sprinted to his car, speeding away.

Josh sunk to the ground as he knew that going after him would be no use. He didn't even have to turn around to know that Mark and the rest of the guests were watching them from the windows. 

Anathema observed the broken boy’s best friend crying in the middle of the street. And she was then faced with a decision. A decision so large that it could alter the fate of her future forever.

She slowly walked over and tapped Josh’s shoulder. 


	18. Running out of time

Song: Like You Do by Joji - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bv-1BnoB75k This is one of his best songs. Like ever. Makes me cry every time.

Josh felt a shock of electricity course through his veins that startled him back to life. He looked up to see a purple, shadowy figure appear. His eyes grew wide, filling with fear. She had tapped him, a soft methodical movement, and she backed up to look at him. The tear stained, messy haired, failure of a friend.

“Who are you?” Josh asked, his voice still hoarse from the previous argument. The words he spoke still lingered on his tongue. 

Anathema, not in her usual spirits, looked worse than ever before. Her one vibrant glow was nearly extinguished. The glitter of her soul had lost its shine. She could barely move. “Look, there’s going to be a lot to unpack with what I tell you, so please don’t doubt me. What I’m about to say is 100% the truth.” 

Josh nodded, balancing the tightrope of being more unnerved and worried. “Ok. Go on.”

“My name is Anathema. I am a spirit. Tyler’s spirit. I represent and personify his insecurities.”

Everything running through Josh’s mind suddenly stopped. She had barely gotten started and he was already struggling to grasp her words. “How do I know for sure that this is true?”   


Without missing a beat, Anathema flickered the lights, set off a car alarm, and brought Josh up to his feet simultaneously. She snapped her fingers, sending an electric volt of electricity to shoot through the sky. She snapped again, and all was quiet. The simple actions alone drained her even more.

“Ok. I believe you,” Josh nodded, his eyes wide and telling, his voice wobbling for balance. 

“I’ve been making his life...difficult for the past few weeks. You’ve probably noticed how much he’s changed,” Anathema confessed, her tone surprisingly calm. 

“What do you mean ‘difficult’?” Josh asked, his tone rising. His concern for his best friend ran deep. He got to his feet and in her face. “What did you do to him?”

“I pushed him over the edge. I didn’t want to, and I feel awful. Because now he’s seeing things without my influence and he’s slipping. And I can’t stop him.”

“So if you didn’t want to push him, why did you do it?” he demanded. 

“Because if I didn’t...because if I didn’t, I’d die.”

“What?”

“My whole purpose as a manifestation is to essentially torment him until he…” She could not finish the thought, too torn up over the job she wished she never had. Josh understood what her silence meant.

“Until he’s gone,” Josh finished for her.

She nodded her head in a solemn acceptance. “The one thing us spirits cannot do is grow fond of our victims. And that’s exactly what happened. I felt so guilty, but I pushed through, hurting him even more. I thought I would feel better. But it just made me feel so evil. I’ve been losing my strength ever since I realized that I cared about him.”

Josh felt a heavy remorse wash over him. “So what will happen to you?” He already knew the answer.

“I don’t have much time left,” she said quietly. “And you don’t either! You have to go after him!”

“What happened?” he asked, the sudden abruptness of the situation putting him in full gear.

“He’s gonna self-destruct. I’ve corrupted him from the inside out. You need to be there to talk him out of it.”

“Do you know where he is?”

“Yes. He’s headed towards the forest with the train. You’ll have to hurry if you want to catch him!”

“Can’t you come with me?” Josh pleaded as his voice rose.

“I can’t. It’s all up to you, Josh,” she whispered, pleading. “But I can do one more thing for you.”

“What? What is it?”

“I can make you see everything he sees,” she offered darkly. “But I’m warning you. His mind is the wildest and most terrifying that it’s ever been. It could be incredibly dangerous.”

“I’ll do anything to save him. You know that.”

“I do. Alright then. Come here.”

Josh ran over to face her in order for her to outstretch her hands. He closed his eyes. She placed both hands on his forehead, and he began to see a blending of colors and shapes as his eyes opened again. 

He shared a look into her deep, hypnotic eyes and nodded his head, turning to run to his car. The deed was done. He sped away, not wasting a second of time to find Tyler. 

It was just like Anathema said. It was all up to him now. He hoped that Tyler would still be there waiting for him. 


	19. Can I save you?

Song: Future by Paramore - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oScRBsOV6I This song is sort of long but such an emotional experience

*Just a warning that this chapter is pretty emotionally heavy. I don't want to give any major spoilers, but if death is triggering to you, read at your own risk. Stay safe lovelies!!*

Streetlights, roads, the ever-brightening moon...everything went by in a blurry haze as Josh rushed to find Tyler. His hands shook on the wheel of his car, but he tried to calm himself. Just breathe. Just breathe. But breathing didn’t seem to be helping when every inhale was sharp and forced, and every exhale was shaky and worn. He couldn’t see straight with his mind in a million different places at once. He was surprised he barely made it there, parking his car in the empty parking lot.

The night was as quiet as ever, almost too quiet. No bugs or birds chirped a song. The stars were almost hauntingly placed amongst the sky. The unnerving feeling Josh got in the pit of his stomach grew once he left the safety of his car and booked it to the fence. 

He practically tore open the broken wiring. His feet frantically moved on their own as soon as he made it to the other side. And then, he took off running into the woods as fast as he could. It wasn’t too late. It couldn’t be too late. Please don’t let it be too late-

Finally, the clearing came into his sight. He screeched to a halt. Tyler was standing on top of the train. But it wasn’t a normal sight. Black and gray darkness swirled around him, causing him to levitate off the top of the train. Gusts of wind circled around him and his whole body shook. The once purple light seeped and shifted to a deep red. 

Josh broke the seal on his feet and sprinted towards the train car, dashing over to the ladder and up the steps. The wind whipped his face and made his eyes water, but he pushed through. 

“Tyler!” he yelled, the commotion and chaos piercing his ears. This must have been what Tyler was talking about. It was unbearable. 

Tyler could only utter a few noises and sounds. The wind swirling around him suddenly picked up speed. Josh took baby steps toward him with caution. 

“Just focus on my voice!” he said louder than before. 

Just then, Tyler’s eyes turned as black as ink, then trickled into a faint glow. His teeth slowly curled into a twisted smile, his skin turning paler by the second. Dark clouds began to form a thunderstorm around them. First droplets fell from the bleakness, then instant buckets. Tyler was a monster.

“Why should I listen to you?” Tyler snarled with his teeth bared, ready to attack.

“Because I’m your best friend!” Josh tried to reason, but lighting began striking with the rain.

“Please. You don’t care. You want me dead!” His voice was deep, almost like it was pitched down. It resonated deep in Josh’s core, and it scared him down to the bone.

“No I don’t! When have I ever said that?”   


“You didn’t. But I just know you do. Life would be so much easier without this broken mess of a boy! I’m just a monster! Don’t you see what I’ve become?” Tyler bellowed, his voice echoing all around the forest. His face was drenched with sweat and rain as he continued to rise above the train. 

“You’re not a monster! Tyler, you’re the opposite! Life would be so much worse without you!”

“I TOLD YOU TO STOP LYING TO ME!” he shouted in a tone so chilling that it made Josh’s heart stop for a moment. He graced his hands over some of the darkness surrounding him and let it take over more of himself.

But then, as Josh looked directly into his eyes, he saw a flicker of Tyler. Not this newfound version made of fear and suffering. No. It was the old Tyler. The Tyler he knew. The one who played piano with all the force in the world and sang like an angel. The one who made bad jokes and got competitive and would never let him down. The one who would hold him when the world was crashing down on him, and the one who would softly play his ukulele until he fell back to sleep.

The one that was his best friend, his favorite person, his reason to wake up.

“I’m not lying!” Josh yelled with equal force, challenging the hollow shell of Tyler’s fear. “You’re so incredibly important!”

Tyler twitched and began to shake, the positive words chipping away at his corrupted exterior. The darkness and wind pounded at full speed, but Josh’s new strategy seemed to be working. 

“You have so much left to give!”

Another slash to his heart.

“You are so much more than everything you fear.”

Tyler let out a scream while new white light shined through his heart. 

“You can overcome this!” Josh braved towards Tyler, now drenched in rain. He grabbed Tyler’s hands and put them in his. He pulled him down from the air. 

“I’m gonna die!” He screamed as his real voice and low voice muddled together.

“For as long as I’m alive, I’ll never let that happen.”

He screamed again, longer and more agonizing, more pure light clashing with the darkness. His mouth dripped with venom, his eyes shedding tears of blood. Lighting struck him and he put his hands on his head, all the words and storms and darkness eating him alive.

“Just look at me,” Josh said through tears as he picked up Tyler’s head and looked at him right in the eyes. “I’m never letting go.”

Tyler broke into a million pieces. He let out the loudest scream of all. He shot up high into the air, spinning uncontrollably as the light and dark crashed and tore him apart. 

What Josh saw next would haunt him for the rest of his days.

First, the swirling clouds formed into hands, holding guns, inching closer to Tyler’s head until they all rested on his face and temples. He stayed suspended in motion with nothing to be done. He cried out, the guns going off, Tyler wincing, but there were no bullets. Instead, a blow the size of an explosion sounded and blinded his ears. The hands shifted to a noose, making its way closer to Tyler’s neck, wrapping until he was choking and gasping for air. Josh panicked. There was no way for him to make it up to him. He was too high up in the sky. 

The rope faded, an old man appearing before the boys. He was short with an unnerving presence, his hairline receding. He struck Tyler in the face before laughing, the demons shining in his eyes. He was gone, one red and blue sock forcing their way on Tyler’s feet. They burned as he spun and spun and could not stop, going too fast to be saved. 

Josh was sobbing, feeling so powerless at the calamity happening right before his eyes. But then it clicked. Every image was something from each one of their songs from Regional at Best. And Josh would have to sit, a prisoner of the events unfolding before him, and watch Tyler suffer.

A steering wheel made itself known right before Tyler’s eyes. It dragged with magnetic force at him, begging for him to pull it. The overwhelming silence of no car radio made Tyler feel sick to his stomach. He finally grabbed the wheel, but pulled his hands back quickly, letting out agonizing cries of pain. His hands were catching on fire. They smelled of gasoline, the treehouse in the distance burning in slow unison.

The pain slowly trickled off as a new demon appeared. Thousands of pairs of eyes illuminated the increasing darkness of the storm. Their gaze slowly circled Tyler, scaring him beyond all measure. Only when a singular kitchen sink appeared in the midst of the chaos did their presence cease. The kitchen sink where a moment of realization helped him out of the dark. A moment that would fuel him to continue to travel along the path of life.

Something shifted in him at that moment while he watched the sink crumble and let the rubble collide onto his barely functioning body. That feeling of purpose from the sink ignited a fire in his soul. He decided to fight back. 

But the darkness would fight harder.

Suddenly, cobwebs and flies flew out of his chest and mouth, old and decaying, their speed and quantity increasing at a speed in which Josh could not comprehend. He could not stop screaming. What could he do? 

Then, an angel appeared before Tyler in varying hues of pink and red, repeating that Tyler should be sorry for the sins he had committed. Their voice grew louder, Tyler growing weaker, his attempts to fight short lived. The angel morphed to God, no, a false portrait of him that was cruel and sinister. The tortured boy’s breath hitched as he looked into His eyes and felt His death, the same feeling he felt in those trees all those years ago. And he realized he did not want it. Not anymore. But his feelings had no say in the matter.

God stayed as bridges made of bone and tears rose to the surface. They burned in a similar light like the treehouse, like his hands, like his soul. And he continued to stay as he burned Tyler’s corrupted blood and drained it in his hands, watched as he shot his own general on his side of enemy lines. 

With that, everything came back to haunt him at once, clashing and colliding with one another, ripping Tyler apart as he screamed and cried and felt the pain of a thousand more regrets hinging on his soul.

Then, as if Anathema herself had snapped her fingers, everything became still. The storm ceased. The darkness dissipated. Tyler slowly lowered until he collapsed on the top of the train. His face was wet with the rain. Josh looked into his eyes again. The black and red was fading. They turned back into the dark hazel brown that Josh held so close to his heart.

Tyler stared back, if only for a brief moment before all his remaining energy collectively scattered from his body. He dropped all his weight into Josh’s arms and became quiet.

And he remained quiet. Too quiet. 

Josh turned Tyler’s body over to see that his eyes were closed. He put his ear close to Tyler’s chest.

He wasn’t breathing.

His stomach dropped to the ground, his heart banging to leap from his chest. His breath became so short that he thought he would pass out any second. He couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down his face. He hadn’t stopped crying. 

“No, no, no, no, no! Tyler! Tyler, you can’t leave me. You can’t leave! Tyler, wake up! Wake up!” Josh rushed and slurred his words, shaking as he tried to give him CPR. Nothing was working. “Tyler! I can’t do this without you!”

The boy lied still, his eyes staying closed. Josh began panicking, shaking, screaming. He fell onto Tyler, weeping into his chest. He stayed there for a while, holding onto his brother, sobbing in uncontrollable bursts. They eventually faded out as he forced himself to let go and sit up. He stared at Tyler’s face, at how beautiful he really was, at his perfect features and hidden mind. So many things he would never know.

So Josh layed Tyler down on his back, his face positioned to watch the nighttime sky. Josh moved to the edge of the train, holding his shaking body. A job that was once Tyler’s. He replayed all his memories with him, all of them colliding at once. He didn’t know what to do. Until one last thing came to his mind.

He cleared his throat, trying not to cry again, beginning to say those beloved words of Goodnight Moon. He didn’t even need the book to remember them.

“ _ In the great green room  _

_ There was a telephone  _

_ And a red balloon  _

_ And a picture of  _

_ The cow jumping over the moon  _

_ And there were three little bears sitting on chairs  _

_ And two little kittens  _

_ And a pair of mittens  _

_ And a little toy house  _

_ And a young mouse  _

_ And a comb and a brush and a bowl full of mush  _

_ And a quiet old lady who was whispering ‘hush’  _

_ Goodnight room  _

_ Goodnight moon  _

_ Goodnight cow jumping over the moon  _

_ Goodnight light  _

_ And the red balloon  _

_ Goodnight bears  _

_ Goodnight chairs  _

_ Goodnight kittens  _

_ And goodnight mittens  _

_ Goodnight clocks  _

_ And goodnight socks  _

_ Goodnight little house  _

_ And goodnight mouse  _

_ Goodnight comb  _

_ And goodnight brush  _

_ Goodnight nobody  _

_ Goodnight mush  _

_ And goodnight to the old lady whispering ‘hush’ _ ”

Josh broke down after holding back, putting his head in his hands. He didn’t have enough strength to finish.

“Goodnight stars, Goodnight air, Goodnight noises everywhere.”

All the hairs stood up on the back of Josh’s head as he turned around. 

He was not the one to finish the book.

His heart stopped. He looked into Tyler’s eyes and he sat up.

“Oh my God!” Josh got up and fell into Tyler’s arms. Tyler let out a small grunt of pain, sinking from the impact.

Josh pulled back on instinct and began to stutter. “I know you don’t like hugs-”

But Tyler had already got up and pulled Josh into an embrace. It was so tight, but so soft, and so safe. The comfort of the other was the best feeling in the world. They never wanted to leave. Josh began to sob again into Tyler’s arms. He pulled him away to look into the windows of his soul.

“Shh, don’t cry,” he whispered, stroking Josh’s hair, but he started to cry, too.

“I thought you were dead!” Josh whispered back, no more energy left to scream or curse or lose himself again. “I don’t know how I would’ve gone on without you.” 

The words unsaid and the meaning hidden made Tyler and Josh cry even more. They sank even closer to each other. Josh thanked God a million times, and a million times after that. 

His everything was alive.

After the lengthy pause of no words to even describe their feelings, Josh tried his best to fill in the gaps. “I know about Anathema.”

“You do?” 

“Yeah.”

An instant relief washed over Tyler’s face, but it was replaced with guilt all too quickly. “I’m so sorry. For everything.” Tyler began to break down. “I just lost myself and left you in the dark.”

“Don’t blame yourself,” Josh comforted. 

“But you saw me turn into that...that thing. That monster. And she was the whole cause!”

“Tyler-” Josh started, unsure of where the situation was going.

Tyler muttered the words with an acidic loathing. “I hate her.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Why?” Tyler asked, confused. “You know that she started all of this, right?”

“She didn’t want to.”

“What?”   
  
“The whole reason she did this was because she had no other choice. If she didn’t torture you...she’d die.” Josh watched Tyler’s face turn from shock to sadness. “As a spirit, she wasn’t supposed to get attached to you. But she did.”

Tyler soaked in every word, trying to piece together the situation. “So where is she now?”

“Your guess is as good as mine,” Josh said after racking his brain.

Little did they know that through it all, Anathema was there and invisible to them both. She appeared, silent and somber. She breathed a forbidden white light into Tyler and he woke up.

She used what little life she had left and gave it to him. And then she disappeared. 

Josh and Tyler held each other in their arms as they healed each other. They gazed up at the stars, at the sky, at the trees bending their arms to splash the Milky Way. After a while, Tyler spoke again.

“Hey Josh?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah Tyler?”

“I don’t like hugs.”

Josh let out a small, almost disappointed laugh. “Really now?”

“Yeah. But I think I’ll allow them from you.”

The biggest smile overtook Josh’s face. Tyler nestled and rested his head on Josh’s chest. For as long as each of them were alive, they would never leave each other’s side.


	20. Creation of many kinds

Song: Intertwined by dodie - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GC50YZyGFs

Josh wrestled with the covers of the bed, restless and wide-eyed. His breath felt short-lived and shallow. It was now at the point that he was unable to sleep. He tried adjusting his head on the gray pillowcase, but the pillow had not yet molded and learned every inch of Josh’s intricate head. For it was not his own. And the earth-toned blankets were not his either. No, this was Tyler’s bed. 

Ever since “the incident” (as Josh would call it) a few days ago, Josh had not left Tyler’s side. Just like they both had promised. Josh had driven Tyler home that first night, carrying him in his arms out of his car and up to Tyler’s bedroom. He laid him in his bed and tucked him in gently. But when Josh tried to get up and leave, Tyler’s arm caught his wrist with a strong amount of unwavering force. 

“I need you to stay,” he had whispered, and that was that.

Josh offered to sleep on the floor, or the couch downstairs, or even uncomfortably in Tyler’s desk chair. But Tyler had insisted that he stayed in his own bed. Something about the way he said it made Josh feel at ease. He was worried about him, and rightfully so after what had happened. Still, his mind had convinced him that the amount of steady affection that happened on the train was a fluke, merely something crafted out of their emotional trauma. 

Josh had changed into some of Tyler’s old pajamas. They were a little small, initiating the first genuine laugh he had heard from Tyler in the span of forever. He had missed that sound. He didn’t realize he was aching for it until he heard it, and then he felt a whole new wave of emotion all over again.

Josh had rummaged through one of his bags all the way back from Ichthus. It felt like forever ago. Tyler carefully noted every detail about him while he retrieved a well-loved gray sweatshirt. His sweatshirt. The smile that overtook his face brimmed from both ears. 

“I meant to give this back a while ago,” Josh started, his face lighting up at the sight of Tyler’s happiness. He tossed it to Tyler who was cocooned under the covers, soft like a whispering cloud.

With a shrug, he pulled it over his head. The familiar feeling of the soft fleece brushed against his skin. Everything felt the same, only so much better. And this time, he wasn’t just talking about the sweatshirt. Everything with Josh now just felt so easy, so breathless, so free. Just how it used to be. But now, it was ten times better. The sweatshirt smelled like Josh. It felt nice. 

Tyler waved his one true comfort over to join him under the covers. This was the first time he was doing this. Sharing his sleep with a friend. They had only known each other for a year, but these past few weeks had felt like an eternity of learning what truly lied dormant beneath their exteriors. 

Josh had crawled on top of the bed like a child and slipped under the blankets on the right side. Even though they both were so happy to be near, the first night was filled with uncertainty. They both didn't know if they could get close to each other again, both not wanting to push the other or make them uncomfortable. But by a few nights into them spending every lazy day together, and finally talking about everything they had kept from each other, their trust was back and stronger than ever. 

And then they didn’t even need to ask each other if they could get closer. Because closer was a word they had redefined. Closer was a notion they dreamed of with both eyes open. Closer was flowing and never ceasing, from dusk till dawn and dusk again. For they were always near, always connected, and always not close enough. 

Tonight, Josh was restless. This much was true. It was only because his mind was busy running a marathon trying to catch up with the past, present, and future. But Tyler had gravitated more and more to him each night, and tonight they shared one side of the bed, his head resting and arms wrapped around Josh’s chest. He slept soundly, feeling the most peaceful and safe he had ever felt. Josh liked the smell of the sheets. They smelled like Tyler, like pine and honey and ebony skies. 

Sleep still did not entrance Josh. He gazed at Tyler, the full effect of everything he had been denying coming full force. He cared for him so much. And after the incident, he never wanted to let him out of his sight. He looked so cute sleeping, too. So, with a low breath and a click of his phone camera, he slowly took a photo of his friend. Just like Tyler did back in the tent. He thought he was so sneaky, but Josh was still awake. He knew that if he opened his eyes, Tyler would stop, so he didn’t. 

Finally, he slowly slipped out of bed and tiptoed across the room, out the door, down the stairs, until he found his way into the kitchen. He was careful not to wake Tyler. 

Perhaps a midnight snack would clear his mind. But it was well past midnight, him finding out by glancing at his blue wrist watch he never would take off. Tyler got into the habit of fiddling with it as he fell asleep. 

Silent as ever, he opened Tyler’s fridge and grabbed out the small plastic jug of milk and placed it on the nearby counter, making sure that when he closed the door of the fridge, he wouldn’t make any more noise than he had to. He headed to the light brown cupboards where he fished out a light red bowl. Then, he sneaked to the pantry, pouring some Captain Crunch into his bowl. He put the box away carefully, added the milk to his bowl, put the jug back in the fridge, took a spoon from another drawer, and-

“Jesus!” Josh exclaimed, turning around to see Tyler, who was watching him the whole time. 

“-Is my Lord and Savior. Love you buddy,” Tyler said sarcastically with a gleam in his eyes. His hands formed into a sign of prayer. 

Josh let out a rolling chuckle. He could never stay mad at Tyler for more than a few minutes. “How long were you watching me?”

“Long enough to know that you look extremely cute when you make cereal. I’ll have to remember that one.” Tyler made a face like he was committing the fact to memory. Josh just rolled his eyes, but he was happy nonetheless. 

He shuffled his feet along the floor to meet him at the small table near the window. They both sat down across from each other, Josh starting to munch on his cereal. 

Tyler noticed Josh’s eyes flicker to their only copy of Regional at Best, the one he brought to the party. It was slightly mishandled from what had happened, with a few scratches and bruises scattered about its frame. An unspoken feeling of guilt pulsed between them both.

“So...do you still think it isn’t ready?” Josh asked quietly, looking up from his bowl.

Tyler gave it some thought before he continued. “Yes.”

Josh let his disappointment peak through but tried to see things from Tyler’s perspective. “I mean I guess it’s understandable to not release it after what happened.”

“Who said anything about not releasing it?” Tyler gave Josh a tiny trace of a smile.

“Now I’m confused,” Josh said suspiciously. He finished his cereal and walked over to fill the bowl with some tap water and let it soak in the sink. 

Tyler got up and walked to Josh. “We’re still releasing it. We just need to add something first.”

“What exactly did you have in mind?”

“Another song,” Tyler admitted. 

“Is it another demo?” Josh asked as he watched Tyler’s eyes bounce from the ceiling to his face. “I always liked the one you called Creepy.”

“Maybe I’ll release that one someday. But no. A completely new song.”

“Ok,” Josh trailed off. “Don’t we have to send the finished files to the manufacturer by the end of the day tomorrow though?”

“Yep. So let’s get going!” Tyler enthusiastically ran over and dragged Josh to the basement. 

Tyler closed the door and sat down at his desk, switching on his computer. Josh took a seat on the couch and took note of the moon and stars dancing in the midnight sky. The pitch black continuity of the neverending universe made him long for nights of stargazing and early morning sunrises. Tyler stopped and joined him on the couch, sharing a brief moment of staring together before they got to work.

“What exactly are we doing? Do you just want to write a song? With me?” Josh said, unsure, nervous, maybe even a bit daunted by the task. He had only joined the band recently after all. Most (if not all) of the songs on the album had been finished or on the homestretch of being completed when he took Chris’ place.

“Of course,” Tyler replied. He shuffled over and settled in on the couch after bending down to pick up his keyboard resting on the floor. He switched it on and let it rest on his lap. Josh looked at him, puzzled, but still was excited to get to work from scratch. He racked his brain for something to get the ball rolling. Tyler was already two steps ahead of him. 

“I want to write a song about her.”

Josh didn’t even have to ask to know who he was referring to. “Really? After all she did to you?” It wasn’t an accusation, but merely just an inquiry. Josh didn’t know how one would think of someone like her after everything that had taken place.

“Yeah,” Tyler said, not even hesitating once. “I think after all she did to me, I need to write about it more than ever.” Josh gave a look of surprise, so Tyler elaborated more. “I just need some closure. A final goodbye. All the words I wish I had said to her. I just need to get it out. And I think it could help someone if they heard it, even if it’s just one person who resonates. That’s all it takes for me to feel like I’m doing something right.”

Tyler’s heartfelt speech made Josh softly smile and move closer to him. He patted Tyler on the back lightly with care, a small gesture of his support. “So where should we start?”

“I have a little melody that’s been stuck in my head,” Tyler smiled back and began to play it on the regular settings of his keyboard. It was the melody he was stuck on with Anathema, the one that made him question his purpose and throw anger at his abilities. But now, his fingers dashed and danced from one key to the next. It was something Josh always got lost in. He was mesmerized.

“That’s fantastic!” Josh whispered excitedly. Tyler sat up a bit with pride, feeling confident again. “I think it would sound really cool with some synth.”   


Tyler smiled even more, his teeth illuminating any doubt and darkness previously residing in both of their hearts. What would he do without him? “That would be sick!”   


They both sprang up from the couch and huddled together to add more instrumentals to the track pulled up on the screen. And so the process began.

They stayed up until the hazy orange sun began to break the night and create the day. For hours they bounced back and forth from different elements of keyboards, various percussive sounds, and even the lyrics. Tyler had found the worn piece of paper that he had written his poem for Anathema on. He showed it to Josh, trying not to feel embarrassed or ashamed. But Josh just beamed and encouraged him to keep going. 

Tyler took out most of the detail, figuring that some words are meant for poetry and some for lyrics. He kept the bulk of the message the same. The stop and pause of his flow as he worked on a rap enthralled Josh. He cheered him on, always in awe of how talented he was.

And then they had to call it a day. Or rather, a morning. Josh sleepily drove home, unsure of how he was able to stay awake at the wheel. But after a quick power nap and a late breakfast, he was in good shape again. He recorded the drums they had practiced and worked out on his own drums in his room and sent the files over to Tyler. They went back and forth, a silent stream of creativity from one to the other, their critiques and betterments to the track taking shape. 

Finally, by around 6 o’clock, Tyler had texted Josh saying that he had finished everything else. Josh got in his car and sped to Tyler’s house, careful not to waste another second getting there. His excitement and slight nervousness collected in his stomach as he walked into Tyler’s studio. 

“So it’s done?” Josh asked, sitting on the edge of Tyler’s couch, his foot tapping a sporadic rhythm in anticipation. 

“It’s done,” Tyler mirrored, looking from his computer to Josh. “Well don’t just sit there! Come here and listen before I send the rest of the files off.”

Without a moment’s notice, Josh got up and sat next to Tyler, maybe a bit too eagerly, as Tyler started to shake his head and smile. He didn’t mind in the slightest. “Three, two, one!”

Tyler’s index finger collided with the space bar of his keyboard. The song began to play in both of their ears. Everything was perfect, from the melody to Josh’s drums and even the vocals. The song built up, and so did the tension. Josh thought that it felt exactly like the incident. It made him feel everything at once. 

And then, the song came to an abrupt end that left Josh craving for more. All the feelings from the past few weeks hit him in an instant. Some tears welled in his eyes, but he did not let them fall. Tyler noticed and instantly put Josh’s face between his hands. Tyler’s hands that felt so strong and comforting, calloused but still somehow soft.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Tyler asked, his voice low and smooth like the hum of a summer’s day.

“Nothing. That was just...it was perfect,” Josh admitted, meeting Tyler’s eyes when he uttered the words. “Absolutely perfect.”

“I could say the same about you,” Tyler’s returned. His whole face lit up when he said the words, and Josh’s did the same as the both pulled each other in for a warmhearted embrace. They pulled away, looking to each other, Tyler pulling up the final folder with all 13 songs. He dragged the new file into it and they both pondered.

“Where should it go?” Josh asked, the tracklist already being completed before this new song came along. 

Tyler thought back to the incident and all the pain he endured. All the suffering he had to feel as one horror from each song flashed in front of him.

Then, in an instant, that feeling of hope and fighting back came to the forefront of his bustling mind. That moment where he realized purpose. That moment he used to stay alive. It was waiting for him.

“Let’s put it after Kitchen Sink.”

With that, Josh knew exactly why Tyler did it. He too was there and saw that very change happen in Tyler while the terrors and storm raged on. That sudden determination as he tried to fight back. Understanding bonded them tightly together, Tyler moving the file to become track number nine. There was only one thing left to do before they sent the album off.

“What should we name it?” Tyler asked. But they both already knew the answer. 

Josh’s fingers slowly typed her name, renaming the file.  _ Anathema _ . What a bewitching word for something so sinister but something filled with love all the same.

They both moved their hands and pressed the final click together. Tyler didn’t need to count down aloud for them to press the mouse at the same time. Their files were now sent off, the album to be made and copied. They both released a light sigh of relief and happiness, their trust and honesty with each other blossoming into a beautiful garden shared in both their hearts.

The sun may have dimmed outside the window, but their future was shining bright.


	21. Everything falling into place

Song: Junior Varsity by Dayglow - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bthG57DGDU Omg this song is just. It needs to be at the end of a coming-of-age movie it's so good

The gray and white mist filled the air outside, trying to affect Tyler’s heart. He was sitting by his tv, watching the weatherman detail the inclimate conditions expected of the day. Scattered Gamecube controllers were lying around the cables and wires on the carpet. Him and Josh had been playing Super Smash Brothers Melee and Ocarina of Time when they weren’t just talking endlessly about everything and anything. The album being finished released a light inside Tyler that was previously muted. A weight was gone that was tied to his chest. It was nice to see him smile.

But the weather turning worse outside made him scowl at the tv, his sleepy eyes and slight scrubble on his face aiding to his slight upset. Mark had come over about an hour earlier to get ready for the big day ahead of them. He had brought the boys and himself breakfast. They sat at Tyler’s table and talked about the details big and small. 

Today was the CD release show. The buildup, the drumroll, the final roll call was here at last. Everything that they had worked for, everything that could determine their future would rest on the fate of this album. It was a daunting thought indeed, one that Josh and him had discussed frequently. But throughout it all, they were excited nonetheless.

Now, Mark stood filming Tyler as he walked outside to feel the weather for himself. He didn’t want to hear the man on the screen rattle on anymore. The air had just the smallest hint of a chill, the birds chirping their morning hymns. The atmosphere of the day settled into his skin. Mark turned to face him with the camera with a look that told him to speak what was running through his mind.

So he did. He spoke in monotone waves that he could still manage to compose like a symphony of sound. He talked about the weather, how it would ruin their plans. He mused about how much was depending on this show, on how many vendors and people he would have to let down if they should cancel. He let his bleak storm of disappointment blow through his features. Before he knew it, his hand was grabbing his neck. His hand with the rubber band. 

It made him think of her again. How it felt so odd not to be puppeted and controlled by her. He had forgotten that it was even there. He hadn’t had to look at it as a reminder since she left. So, after Mark turned off the cameras, his eyes fixated on the snug band, making his mind spin in circles. 

Josh opened the front door and came up from behind Tyler, giving him a hug and resting his head on his shoulder. Tyler returned the sentiment by holding on to Josh’s hands wrapped around his small waist. He’d always be his safety net. 

“You excited for today?” Josh asked, breaking the embrace and turning to face Tyler.

“Yeah,” Tyler replied simply. It wasn’t a lie. It just didn’t encompass everything he was thinking.

Josh could see that he wasn’t telling everything. He had mastered every expression, every twitch, every eye roll and lip pout and heavy sigh that Tyler created. “What’s going on?”   


“Do you think I should get another tattoo?” Tyler asked. It seemed out of the blue, but it was exactly what his mind was racing about.

“What were you thinking of?” Josh wasn’t taken by surprise. After what Tyler had relayed to him about what Anathema had said and done, he knew that some drastic action was coming. 

“Maybe something around my wrist?” Tyler let the words hang, a pensive statement, a quiet hesitation in the changing morning. 

“But don’t-” But the look in Tyler’s eyes cut Josh off. A look of hope, the first look he had seen in an eternity. A look that said he wanted to get better, and that he would help him. “Yeah. You should get it.”

They both linked arms and went back inside, Mark notifying Josh and Tyler that they had to leave for set up in 10 minutes. Tyler headed to his bedroom. Josh did the same, most of his essential things brought over a few nights ago as per Tyler’s encouragement. They were already dressed, at least for the logistics. They’d put on their better outfits for the show. 

“Hey, have you seen those jackets we got at the mall?” Tyler asked while he dug around in his drawers and closet. 

“I think they’re still in my car. Hold on.”

Josh sped downstairs and out the door, letting his feet hit the slightly damp pavement and his breath catch the air. He rummaged through the backseat until he found the windbreakers, white and purple, and the matching masks. Josh brought Tyler’s Frank mask too, even though he wouldn’t wear it tonight. Better that it was in Tyler’s possession than lost in the caverns of his car. He hurried back inside and up the stairs to place the items on Tyler’s plaid comforter on his bed. 

Tyler gave his first smile of the day, trying to snap out of his funk. Today was gonna be a good day. He knew it. “I’ll pack these up with my clothes, and you’ll get yours?”

“Sure,” Josh nodded, taking his own mask and windbreaker with him. “How long do you want to wear these?”

“The masks we can keep only for the intro,” Tyler pondered aloud. “The windbreakers we can keep for just the first song. We’ll probably be too hot for them after that.”

“I’m too hot all the time,” Josh teased, pretending to flip a piece of hair over his shoulders. A laugh emerged from Tyler, and they continued packing. Josh came across his gorilla suit. “Do you really think I should wear this?”

“Just bring it. You never know if you’ll need it!” Tyler chuckled. Josh already knew he wouldn’t. Still, he packed it all the same for Tyler’s sake.

After finally putting away everything in their bags, Tyler did a cursory once-over in his room, scanning to see if he had forgotten anything. Josh watched him innocently with those bright eyes of his before joining Tyler to leave together. They met Mark at the door. He was wearing a usual flannel and a surprising look of excitement. They all marched out the door together and headed to Josh’s car. 

And they were off. Their show was located at the New Albany High School. Josh still wasn’t entirely sure why they were doing it there. Probably because of their large outdoor performance space. He usually tuned in and out like a shortwave radio when listening to technical conversations. He was there when they needed him, but he’d rather be playing then building up the anxiety of the event. 

It was obvious that Tyler detected some of Josh’s worry because he gave him a side-eyed glance from the passenger seat. His eyes darted and asked “What’s wrong?”, but Josh just shook his head. He always felt a little odd before shows. That was something he thought would go away with time. Maybe he just needed more of it.

Tyler placed his hand on Josh’s free hand laying on the shared compartment armrest. Before any protest ensued, Tyler intertwined each of his well-loved fingers in Josh’s and took a deep inhale, then exhaled. Josh took the note and did a few rounds of breathing with him. And then Josh felt a true release inside of his heart. Tyler was truly back. Now he was the one helping him again. Only this time, he’d make sure it was different. He’d make sure that he’d help Tyler too. After everything they’ve been through, it was certain that they’d always have each other’s backs no matter what. 

15 minutes passed and they had arrived at the school. Some roadies and volunteers were already there, busy with work. Mic stands and platforms were being situated while tents and sound equipment were being set up. Josh pulled into an empty parking spot slowly. He looked out to everyone there to help them, and he realized that they were on their side. Suddenly, he felt even better. It’s not that Tyler didn’t help. He helped more than he could ever know. But he found it hard to trust the people closest to him sometimes because he never knew if they were really telling the truth. He had to see it for himself.

He gently pushed the black car door open and stretched a bit. The fog was subsiding, but the gray haze remained, a looming presence hanging over the day. Tyler got out on his side, and Mark from the backseat. He followed the boys with his camera as they walked over to the stage to make themselves useful. 

Tyler went over to help with the tall platforms he would jump on, leaving Josh to help set up with his drums and the mics. They conversed with most of the volunteers and staff there, checking off to-dos in their heads after each task was done. There wasn’t anything particularly inspiring about the work, but it led to the show, so it had to be done.

Josh powered through everything he needed to do, so he found himself drifting back towards Tyler, his unwavering magnetic pulse. He was eyeing the tall speakers that he had set up to climb on with envy. 

“I’m gonna test them out!” Tyler yelled before Josh could tell him not to.

“Be careful!” Josh called to him, laughing a bit. He liked seeing Tyler excited again. He watched his friend hoist himself up and steady his feet to stand high in the wind. He pulled out his phone, trying to check any last minute messages before dedicating himself to the rest of the day completely. “Do you think it’s too tall?”

“You know what? I go big or go home!”

They both smiled. A quiet thing. Not the stupid, uncontrollable laughter that they both knew like the back of their hands. Not the laughter they could recognize with their sleepy eyes forced closed. No, it was a silent song that filled the air between them, an acceptance of the day, of their worth, of their friendship. It took the edge off, even if only for a few bright moments.

Tyler made himself busy again, so Josh went over to Mark, still as steady as ever with his camera. He rambled a bit to him about the venue. Now that Josh was here, he could really see how ideal it was. He just hoped that the storm would not greet them with its unwelcome presence. 

He heard Tyler yell for a soundcheck in an almost-giddy, goofy tone. He climbed up on the speakers and stopped before he could pull himself up. One of the volunteers asked Josh if he had all of his stuff, to which he replied that he did. It did look like Josh was goofing off, but it was only because he was a fast worker. Tyler gave a quick spike to the camera before pulling himself up on top of the speakers, walking and celebrating with ease. They continued to soundcheck for the next hour or so before Josh and Tyler finally had a chance to slip away.

They stood by an empty gazebo a little ways away from all the action. It was wooden and stained by all the years laying empty and unused. They both had the collective thought that they would’ve definitely come here more often if they knew of its existence. 

“So, we’ve got about 2 and a half hours before showtime,” Josh announced after checking his watch. “Now what could we do to kill that much time?”

Tyler sat down on one of the steps up inside the gazebo, Josh following suit. He shifted, staring out at the new vendors pulling in, the volunteers hard at work, and the commotion of more and more people showing up. The wind rustled a small breeze through his small, soft curls. They weren’t nearly as defined as Josh’s, but still pronounced in their own little way. He liked the small differences he noticed every day. Like how sometimes, when the light was just right, he swore that Josh’s eyes would twinkle with a golden flame. Or when Tyler was down, he’d never stop until he felt better, playing games with him until whatever irrelevant thing that was bothering him was out the window. And how he’d always be there, cheering him on no matter what.

Tyler averted his eyes to his wrist again. “I know what we can do.”

He bounced up to his feet and took off running to the car, Josh wasting no time to chase after him. “Where are we going?”   


Tyler halted near the passenger side of the car, his hand resting on the chipped car handle. He faced Josh once he caught up. “I’m getting that tattoo!” Tyler confessed the words like a long-kept secret. He laughed, thinking that Josh would think that he was crazy.

And Josh did think that he was crazy. But so was he.

“Let’s ride, sunshine!” Josh yelled. He got into the car and turned the keys while grabbing his shades from the cupholder where he last left them. He put them on with flare and turned to Tyler, who was shaking his head with sighs.

“Please don’t ever say that again,” Tyler laughed breathlessly. Josh began to protest as he backed up and pulled into the road, but Tyler stopped him before he could start. “And take off that shirt too.”

“What’s wrong with my shirt?”   


“It’s kind of tacky, don’t you think?” Josh whipped his eyes from the shirt back to the road dramatically. He already knew what it said, but he still wanted to make Tyler’s eyes roll. The maroon shirt with graying black letters spelling out “New Albany Church” wasn’t exactly subtle. 

“If you insist,” Josh groaned, pretending to be angry. “I’ve got an extra shirt in the seat behind you.”

Tyler craned his neck and spotted a white collared shirt. He extended his arm back until he felt the fabric grace his fingertips. He pulled it into both hands before he gave it to Josh. “Why do you have an extra shirt?”

“Tyler, out of all the incredibly weird things that have absolutely no reason to be in my car, you’re asking about a shirt?”

“Touché.”

Then, in the middle of driving on the interstate, Josh lifted both hands off the wheel and took his shirt off. As soon as what was happening slapped him in the face, Tyler panicked and grabbed the wheel, trying to keep it steady while Josh threw the unwanted #1 ass kisser indicator into the backseat. 

“What the hell?” Tyler exclaimed. His blood pounded in his ears, unsure if he should be angry or impressed. He had noticed Josh’s figure, of how much differently he was built. He was strong and a little more muscular. His skin was just a bit tanner than his own. And his hair was just the right amount of messy while his soft scrubble matched Tyler’s. Everything about him was perfect. 

Josh took his hands off the wheel again and slipped into the new shirt, Tyler taking control again.

“Josh!” Tyler yelled louder, but Josh just took the wheel again and smiled. 

“Ah, the things I do for you,” Josh sighed. He continued to cruise down the highway, leaving Tyler frozen in dumbfoundment. And he was worried about Josh calling  _ him  _ crazy. 

They finally got off on their exit, about 20 minutes away from the church. Josh slowly made his way up and through some small back roads until he found the small shopping center Tyler had described. A variety of restaurants and shops were organized along the road, but Josh slowly crept the car along, listening to Tyler’s directions on where to park. They found an empty space in another lot about two minutes away from the tattoo shop. 

Getting out of the car, they walked in the scattered cloudiness of the day, waiting for the weather to make up its mind. They traveled up the sidewalk side by side until they made their way to the tattoo shop. 

They both came to a collective stop outside the slightly intimidating exterior. “Are you sure you want to do this?” Josh asked tentatively.

“I’ve already gotten one before! C’mon. It’ll be fine.”

Then, all of a sudden, Josh felt almost a sense of pride. He had seen Tyler weighed down by his demons for so long. But now, he had an unseen courage about him. It made him so proud.

With a nod of enthusiasm, Josh walked with Tyler into the shop. Designs of skulls, flowers, animals, and practically anything you could think of decorated the walls in black and bright contrasting colors. The atmosphere was welcoming, oddly enough. Soft music danced in the background, providing company to the workers and other customers.

They were greeted by a girl not much older than them, with more piercings and tattoos than them considerably. It reminded Josh of all the people he’d ask for music recommendations from at the music store he skated to as a kid. It was a comforting feeling.

Tyler sat down on the leather chair, an older tattoo artist with a kind smile coming to meet them. This must have been the same guy Tyler had before, because they seemed to recognize each other. Tyler’s hands shook a bit as he sat up, but Josh gave him a reassuring rub on his back. It made Tyler’s adrenaline and slight nerves calm considerably.

“So what do you want to have done?” the artist asked Tyler. Josh also wanted to know. He hadn’t mentioned what specifically he wanted on his wrist. Knowing Tyler, it must have some important meaning.

With an almost sneaky grin, Tyler leaned over to whisper his request into the man’s ear. Josh began to feel a bit jealous, even if it was all in good fun.

“I drive you all the way out here and you still won’t tell me what you’re getting?” Josh hyperbolized playfully.

“I want it to be a surprise. Plus, it probably won’t be that interesting anyway,” Tyler replied back, matching Josh’s energy. 

The man began to get his equipment ready, then started to ink the design into Tyler’s skin. Tyler rested one arm on the stool for the artist to work on, leaving the other on the seat beside him. It began to shake again. Returning the favor from the car, Josh meticulously wrapped each of his fingers in Tyler’s, holding his hand tight. His fingers still remained to feel as soft as ever. A light look of happiness brushed over Tyler’s face. His heart never felt so full.

The pen stroked across his skin in a long continuous circle. The first thin line of black ink made its way to encompass the top of his wrist, a circle that wasn’t connected on the inside of his wrist. Once that was complete, the man went slightly below the first design and made the ink wrap around Tyler’s wrist again, only this time, the circle was complete. And finally, a third was drawn below, broken in the same place as the first, the only difference being that the space between the disconnect was slightly smaller in nature. 

Throughout it all, Tyler slightly winced, but he tried to hide his pain. If not for his sake, then definitely for Josh’s. He didn’t want to worry him anymore. He didn’t want him to see him in pain. Josh saved him that night, but what if he wasn’t there to catch him? What if he had fought himself all alone? He shouldn’t have to put Josh through any more of that living hell than he already did. So he buried his discomfort.

With his quick, perceptive eyes, Josh noticed that Tyler was trying to act all tough for him. Even if he was holding his hand. The way Tyler acted for him was so adorable. He squeezed his hand tighter as the tattoo was almost finished. Josh squeezed back. 

“Alright. I think we’re done!” the artist said with a satisfied smile. “How do you like it?”

Tyler let his eyes glue to the new symbols etched into his skin forever. His eyes began to swell with happy tears. “I love it.”

“Awesome! Let me just clean and wrap this up, and you should be good to go!” The man began to work on the aftercare of Tyler’s new tattoo for another five minutes before he gave Tyler a pat on the back. “Alright. You’re all set!”   
  
“Thank you so much!” Tyler stood up and shook the man’s hand, showing his gratitude. 

“Anytime.”

Josh, getting up to meet Tyler, walked with him to the cash register. He watched Tyler carefully bend to retrieve his card from his wallet. Josh was already two steps ahead, having the cash ready in his hands to give the girl behind the counter.

“You don’t have to-”

“Oh, but I do,” Josh interrupted with a smirk. He was more than happy to do this for him. He was more than happy to do anything for him.

He paid, they waved their goodbyes, and then they departed out the door into the mellow sun of the late afternoon. The bad weather seemed to be clearing. But they didn’t want to head off to the car just yet, so they sauntered a bit to a fading, metal bench on the sidewalk facing the street. They both sat down close to one another, Tyler resting his head on Josh’s shoulder. He had been wanting to do that since the photobooth.They both didn’t realize that they never stopped holding hands. They both liked the feeling, so they didn’t stop. 

Tyler met Josh’s radiant expression with a sad sort of smile. He picked up his head to face his friend.

“I don’t want to pry if the meaning is too personal,” Josh started, gesturing at Tyler’s bandaged wrist. 

“No, no,” Tyler waved him off and began. “I got three lines for the three most impactful things in my life. The bottom one is music, and the top one is...her. They’re broken because of-” he paused, grasping for the right words, “because I’ve struggled with them in some way or another. They’ve brought inspiration, yes, but also pain and suffering.” Tyler spoke the words methodically, a tireless grandfather clock ringing true in the confines of a small, forgotten house. 

Josh was a bit surprised by Anathema being a line. But it made sense. She changed Tyler’s life so much, changed  _ him  _ so much. He could see the passion in his eyes again. It flickered like an auburn flame.

Before he could ask what the second line was, Tyler glanced at his phone and sprang to his feet, dragging Josh by the hand up with him. “We’ve gotta go!”

“Really?” Josh said, catching up to Tyler, who let go and took off running towards the car. 

“Yeah! The show starts in 30 minutes!”

They both caught up to each other, Josh taking the driver’s seat again, almost speeding out of the parking lot and onto the road. Tyler held on tight, feeling the first excitement he’s felt for a show since before the infamous arrival. 

But Josh couldn’t help but feel a slight tinge of disappointment. He really did want to know the rest of Tyler’s tattoo. He wanted to know every detail of Tyler, every intricate thought and small, unbreakable habit and every word curled to his accent so well. He’d been spending all this time trying to. But he figured he’d have his whole life to learn his friend. His best friend.

They finally screeched into the parking lot of the church. Crowds of people now lined up at the concessions, whether it be to buy their previous and newest albums or to buy drinks and comically large bags of popcorn. An audience took shape by the stage. The boys could practically taste the anticipation before they even left the car. 

Josh parked and twisted his trusted keys to shut the car off. His eyes greeted Tyler’s again. They had stared at each other many times, especially in the past few days. If one of them could not be granted sleep, they’d roll over and get lost in the tones and hues in each other’s eyes. Then, after whoever’s eyes drooped first, they’d fall asleep in each other’s arms. 

Suddenly, that feeling of utter content came back as they looked at each other. Tyler appeared like he wanted to say something else. The words he wanted to confess were right on the tip of his tongue. 

A sudden knock on Tyler’s windshield shocked them both back to their time-sensitive schedule. There Mark was, looking antsy and a little peeved. His slightly longer brown hair and camera was a familiar sight. He let an annoyed expression cross his face while motioning for the boys to leave the car and pick up the pace. Tyler opened his door lightly. Josh followed his lead. 

“Uh,  _ hello _ ? Where were you guys?” Mark said. His obvious annoyment was no bother to either of them. They always knew Mark was just stressed. They appreciated his concern and commitment to them nonetheless.

“We went on a bit of an adventure,” Josh admitted, glancing at Tyler for reassurance. Tyler offered an innocent shrug and a smirk that spread from ear to ear. 

Mark just rolled his eyes with an understanding nod. “Well, showtime is soon. You better go back and get ready. The dressing room is through that door and to the right,” Mark motioned behind him.

With one last look at each other, the boys linked hands again and took off running towards their makeshift dressing room. Heads turned as they whizzed by to make their way to the side entrance of the small room. They broke away, Josh closing the door behind them. The room was just the right amount of cozy, but still spacious enough to store their things. Mark had already brought all their stuff in. At the end of the day, he would always do whatever was needed for them both. 

“Maybe Mark isn’t so grumpy after all,” Tyler joked, zipping open one of the small bags they packed. 

Josh exchanged a small, breathy laugh back to him. A give and take, one favor for another. His joy for Tyler’s. Tyler had admitted to him that he loved his laugh. 

Moving closer, Josh helped Tyler move their things from the black and grey bags to the old, white shelves waiting for their use. Light from the outside world streamed in from the windows. Josh caught Tyler’s eyes getting lost, travelers that were not yet weary, wanders that had not lost their way. For the path was right in front of them. They just had to be brave enough to take it.

After Tyler placed his white face mask on the shelf, and Josh put his on a nearby table, they both retrieved their matching windbreakers and placed them side by side on another shelf. Josh bent down, both knees bowing like the soft wind outside, and grabbed his gorilla suit. Not that he’d need it. He’d be insane to wear something as hot as that monstrosity on a night like tonight. But he brought it just in case. He made a funny sort of look at it and hung it up and over the top of a door.

The room buzzed with dust particles floating on the air and the anticipation of the show. There was almost an unsuspecting awkwardness creeping between them, both not knowing if they wanted to mold and carve the memories from each other. They both had so much on their minds. Both were more afraid of messing up what they had. Sure, during these last few days, their feelings had settled between them like the ripples of a river calming down after a warm sunset. That didn’t mean that they were any less afraid. Both had never gotten this far with anyone else in their entire lives. 

What had happened that night had awakened something inside them that they did not know they had possessed before. The piles of neatly stacked bricks and carefully boarded up defenses on their hearts came crashing down. They had lost themselves in each other’s eyes and felt something. Truly felt something. 

The realization made its presence known for them both at the same time, Josh trying to busy himself with the bags, Tyler standing idle by the window. A quiet sort of stillness fell over the room. They looked up from their useless tasks and met each other’s gazes.

Josh couldn’t take it anymore.

“Look, I know this might sound crazy and stupid and useless. But I don’t care. Tyler, that night...that night I thought I lost you. I thought I lost you forever. And it felt like my whole world was ending. I didn’t know how I would’ve gone on,” Josh fought through the raw emotion freeing itself at last. “These past few days...they’ve been the best of my life. I’ve never felt closer to anyone than I have with you, Tyler. I’ve never felt like two souls could be so intertwined. But I’m just so afraid. So terrified. I guess what I’m trying to say is that...I don’t want to lose you again,” Josh professed. He felt his eyes begin to water, but he kept the tears at bay for a bit. 

“And I don’t want to push you away.” Instead of his usual questioning, instead of his playful denial, Tyler kept his eyes on Josh, grounding himself in his image. He stared at his sparkling eyes, at his free-spirited curls, at his strong, safe arms. And he watched as Josh nervously averted his gaze to his newly bandaged wrist. The observation sparked exactly what Josh wanted to ask in Tyler’s heart. They met eyes again, striking and haunting and pure. “The second line is for you, Josh.”

The disbelief hit him slowly. “What?”

“The three lines are the most impactful things in my life. Anathema and music have caused me so much pain. That’s why they’re broken. But the second line is not. And that line is you, Josh.” Josh remained speechless, his control over his watering eyes breaking. Tyler took a steadying breath before continuing. “Josh, I want to share everything with you. Every laugh, every song, every performance and long car ride home and all the groggy promises made through the daybreak. I want the good times, the bad times, the dances under the stars and the arguments that turn to dust as soon as I look into your eyes again. I want  _ you _ . And I’m scared of losing you too, because I’ve never felt this way either. But saying this now, being here with you in this moment, living my dreams with my best friend-”

He was cut off as Josh collided into him, wrapping his arms around him so tight that they both heaved ragged, short breaths. And then they were both crying, sobbing and laughing and smiling all at once. Their bodies were like two puzzle pieces clicking together, made for each other and only for each other. Josh’s head rested on Tyler’s shoulder, Tyler’s hands breathing life into Josh’s back. Their skin was home for the other and they’d like to keep it that way. Forever. A promise that, this time, did not have a deadline. 

An inhale in unison and an exhale made together helped them pull away. They couldn’t stop staring at each other, their faces a wreck, eyelashes curled and cheeks wet with warm tears. The words they had both saved away for careful use were now placed in the palms of their hands. 

Josh’s legs wobbled and shook. But he stood his ground, warmth flooding through his veins. A smile overtook his face and made all of his fear dissipate. “I love you.”

An instant rush of relief and joy spread throughout Tyler’s body. He let out a shaky, nervous laugh, still in disbelief at those three simple words. He smiled so wide, matching Josh’s beautiful confession. The words he had once hated to say were now the ones he couldn’t wait to speak. “I love you.”

They couldn’t keep away from each other any longer. Tyler lept into Josh’s arms that protected him from everything but Josh’s heartbeat. Josh swung him around off the ground, spinning and laughing, Tyler doing the same. 

They no longer felt afraid. 

The spinning slowly ceased with the muffled sound of more and more voices from outside. Josh carefully placed Tyler back on his feet, their hands meeting again. They walked towards the window, Tyler going ahead of Josh. They peered out at all the supporters on their side. So many people were there to see them. This wasn’t just a normal show where the disinterest and lack of enthusiasm from the crowd was all too apparent. No, those people were here for them. It was exhilarating and scary and thrilling all at once. They looked at one another, their hearts beating a steady, singular pulse. 

Josh noticed that Tyler’s overthinking was already starting to creep in. There was no way in hell that he’d let it ruin him before the show. Tyler deserved to feel ok not just in his arms, but on stage. If not for his sake, then for Josh’s. Because Josh couldn’t stand seeing the different parts of his mind tear him apart. Not again.

Tyler’s bottom lip trembled before his head slightly twitched. “I really need you tonight.” 

Josh’s eyes twinkled misitly, not breaking their bounded fingers as he moved behind Tyler and wrapped his free arm around his upper chest, giving him a hug from behind. This one was different from the one from this morning. Instead of a hopeful greeting, it was a reminder of how much they both couldn’t bear the thought of breaking away.

He nuzzled his head into Tyler’s shoulder again. He found that he liked the feeling, like he was burrowing safely into a soft meadow of springtime flowers and waves of rolling hills. His hand traced its way to rub Tyler’s shoulder, a slow, methodical, comforting movement. Then his hand slowly traveled to Tyler’s chest, his heart jumping around sporadically. But it calmed as soon as Josh placed his hand there, patting a soft, continuous beat.

And while Josh did this, Tyler breathed in and out, in and out, Josh’s scent of cinnamon and cloudy skies soothing his last minute nerves. They both stood there in limbo, frozen in each other's embraces. Josh finally disassembled the silence. 

“I need you every night,” he echoed back simply.

Tyler turned around, Josh’s arm now resting on the front of Tyler’s shoulder, Tyler’s eyes fixating on Josh’s features once more. “Promise me you’ll never leave.”

And now it was Josh who moved both his hands to gently cup Tyler’s face, his cheeks still red from the heat of their hearts and still damp from the happy tears he shed so beautifully. “I’m never letting you go.”

They were now exchanging their breaths, foreheads resting on each other, noses touching, eyes open, mouth’s parted in each other’s passionate, delicate adoration. 

“I love you,” Tyler repeated again, so happy he could finally say it. 

Josh watched Tyler’s pupils dilate. They wandered in each other’s eyes for the millionth time. They would never get tired of this. “I love you.”

As the chanting and yelling increased outside, the boys finally pulled away. They gave each other one final look before reaching for their windbreakers, putting them on and zipping them up at the same time. Reaching for a final bit of a reassurance, Tyler outstretched his hand, Josh following his lead. They high-fived, then clasped hands to bring each other in before pulling away. They both laughed at how stupid but perfect it was. 

They grabbed their matching masks from the shelves and carefully guided them onto their faces. Their feet led them out the side entrance and back outside, the atmosphere being exactly what they wanted and pictured and hoped for. They both parted ways, Tyler heading to the left side entrance of the stage, Josh bound for the right. They hurried to hide and take their places as their introduction played on the speaker. The roar of the countless numbers of faces made their hearts sing. 

As the music cued them in, they appeared on stage, the dry ice curling up and around their feet. Taking their places, they took one final moment to immerse themselves in everything, to look at the crowd and take in the air and secure themselves in the now. This was happening. Their album, their fans, their relationship...everything was falling into place.

And then they were off.

The beat for  _ Guns for Hand _ s dropped, and they both shed their masks in more ways than one. They carefully took their matching ones off while their souls onstage came out of hiding. They were gonna give this their all just like every show. No difference. Except this time, Tyler would be free.

They passed through their first ever performance of the song without a single misstep. The feeling of playing a show without the suffocating grip of fear was so relieving to Tyler that he let out a sigh that spiraled and swirled in the air like the fog. And Josh just smiled as he played along, so incredibly happy that Tyler was finally home.

They took off their windbreakers and transitioned to the next song,  _ Kitchen Sink _ . The opening began to spill out from the speakers in vivid color. The original meaning came to him again, bright in the forefront of his mind. He looked to Josh, so thankful that they were in the moment. And they played their hearts out once more, the changing lights and fog driving their performance forward. 

Then finally came the moment that had remained unspoken between them, but the moment they were building to all the same. It was time to finally play  _ Anathema _ . 

The sweat on both of their foreheads glittered and refracted the lights onstage. For her, they picked a soft blue light. Not the purple that had been deep and chilling and ruined, but a blue crafted out of mourning, out of understanding, out of a feeling of a new dawn seeping into their veins. 

Tyler brought his small synth piano and positioned it right across from Josh’s drums. Josh watched Tyler do this, his obvious love growing stronger and fuller. Tyler needed to be as close to him as ever. Just because he was fighting through his pain did not mean he had to do it alone. And he didn’t think he could do it alone anyway. Not when he had the only person in the world who mattered to him right in front of him.

With a nod and a deep breath, they began to play, Tyler starting off a bit shaky and nervous. His voice cracked a bit, but he stifled it and kept it under control. All he did was stare at Josh, and Josh stared back. They were playing to each other and that was all that counted. 

And then Josh calmed himself and finally revealed one last thing he did not confide to Tyler: he had learned the lyrics to the song. He knew how much this song meant to him and how much it meant to Tyler. He had practiced and gone over the lyrics quietly to himself a million times. He now knew them by heart. He sang, quiet and reserved but still holding true. Tyler could not believe what he was seeing. An overwhelming sense of that love from before returned in his heart. He could feel it radiating between them. Josh could feel it too.

But something in the crowd seized their attention. They both continued to let the music pour out of them, their eyes being pulled to the center expanse. A glowing, purple light illuminated under the darkening sky.

Anathema. She was there. Standing, quiet and reserved, watching them both.

Josh immediately whipped his head around to Tyler, readying himself to be there for whatever would happen next, no matter how bad it was. He squared his shoulders and drummed on. But Anathema did nothing. She simply stood and observed, any previous vibrancy gone completely. They thought she was gone for good.

Josh mouthed to Tyler if he was alright while they changed spots, Tyler now on the drums (a decision they both obsessed over for a good ten minutes back at the studio), Josh moving his kick drum to the center of the stage. Tyler gave a nod and continued on. 

They couldn’t help but look at her, Josh fearing that Tyler was hiding behind his lies. He worried that Tyler was so afraid. But Tyler looked her right in the eyes, playing the drums and rapping the verse he so delicately created out of tortured, beautiful pain. The pain that she caused. She gave a sad smile, a shimmering tear rolling down her face as she mouthed the simple words: I’m sorry. 

Tyler did not scream. He did not cry. He did not fill with dread and fear and anxiety and twist into a version of himself that was fragmented and fractured. Instead, he looked to Josh, who never tore his eyes away from Tyler after moving his drum off the stage. Tyler finished out the song alone and watched Josh side stage. And with a collective breath, they both shifted their vision to Anathema as her song came to an end. 

And Tyler and Josh felt a pang of understanding and sorrow fill in their souls. Sadness they didn’t know they possessed settled in their bones. 

A moment of clarity subsided between them. In that moment, they knew she never wanted to do this. But a price to pay for love and life is a price to pay all the same. 

The crowd cheered and they faced her head on. She stayed frozen, tears still flowing, a true, genuine smile spreading on her face. She held up her hand, her skin translucent, and she waved a final goodbye.

Tyler and Josh lifted their hands and waved back, tears forming that they could not restrain. She faded, carried off by the wind, her presence fading slowly until she was nothing but a memory.

The boys turned their heads and looked at each other and the world they had before them. Standing there in that frozen moment onstage, staring out at the stretch of people supporting them, and having the whole world to take on...they couldn’t help but think of everything. All of the hardship and pain and supernatural forces. All the laughs and smiles and embraces that were too valuable to ever let go off. 

They thought of how they got through it, how they realized that braving onwards was the answer, how it was the only option to make everything they’ve ever done worth it. How love doesn’t always wait for the ones who simply wish for it. And how, at the end of the day, your dreams will prevail if you just hold on. 

No matter how much they hated her, she made them realize all of that and more.

She showed them with the emotions she used against them, with the hidden lesson beneath her words, with the powers burning within her that were beyond herself. 

It was all because of her. That scared spirit afraid of her own nature. That malevolent demon that morphed into someone that was not herself. That girl that sacrificed herself to save them because of the love she possessed.

That blazing, glowing, fading ultraviolet ghost. 

\----------------------

Thank you so much for reading my fic!! Your support means the world to me, and I hope to write more in the future. Writing makes me so incredibly happy, and creating something that people resonate with is all I've ever wanted. Much love to everybody! <3


	22. Epilogue

Song: Anna Sun by WALK THE MOON - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gP0BRG-oN54

Note: This is literally just added extra stuff so like. The official "end" to the story is Chapter 21 lmao

The crickets hummed softly in the humid air as the sun set behind Tyler. The ambience was quiet, almost too quiet. He was just wandering home from one of his many early evening walks he had just started to take recently. Ever since that first midmorning walk with Josh, he decided that getting out was just the thing he needed to implement into his routine. He liked taking them with Josh’s company even more.

But tonight, he was nowhere to be found. Tyler had outstretched an invitation for Josh to join him, but an answer that fell flat appeared on the screen of his phone. Apparently Josh was busy with other friends. He guessed it was possible. Josh was a pretty popular guy, and definitely more social than him. But it had been a few days since the CD Release Show, and Josh had been spending every precious moment with him. Now suddenly, he was just gone?

Something was definitely up.

At last, Tyler slowly watched his house arrive into his view. The soft tones of the sunset would be perfect to watch with Josh. A slight tinge of sadness washed over him while he approached his door and opened it to see the familiar darkness of his living room. There would be plenty of other sunsets. Plenty of more moments with Josh. So why was he so bummed about one missed night? Josh still cared about him. He had to. After everything they’ve been through, and every feeling they confessed, he had to-

Suddenly, the lights flicked on. “Surprise!”

There stood all of Tyler’s friends and family shouting and posing, balloons and brightly-colored streamers hanging in the air. A blue sign that read “Congratulations” hung from either end of the room. In small, methodical letters, “on the new album” with a smiley face was added. He could only guess who wrote that. There stood Tyler’s parents, sister, and two brothers. Their support was a huge weight off his chest. There was Nick and Chris, their continued support even after his emotional breakdown a relief. Josh went and apologized with Tyler to Nick, making up the excuse of the added stress of the album. Tyler was shaking the whole time, but Josh held him afterwards. There was Mark, camera out, his warm smile and thumbs up always a happy sight.

And then there was Josh, holding a cake with vanilla icing and candles with low flickering flames that reminded Tyler of Josh’s embrace. Josh wore a smile so wide that it made Tyler laugh in disbelief.

“What’s all this?” Tyler greeted everyone, but he really meant it towards Josh more than anyone.

“Well, you worked so hard on this album, especially with all the changes going on recently. So, we thought we’d show some appreciation,” Josh celebrated back. Even though Josh said ‘we’, Tyler knew that this was all his idea.

“You worked hard too,” Tyler responded, gravitating closer to Josh. He couldn’t help it. He always wanted to be near him.

“Yep. And that’s exactly why I’m taking a huge slice of this cake!” Josh laughed and grinned again. Tyler swore he made the room fill with a light summer breeze.

After rounds of congratulations and obligated greetings, the cake was cut and divided amongst the guests. Mark had put the album on softly in the background and nodded along. Everyone broke off, talking and mingling in groups of other like-minded individuals. Just as Tyler broke away from his parents, he spotted Josh hanging low in the doorway, a growing look of mischief in his eyes. He was holding two forks and two plates of cake, one for himself and one for Tyler.

Tyler practically ran to talk to him. He couldn’t hide his enthusiasm to be around his best friend. Even after all this time, everything was still so exciting, so enthralling, and so indescribably perfect. 

“What are you up to?” Tyler challenged playfully, snatching the cake before Josh had a chance to stop him.

“C’mon. All this noise is too much,” he beamed and gestured to go upstairs, his eyes soft like bending willow trees.

“We can’t just leave!” Tyler chided, even though he desperately wanted to.

“I promise you. No one will even notice we’re gone!” 

And now it was Josh who surprised Tyler before he had a chance to stop him. He pulled Tyler up the stairs, and they both ran together, their footsteps exchanging their own little songs. They made their way up to Tyler’s bedroom. The sheets were still a bit messy from the last night of Tyler softy serenading Josh to sleep with his ukulele. Josh fought to keep his eyes awake to the last possible second before surrendering to sleep. Tyler never failed to be amazed at how adorable he looked when he slept.

Josh pulled open the window to see the little patch of rooftop sitting directly outside. He had noticed it many times and wanted to see it for himself, but it was just now in this moment that it seemed like a perfect getaway spot. Tyler followed Josh out the window and pulled it closed. Josh sat down and looked at the sun, which was still in the process of setting. They would be able to watch the sunset after all.

They sat close to each other, their sides touching as they balanced their plates in one hand and their forks in the other. They ate in silence, but it wasn’t a terrible empty space. Instead, it was calm and settled deep in their bones. They didn’t need to say anything to know that the other was enjoying the warmth and company. 

Even though Tyler wasn’t much of a sweets guy, he ate the cake all the same and enjoyed it knowing that Josh must’ve made it just for him. The thought made his heart beat faster again. He handed his fork and empty plate to Josh, and he moved both of them back inside to prevent anything from happening to them.

“So we could just fall off this roof, but God forbid anything happens to the plates?” Tyler joked, his eyes landing directly into Josh’s when he turned back around to sit back next to him.

Josh laughed that effortless laugh that never failed to make Tyler feel at ease. “Just a force of habit, I guess.”

“Since when have you sat on a rooftop with anyone else?”

“Never.” 

Something about the way he said the word so simply but so brightly made Tyler lose his breath.

They took in the setting sun, the splashes of rosey pinks, light blues, and even lilacs painting the sky while the sun said its goodbyes. The summer breeze was back again. It brushed their faces as Tyler rested his head on Josh’s shoulder. And they just breathed. Breathed  _ together _ . Everything inside of them, good and bad, blended like the colors in the sky. They didn’t know how long they stayed there, unwavering, making time stand still.

Just as Tyler was about to reach for Josh’s hand, Josh got to his feet.

“Where are you going?” Tyler asked, a bit disappointed that the moment was cut short.

“I can’t wait. I have one more surprise for you,” Josh admitted, the look of excitement on his face blooming by the second.

“You know I’m not the biggest fan of surprises. But considering that the last one was the mall, I’ll allow it,” Tyler kidded. He got to his feet and followed Josh through the window back inside.

“I promise you’re gonna love this!”

Off he ran, back down the stairs and to the front door. Tyler chased after him, shaking his head, thinking that he’d never do anything like this in a million years without Josh there to push him. They waved goodbye to Mark and the puzzled expressions of a few other guests as Josh whizzed out the door, Tyler trailing his feet. They made it to Josh’s car, buckled in, and took off.

Tyler looked out his window, watching the houses in his neighborhood pass by in a blur. He looked to Josh, still as happy as ever, his head slightly swaying to the soft music he put on the radio. His hands that he loved to hold were drumming a simple beat on the top of the wheel. Everything he did seemed so effortlessly pretty. 

Josh, taking note of Tyler’s sudden unwavering attention, turned his head to look at Tyler. Their different shades of brown eyes collided, an unspoken heat burning in them both. But the road beckoned, and Josh’s attention pulled back to the wide expanse in front of them. That disappointment from earlier rose into Tyler’s chest. 

“So where exactly are you taking us?” Tyler ventured, letting his head sink back into the headrest, trying to calm his nerves coming from nowhere. It wasn’t the anxiety he felt with Anathema, but rather a charged suppression racing to take him away. He looked to Josh again before forcing himself to stop staring. He just couldn’t. 

“You’ll find out. But I’ll give you a hint: we’ve been here before,” Josh replied with a sly smile. 

Tyler’s mind raced to everywhere they’ve been, from the mundane, everyday places to the abandoned mall and then finally-

It hit him. He was taking him to the train. 

His breath caught again, his heart now pounding in his ears. He had to bury a smile from creeping on his face. He watched the miles of empty, open road follow behind them and appear in front of them. An idea sparked, igniting a live wire, making him feel alive.

“Put the top down!” Tyler instructed, swerving the conversation.

“What? Why?” Josh asked tentatively. He tried not to act so nervously, fought so hard to not be so protective over Tyler. But he loved him. And he was so bad at pretending.

“You’ll find out!” Tyler laughed, mocking Josh’s tone from before. With a shake of his head, Josh put the sunroof down, revealing the cooler nighttime air and the sky spilling with various hues of blacks and dark blues. The air whipped their faces and ran through their hair, but they didn’t mind. “Now turn up the music!”

Josh was now the one to look at Tyler, at how happy he was, at his curling lips and windblown hair and soft, inviting eyes. He suddenly spaced out, his mind only on the one person who mattered most to him. It took a nudge from Tyler to jolt him awake. He reached over and turned the dial up on his radio, the music echoing louder in their ears and into the night.

They sped down the vacant road without a care in the world. Their mind was on the other and only the other. They were their entire lives now. Nothing mattered more than this. Deep inside of them, they knew it. They both desperately wanted to say it, both let each other’s presence heal their souls while the wind blew on and they gained speed along the road. Such a simple moment, but one they’d hold dear in their continuous, interwoven hearts.

Finally, Josh pulled into the familiar empty parking lot, its features hidden in the darkness of the night. Tyler could vaguely make out the outline of the mall. He took a deep breath, Josh doing the same, their eyes meeting once more. Josh gave him a small wink, flicked on a flashlight he retrieved from the cupholder, and hopped out of the car.

Tyler followed Josh close, finally getting a chance to hold his hand. He couldn’t bear another second of being away from him. It’s like he always had to be connected, as if when their skin touched, and when the contact ignited, their feelings left unsaid would ripple through their veins into their hearts. And the love would transcend all else.

Josh was still shocked Tyler wanted to do this. He was never the type of person to like physical contact, even with the people he was close with. The fact that he always pulled and came back to him made everything he was worried about feel like white noise in the back of his head. He had no reason to be scared. Tyler was gonna love the surprise. Tyler loved him. 

He shook, nervous tremors slipping from his grasp, shaking his body, making Tyler pull away as they walked and arrived at the fence.

“Hey. What’s wrong?” Tyler faced him, aching to put Josh’s face into his hands again. But something felt different tonight. Suddenly, he felt a new energy between them, like he was waiting on the precipice of something beautiful. It made every thought but Josh cease in his mind.

Josh broke his hand away from Tyler, feeling a bit sad, and fiddled with his watch, mirroring Tyler’s movements when he did it in order to feel at ease. He was gonna be okay. “I’ll be fine after I show you this. Let’s go!”

He ducked under the fence and pulled Tyler through, but the movement was sudden and swift, causing Tyler to be pulled right in front of Josh. They were nose to nose. But Josh took off running into the woods. And Tyler chased after not just a boy, but a hidden notion, a buried devotion, a rush that made him feel free. 

The light from Josh’s flashlight cascaded and bounced off of the massive, enclosing trees. The chilled air blazed in his lungs, but Tyler still pushed on. He ran until they both stopped at the last section of trees, finding the clearing that felt like a relief and a horror to them both. The train was slowly coming into sight, and the bad memories pushed their way to the surface. But both boys thought about being alive, holding each other, and never letting go. And that was more powerful than any of the terrible nightmares they lived through.

Suddenly, Josh turned around and held Tyler by his shoulders, eye-level with everything that he held near and dear. “Wait right here.”

“Are you sure?” Tyler asked, an excitement he did not know he had inside of him peeking its way out. 

Josh slowly moved his tender hands over Tyler’s eyes again, mimicking the action from the park. But this time, instead of laughter and hopeful wishes, there was a flutter in Tyler’s heart. A hitch in his breath. A feeling that, after all this time, was finally making itself known. His heavy eyes closed, and Josh’s soft footsteps through the grass indicated that he was running away.

Tyler could make out some rummaging and placement, with a few clicks and thumps here and there. The anticipation was practically unbearable. Then, his best friend returned, the sound of his breathing quiet in the air. His hand brushed Tyler’s cheeks again, then down the inside of his arm, and finally to his hand, which he squeezed lightly. Tyler’s eyes were still closed. The movements sent him spiralling.

“Now, I’m gonna count down from ten. And when I get to one, you can open your eyes,” Josh whispered, an inviting sound.

“Okay,” Tyler breathed, and he heard Josh run away again.

“Ten, nine, eight…” Josh’s voice traveled with him as he counted down, shaking slightly as he waited for Tyler’s striking eyes to open once more. Tyler waited patiently, but still ached for Josh all the same. “Three, two one.”

Tyler opened his eyes. There waiting for them in the train was the tent from Ichthus. Inside, it was decorated with strings of soft, yellow lights and pillows and blankets set up strategically. There were various items scattered about, surrounding Josh who was standing, waiting breathlessly for Tyler. He had built him a little fort hidden from the world.

The biggest smile broke across Tyler’s face and unstoppable tears welled in his eyes. He sprinted to Josh with everything in him and jumped into his comforting arms. Josh welcomed him gladly and held him tight, never wanting to let go.

Tyler broke away, looking at Josh with all his messy emotions and shaken nerves. “You did all of this for me?”

“I would do all of this and more. I’d give you the world if I could.”

Without another word, they both crawled inside the tent, sat down, and made themselves at home in the fort. They both grabbed the grey and white blankets and huddled close, Tyler reaching for Josh’s hand under the blankets. Josh took no time to hold it again. They were back.

Josh began tracing circles into Tyler’s palm subconsciously as he reached over to grab a brown picnic basket filled with assorted items. As silly as it was, Tyler couldn’t help but smile again and feel his heart beat calmly but wildly all at the same time. Josh pulled the basket over to his side and exhaled triumphantly.

“What’s all this?” Tyler asked, the mere notion of Josh getting him things making him so incredibly happy. 

“Just a little trip down memory lane,” Josh replied, taking out the first item. “Well, the first thing is technically the tent. I hope you like the fort.”

“It’s everything,” Tyler replied with an adorable little laugh.

“Good. I spent too long getting this ready for you to hate it,” Josh joked, and they both laughed crazily again. Josh looked to the first item in his free hand and continued. “This is a book I’m sure you’ll recognize.”

Josh handed Tyler the copy of  _ Goodnight Moon _ , causing Tyler to twitch his head in excitement and his heart to swell with a feeling he could not place. “You’ll have to read it to me again.”

“Later,” Josh promised, continuing on with the speech he went over a million times in his head. “Here’s something from our morning adventure.”

He handed Tyler the Dunkin Donuts bag, its contents empty save for a few napkins. The smell was still there. It made Tyler’s eyes sparkle.

“These next two go together.”   


Josh carefully handed Tyler an empty can of Mountain Dew and a picture of him, sitting and smiling a cheesy smile in the middle of the lawn. Tyler’s hand quivered as he wanted to laugh and cry all at once. 

“Is this from when we were sitting on the lawn?” Tyler asked, even though he already knew the answer.

“Yep. I saved the can you drank out of. And I printed the picture because I thought you looked too cute.”

Tyler’s heart pounded and he held Josh’s hand tighter, not even realizing what he was doing until Josh held on back. Josh reached over to get the next thing from the basket and went on.

“Speaking of pictures!” he said with a grin, passing Tyler a few tiny snapshots of them in the photo booth together. Tyler thought he took those with him. Josh must’ve taken the other copy. 

“Look at us!” Tyler beamed while Josh peered over his shoulder. There they were, silly poses and all, Josh’s arm holding on to Tyler like he would break if he let go. The small detail made Tyler’s blood pound in his ears and Josh’s legs bounce. 

“Look at us,” Josh mirrored, becoming happier by the minute. Every detail and reminder of Tyler made him remember why he was his best friend. Every little thing they did together was perfect. 

He went on, still smiling but trying to fight off any last minute anxiety. “This next thing you mentioned when you told me about Anathema,” Josh treaded carefully. 

“Oh?” Tyler had told him practically everything, so he couldn’t quite remember what he said.

“Yeah. She said this was something that you wished you could’ve done on the train,” he continued and crawled out of the tent, taking the blankets with him. “Follow me.”

Without a second of hesitation, Tyler was out of the tent with Josh, and he followed him to the back of the train with the ladder. He felt a rush of warm-toned emotion, his gaze lingering on Josh as they climbed the ladder. They sat on top of the train and shared the blankets again, Josh careful to make sure they were equally wrapped and cozy. 

The familiar night sky greeted them like an old friend. This time, they could see all of the stars. They were in close proximity but still dispersed, pinpoints of white paint on a rich, dark canvas. It was mesmerizing. They both got lost in the moment, staring up at the wonders veiled between their eyes. 

Josh didn’t break away from the stars, but laid down on his back, getting a clearer view of the heavens. Tyler noticed how Josh did this and the cute little expression that crossed his face when he did. He joined him by his side, their hands made for each other, and they looked up. They wished they could stay like this, maybe for a moment, maybe for forever. Tyler wished he could stop time just for them. Josh wished the same.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Josh wondered aloud, his voice a low trailing whisper.

“Absolutely breathtaking,” Tyler returned. He wasn’t just talking about the sky. 

“It makes me feel so insignificant,” Josh admitted. “But also like I’m the only one in the world.”   


“Can I be the only one with you?” Tyler took a risk, preparing himself for the worst. Even though it wasn’t true, his brain always expected rejection.

“You’re the only one no matter where we are.”

There was a pause as if the whole world was waiting just for them.

“You know, when I first met you, I wasn’t expecting you to be this nice,” Tyler confessed.

Josh laughed. It was the most beautiful sound to Tyler. “You’re joking.”

“No, I’m serious!” Tyler laughed back. “I was expecting you to be like, really mean. And a bit of a dick.”

“Damn! You’re ruthless!” Josh shook his head and continued laughing, Tyler unable to backtrack right away because he was joining in on the sound.

“I mean I don’t think that about you now! You’re the sweetest guy I’ve ever met.”

“You’re just saying that,” Josh turned his head over to look at Tyler, his light brown eyes catching a bit of the moonlight as he stared up.

“It’s just the truth.” Tyler turned to stare back. “You’re my best friend.”

“And you’re mine.”

They both shied away, averting their eyes back to the sky. With their hands still interlocked, they held on tight, careful that if they didn’t, the other would fade away and the dream would be over. It didn’t matter how many times they both shared the same sentiment. It made their knees weak every time.

“Ever since I joined the band, you’ve made me feel like what I’m doing is worthwhile,” Josh started again, his breath a bit shaky. “Like I have a purpose.”

“Of course you have a purpose,” Tyler defended. 

“Well, I didn’t feel like I had one until I met you. Then you said all those things to me, back in the dressing room before the Release Show. And it just made me feel so...so wanted.” Josh paused, the words he was crafting so alluring, like the stars, and the sky, and all the hugs and held hands combined. “Did you...did you really mean all those things?”

Suddenly, the silence was deafening. “Of course I meant it. With all that I am, I meant it.” He watched as Josh shifted to look at him again, his body tense, as if the words he would say would cause a release. “You’re so incredibly talented, Josh. You’re kind and funny and so, so loyal. You rock the drums and take me on the best adventures.”

Josh smiled weakly. “I do love all our adventures.”

Tyler continued, feeling his body shake.“I showed you all the messy parts of me. And when I do that, people always leave. But you didn’t.”

“I never will,” Josh said softly.

“You mean everything to me, Josh. You’re my rock, my muse. You’re my entire world.”

“With all the stars and constellations?”

“And with all the galaxies combined.”

They both sat up together, shaking, but feeling so alive.

“What was the present up here?” Tyler asked, a hidden meaning in his words. 

“Didn’t you want that perfect conversation where we gazed up at the sky and talked about the meaning of life?”

Tyler’s heart suddenly pounded faster than it ever had. His hand broke away from Josh’s and pressed against the top of the train. The cold metal underneath the blanket grounded him for a moment, letting him try to settle and catch his breath. Josh watched him do this, wonder filling his eyes. He was always in awe of how Tyler managed to make the simplest of movements a symphony of wordless beauty. 

“You- you didn’t have to-” Tyler barely managed to get out the words before Josh shushed him, putting his finger to his mouth. 

“But I did,” Josh echoed, repeating his tone from the tattoo shop.

“What did I do to deserve you?” Tyler whispered, the crickets just now making themselves known.

“I ask myself the same thing everyday,” Josh whispered back. 

Then, with a movement so effortless and graceful, Josh outstretched his hands and pulled Tyler in for a beautiful embrace. Tyler could smell Josh again, and it comforted him like no other scent. Not even the ones long forgotten into his childhood. He moved his hands to wrap tightly around Josh’s back, and he sank deeper into the hug. 

Josh rubbed Tyler’s back, tracing shapes and circles and all of the hidden galaxies. This was a different sort of connection. It was filled with love and safety and all the feelings that made their hearts melt. But it also brought a feeling of letting go. Of saying goodbye to every fear and second-guess and fleeting thought holding them back. Of pure, true love.

Without breaking the embrace, Josh talked slowly. “This is the hug I wanted to give you after the train where you were screaming at Anathema. I saw you in so much pain and I didn’t know why. All I knew was that I wanted to protect you in my arms. Forever. But I was stupid. I just left you there. I left you all alone.”

Tyler broke away, letting his hands fall to Josh’s shoulders. “Hey, hey, hey. Don’t be upset. You had no idea what was going on.”

“I should’ve been there sooner,” Josh said apologetically, his voice getting a bit louder.

“I had no idea how to deal with her, much less tell you. Please Josh. You’re ok. Just breathe.”

And they both took a deep inhale, the air hollow but free in their lungs, rushing to escape with a shared exhale. They always loved it when they shared these moments. When they shared them together. 

Together. They both loved that word. 

“See? You’re okay,” Tyler reassured him.

“I’m more than okay now,” he replied simply.

After breathing for a few moments, they looked to each other, their eyes on fire with devotion, their pupils wide and waiting. They couldn’t break away even if they wanted to. Josh was trembling, but his mind was burning with every late night conversation, every sleepy-eyed sunrise, and every unbreakable promise. He moved his hand to Tyler’s left arm and took it again. This time, he slowly wrapped each finger in his own. The bond was as unbreakable as their love. 

Tyler was instantly set aflame. Every defense and excuse he pushed away instantly unraveled. He moved his right hand to steadily brush Josh’s cheek before it made its way to fiddle with Josh’s white gauges he adored. Finally, he played with Josh’s soft, lovely curls. He wrapped his fingers in them and let them run free. 

The movements made Josh shake, his perfect eyes falling closed. The touch was hypnotic. He was breaking against everything he told himself not to feel. And he loved it.

Both their hearts were pounding so loud they thought the other could hear it too.

And then they were moving closer. Closer. That incredible word they had changed and made just for them. They were now so close they could see each other’s long, curled eyelashes and eyes that would make them come undone. Tyler’s fingers stopped in Josh’s hair as everything went quiet.

“Tyler,” Josh murmured. His lips were trembling, his body waiting on the edge.

“Joshua,” Tyler whispered back.

Hearing his name made Josh’s stomach flip. “I have one more gift for you.” 

The edge was calling. Tyler would meet him there.

Josh’s hand suddenly cupped the side of Tyler’s face and guided him near. They both let their eyes fall closed and took one final breath together. And then their lips met, their love transcending anything else, the stars made just for them. Josh’s were sweet like summer rain and a thousand daydreams. Tyler’s were like the overgrown forest, the sun against his back, a black and white movie that magically gained color. 

They pulled away, coming up for air, meeting gazes again. And then they both started laughing, the white hot adrenaline running off through their veins. They both held each other, their touches light, the situation so wonderfully new. They couldn’t get enough. They rested their foreheads on each other again, the action so simple.

With a small rush, Tyler pulled back to see Josh’s gleaming eyes and lovely, lovely smile. “You call that a gift?” he joked. 

“Oh shut up,” Josh teased. “You loved every second.”

They connected again, laughing between each breath, everything so perfect.

The world had stopped just for them. 

They were finally home. 


End file.
